


Dreaming about you and me

by Akiko_kitsune



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Bottom Dean, Coming Out, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Implied homophobia, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Librarian Castiel, M/M, Mechanic Dean, Minor Anna Milton/Dean Winchester, Past Cassie Robinson/Dean Winchester, Past Castiel/Meg Masters, Slow Burn, Top Castiel, Writer Castiel, past Castiel/Hannah - Freeform, past Robin (Supernatura:Bad Boys)/Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-12
Updated: 2017-10-12
Packaged: 2019-01-16 11:27:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 57,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12341757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akiko_kitsune/pseuds/Akiko_kitsune
Summary: Dean would never admit that he wanted a different life. Different than working in a salvage and anywhere he could earn something. Different than taking care of Sam, of Dad. But this was his duty, even if it meant the loss of his own dreams.Every relationship in Castiel’s life ended painfully. He decided to stay away from people by taking a job as a librarian in Sioux Falls. But he let himself dream about finding that one person, which lately took a face of Dean Winchester who often came to the library for his little brother Sam.What if a man who’s afraid of dreaming and a man who’s living on dreaming meet and try to help each other?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, it's my first DCBB/Destiel/spn fanfiction, so I don't know if I catch everything right about the characters.
> 
> And even more, it's my first fanfiction in English which is not my native language. My betas: Bexy, Wahtah and Łazik tried to make it more readable. You are amazing, I know it took you a lot of effort to work on this.
> 
> The greatest thanks for Saweek (check her out on tumblr: http://saawek.tumblr.com/), she made these amazing illustrations, and for my girlfriend who was as always my first and dearest reader.

Castiel liked his job at the library. It was calm, quiet and as far from people as he could get in his adult life. He was twenty-nine years old, and at this point, he figured that separating himself from others is the best choice. Painless. Loneliness was a small price to pay. It wasn't like he didn't meet any people at all. He had a few co-workers, like Charlie who stormed into everyone's life, but they weren't close. Same thing with some of the regular customers. Castiel tried to keep distance. With one exception.

There was a boy - Sam Winchester. High school student. At first, Castiel thought he'd run away from home and had nowhere else to go, so he hid in the library. But half an hour after closing time, someone came for him and they left together. It happened again. And again. Every Monday to Saturday evening.

One day, Castiel dared to ask him if everything was alright. Sam replied he didn't like to spend time at home so he stayed there anytime he could. After that day Sam talked to Castiel more often. Maybe he felt lonely. Castiel hardly ever saw him with anyone apart from his brother Dean who came for Sam to the library. Every day he persuaded his little brother to come home. Sometimes they laughed, sometimes nearly cried or shouted at each other. But in the end, they always left together. What was happening after? Where did they go? Castiel knew only what he could see himself or what Sam decided to tell him.

There was one more thing.

Castiel noticed Sam's brother earlier. He began to recognize the sound of his footsteps when he enters the library. Everyday Castiel raised his gaze and watched him.

Dean was a dream. He was a handsome, young man with sharp jawline, cheeks covered in freckles and soft lips. His smile brought everyone into a good mood. His laugh rung in Castiel’s ears for days. Most of the time Dean seemed tired and tried to fake his smile. On the few times Castiel caught a glimpse of the brothers' talks, he parked himself somewhere near them and simply enjoyed their voices. Sam spoke more around Dean. He talked about school, friends, girls. His brother laughed him off and teased him frequently, but he still listened carefully to every word.

Sometimes Castiel couldn't drown himself in Dean's silky voice. Not when it cracked with pain. When he was begging his little brother to come home one more time, when he promised this time it wouldn't be that bad. He convinced Sam every time, but it took longer and longer. After all, Sam was almost an adult, and he could drop out of school anytime and live by himself. Only Dean was keeping him still at home.

How bad could their life be?

Castiel had chosen to stay away from others, but the Winchester brothers made him fail his resolution. He was drawn to them, always noticing them, always thinking about them and the life they were struggling with.

And Dean...

Dean Winchester was a little harmless dream Castiel let himself dream.

Until that man came to him.

 

* * *

 

They were going through this again. Sam didn't want to come back home. Every day, Dean needed to persuade his brother. They couldn't leave Dad like this. He wasn't bad all the time. He was the only family they had. They should support each other. The three of them. Dean wanted it to happen, but Dad and Sam weren't so optimistic about it.

Dean checked the time on his phone. Five minutes to eight. "It’s so late already..."

"As always." Sam put down the books he'd collected today. "You finish at seven and you're here around eight."

"Maybe you're right." Dean rubbed his eyes. It was already eight. By the time they got home and did what they had to, it would be nine o’clock, maybe ten if dad is in a shitty mood, and the next day... Dean even didn't want to think about it. He needed to wake up early, for work, for Sam, and Dad probably wouldn't be in the best shape in the morning. A day like every other. But there was one thing that didn't give him peace. "The sign says they're closing at seven."

"Yeah, Castiel keeps it open for us."

Dean thought his brother had made a joke, at first. But when he looked around, apart from the too-silent-to-be-alive librarian, they were alone.

"Who?"

"Castiel, the librarian."

"Oh, right." Dean moved his gaze to the silent man sitting at the other corner of the library. "Guess he deserves some thanks after what he's done for us."

Dean approached the librarian.

"Hey, Ca... Cas. Sammy, my brother, told me we're giving you some overtime like every day. You must hate us, don't you?"

"No, I don't." The librarian kept his eyes low. Dean heard him speak for the first time. His voice was deep, low, and rough. Dean wouldn’t mind hearing it more often.

"Good to know. Cas...Thanks for keeping an eye on Sam."

Castiel lifted his sight. Right into Dean Winchester's smile.

 

* * *

 

Those green eyes. For the first time, Castiel got an opportunity to look in them. He dreamt that one day he would wake up, and the first thing he would see would be those eyes.

It wasn't going to happen. This thought didn't help him. Mornings were already too unpleasant for Castiel. This one started with painful light in the bedroom from the rising sun. He turned in his bed, muttering to himself. He had to get up. He had work. He would see Dean.

He got up. He went through his apartment. He switched on his laptop. It was part of his routine. He checked the internet, but nothing had happened in the world since the day before.

Finally, he opened the text document. Looking at the written sentences was painful. He knew them too well and he knew he could never find the proper continuation, not to mention ending, to those words. He was no good at this. He should give up, but on and on he tried every morning. On his best day, he would fight through one page; on his worst, he deleted everything from the beginning, only to go back later and make the same mistakes.  

Today was one of the bad days.

Before him, the document stayed only a blank page. Even the idea of a story was running further and further away from him every day. After two hours of holding his head in his hands and not writing a word, he switched off his laptop.

He had to go to work. He checked his phone before going out. Two missed calls from his brother. Castiel wasn't going to call him back. He never did it. And he never picked up. Their family fell apart years ago and no one could change it. No matter how much they tried.

Their family was different from the Winchesters'. No one cared that they were losing themselves. Everyone had gone their own way and they ended up seeing each other once a year, at best. They were used to this. Maybe the same thing would happen to Winchesters. After all, Sam was going off to college. He told Castiel once that he wanted to get into Stanford. It was far away from Sioux Falls. He and Dean would probably lose contact, get used to being apart and... Or maybe they would survive it, maybe Dean wouldn’t let them fall apart.

Cas let himself drown in his dream while he was working. If there had been someone like Dean in his life, how would things be different?

 

* * *

 

"Hi, Cas."

"Hello, Dean..." Cas blurted out.

It was a new part of the Winchesters' daily routine. Every evening Dean comes for Sam, but first, he greets Cas. He was getting comfortable with Dean’s attention.

After a week, this new routine changed again. Dean sat near him. Why? Shouldn't he wait for Sam and go home? Castiel looked at him more confidently. He was curious what had happened to make Dean keep changing his routine, the one he’d lived by the past few months.

"Is there anything wrong?" he asked.

"Why?" Dean smirked. "Just killing time."

"Oh... Right..."

Dean changed his position several times. He looked nervous. Do people like him get nervous? Apparently. But why...? Maybe he was having some troubles with Sam. Or he wanted to talk. But, why did he want to talk with some librarian with whom he had exchanged a few greetings?

Castiel hesitated for a few minutes. He cocked his head and observed his companion. He tried to guess what this man was thinking, and at the same time, appreciated his looks. Speaking of which, Dean had a dark stain on the corner of his cheek...

"You have..." Castiel showed it on himself.

Dean rubbed his cheek. He looked at his hand. He noticed a dark trail of grease.

"It's from work. I was in a hurry..."

"Why?" Castiel dared to ask.

"Hm? Oh. I tried to come here earlier. So we don't ruin every evening of your life." Dean checked the time on his phone. "I still have twenty minutes until close, right?" He turned his gaze to Sam who didn't notice him yet. "I didn't want to force him out so early..."

"You're not _ruining_ anything. I still can hold the library open longer for you two."

"And your plans for the evening?"

"Don't have any. At home I'll probably do what I do here."

"Read and stare at people?"

"I live alone, so only read."

"Anything interesting now?"

And just like that, Castiel was talking casually with his dream man. Some words were awkward and unfitting, but most of them came naturally. The first time he talked with anyone so casually apart from his own family.

Sam finally noticed his brother. Dean checked the hour on his phone. Five minutes to seven. He sighed. Time to go.

"It's near close time. We'd better go." He smiled to Cas, then stood up and went to Sam.

 

* * *

 

Dean wanted to have someone to talk to. Sure, he had his friends and family, but… he just couldn’t talk with them right now. He couldn't bring himself to tell them, he couldn't even tell himself what was wrong. He only felt that something didn't fit and he wanted to talk. He was sick from keeping everything inside him. But if he started telling them anything, they all reacted the same way. They’d look at him with such pity like he needed help with every damn thing.

He was wondering how it would be when he told Cas. The last time in the library, it was so strange, starting to talk to the always-quiet librarian. They didn't even know each other. But Dean enjoyed being with him. Talking with him was natural. And so he kept doing it.

 

* * *

 

"He's not alone," Cas threw out when Dean passed by his desk in the library.

"Oh..." Dean looked where Sam usually sat. He was with some chick. They were giggling over the books. Looks like someone grew up a ladies' man. Dean smirked and returned his gaze to the librarian. "Hi, Cas."

Cas looked up from a book and smiled. "Hello, Dean."

"You're hungry?"

"A little."

"Want to leave the kids alone and go out? I know a good place."

"Dean, I..."

But Dean had already made his decision.

"Sammy" Dean threw to his brother. "Behave. We don't want Cas to lose his job."

Sam looked at them. Maybe he was used to his brother's unusual behavior.

Cas wasn't. He didn't have any choice other than to agree with Dean's proposition. Well, what’s the worst that could happen from going out with Dean?

“Okay, let's go.”  Dean tossed him that smile for which Cas would do anything. He would follow him anywhere.

Cas followed Dean out of the library. It was weird. Castiel rarely spent time outside of work or his own apartment. He always felt nervous, anxious, unfitting, but now it was different. He felt good. Light. He even smiled.

Dean walked to a black muscle car.

"Is it yours?" Cas asked.

"Dad's. But I take good care of her, so he lets me take her." Dean patted his beloved '67 Chevy Impala. He was smiling. He was almost radiant from joy presenting his precious car to someone.

"She's beautiful."

"Finally, someone with good taste. Not everyone appreciates her. Baby, you're the best." He patted the car affectionately before going inside.

"I know the owner of a great dinner," he explained when Cas sat in a passenger seat. He started telling Cas about the owner, named Benny. The topic of conversation switched to meals at that dinner and by the time they got there, Cas could repeat every kind of pie they had on their menu.

 

* * *

 

And here they were. In a loud, cozy dinner with a mountain of burgers between them - which was decreasing rapidly.

"Sam often talks about you. You're a hero to him," Cas dared to say, encouraged by Dean's small talk.

"Like every older brother to his little brother," Dean said, but he smiled and lowered his gaze. He took another bite of his burger and looked back at Castiel. "What did he tell you?"

"You raised him. Helped him many times. Always watched his back. And now, you’re working to get money for his college, so he's doing everything to get a scholarship."

Dean clenched his jaw for a moment.

"And Dad is a douche bag? Yeah, that's the getting-to-know-the-Winchesters starter pack."

"I'm sorry..."

"Don't be. It's...” Dean pushed his bitten burger around on his plate. “Nevermind. We had tough moments, but we can handle it. So, you know everything about me and I don't know a thing about you."

"There is nothing to tell..."

"There is always something to tell."

"I'm no good with... talking to people."

"You're talking with me and you're doing fine," Dean smirked. He patted Castiel's shoulder. "Maybe you're a bit rusty, but that's all."

"Thank you."

"So...?"

"I'm a librarian." Castiel saw Dean smiling, but he didn't interrupt and it didn’t seem like he was going to laugh him off. It felt like he was encouraging him. Cas continued. "I'm twenty-nine. I have three older brothers and one younger sister. We don't... have the best relationship." He paused. Talking about the family was probably too bitter and painful for a first proper meeting.

"You enjoy your job?" Dean helped him return to harmless subjects.

"I think so."

"But you’d rather do something else? Come on, everyone wants something different out of life."

"Even you?"

"Who knows.” Dean bit his burger. Cas understood that Dean wasn’t going to tell him anything else personal. Cas was a little sad; those things made Dean who he was.

Did Dean want to be his friend? This thought shook Castiel. Why...? But he calmed himself down. They were just talking. This was what people do; he didn’t misunderstand or exaggerate it. Just talking.

Dean's phone rang. It ended their intimacy.

"Sorry." He checked his phone. "I have to pick up." He turned his gaze from Cas and clenched his fingers around his napkin as he listened to the other side of the conversation. "Jody, what...? Shit." He bit his lip. "Right, I'll go for Sam and... I'm on my way." He hung up and looked at Cas apologetically. "We need to go back to the library."


	2. Chapter 2

The library was too close to Benny's dinner. It should take them more time to get here, to get to the farewell. Why couldn't they be together a bit longer? They asked only for this one small thing. No one ever answers prayers.

"Cas..." Dean started when neither one of them wanted to get out of the car. "It was good to talk with you."

"I enjoy our talks too." Cas lowered his gaze, but he could imagine a smile on Dean's face.

They had to go back to their lives. Neither of them wanted it to happen. If only they could stay like this longer... but Dean went out of the car. Apparently, every fairy tale has its end.

 

* * *

 

"Sam..."

Sam raised his eyes from a book. His friend had already gone home and he was only killing time until his brother came back. He was ready to go, but he understood Dean's gaze. His body tensed. He clenched one hand on the desk.

"Dad got drunk off his ass again and we need to take him, right?"

"Jody took him home, but..."

"Why do we need to look after him?! If he fucks up, it's his problem! Not ours!"

Dean sighed. He was glad they were alone in the library. He didn't want to make a scene in front of people. They were doing it in front of Cas, but one person is better than a crowd. Dean looked at Cas apologetically. He wasn't looking for help, he never was, but Cas spoke up.

"Sam can stay at my place."

"Cas, it's our problem, we can handle it..."

"Dean. Let me help you."

Dean knew they didn't have any better options. He couldn't bring himself to drag Sam home.

"Cas, we don't want to force you..."

"It's okay. I live alone, he won't be trouble."

Relief showing on Dean's face was the greatest reward Cas could imagine.

 

* * *

 

Jody was waiting for Dean, leaning against the front doors.

"Where's Dad?"

"He's already passed out on the sofa. You didn't have to bother with coming here. Where's Sam?"

"At a friend's."

"You didn't have the heart to drag him home."

 

"Kind of..."He dropped his gaze from her. He couldn't admit it, even though it was the truth. He returned his eyes to her. "Want coffee?"

"No, I'll be going. Or you want me to stay with you?"

"I can handle it." He approached her. "Jody, thanks. Taking drunkards home isn't a sheriff's duty."

"I'll do it as a friend," she sighed. "I couldn't let you take him. After a whole day working, when he should..."

Dean turned his gaze away. It would have been better if Ellen called him; she wouldn't talk about it for weeks after. He was grateful for all Jody had done for them, but... she talked about it too much.

"Dean, do something for me? Start your own life."

He’d heard that too many times.

"This is my life," he said with a forced smile.

"Damn you, Winchesters."

 

* * *

 

Castiel's life was organized. Every day he made it through his routine and stayed away from other people. And then he got here. Right after dinner with his dream man, he ended up taking that man’s brother home for the night. He barely knew either of them. His entire routine was shattering, but all he could feel was happiness.

"How long have you been living here?" Sam asked, looking around Cas' apartment.

"Why...?" Cas frowned. It took him a second to realized he’d left many cardboard boxes unpacked in the corridor. "Oh. Long enough to unpack, but..."

"I understand. Really." Sam looked into his eyes for a moment. "Our home is similar. We don't have much.  Dean tried to unpack everything, but it's only a matter of time until we move out again. I try to not get attached to a place. Dean always promises to stay in one place; however, after a few weeks, Dad decides to move out. And Dean never stands up to him. He lets him do anything."

"He is your father after all."

"He's..." Sam didn't finish. Only sighed. And then with less emotion in his voice, he continued.: "My brother always tried to tell me that  Dad isn't bad, that he cares about us, that he's been doing so much for us. But Dad didn’t do anything. Dean did everything from raising me to saving Dad's ass every night he drank too much. Once I told him I was scared of the thing in my closet, and he said I should go and take care of it myself. I was nine years old."

"And what did Dean do?"

Sam smiled. "He took care of it. That night he ‘fought’ the monster - well, he went to the closet with a flashlight. Every night, before we went to sleep, he'd looked to see if there were any monsters in there."

"He was always caring about you."

"I know. It's his problem."

Cas looked at him, confused.

 

* * *

 

Sometimes Dean was sick of this. Of his life. He had enough.

He showered his face with freezing water. He looked up at the mirror. _I'm fine._ Even if his face was clearly saying another thing. But he was fine. He couldn't let down Sam. He must keep it all together for him.

His phone buzzed. He checked it. One message. Unknown number. He opened it.

_Are you alright?_

Who the hell...?

Cas.

Dean let out a sigh. He wasn't... he was alright. It's just a day like any other. Dad got into a bar fight, lost his job again and a few minutes ago passed out on the sofa; Sam didn't want to come home anymore; Jody bent her rules for them once more and they dragged Cas into their family problems.

Dean's hands were trembling.

It's fine, he kept repeating to himself. When he calmed down, he replied to Cas:

_Tomorrow everything will be fine._

It was a lie. Maybe not quite tomorrow, but they will be fine. As always. They will deal with it. And then Dad will get drunk again, Sam won't want to come back home, and everyone else will try to tell them what they should do.

Then came the next message from Cas.

_All good?_

How the hell could I know? he thought, but he just typed:

_Yeah, thanks for everything._

Dean threw his phone aside. He looked at the mirror again.

"I'm fine. I'm not porcelain. I'm not going to break. I'll be good."

Tired green eyes were looking at him silently. They wouldn't betray him. He was only tired. It wasn't anything bad. He worked a lot for his family. And it was easily curable, he just needed some sleep.

 

* * *

 

Castiel woke up hearing rustling sounds. A burglar? He didn't have any savings at home or anything to sell. He pulled his sheets over his head. But this unknown sound kept him awake. He got up and went looking for its source.

Sam was getting ready to go out.

"You're going already? It's Saturday, right?" Castiel yawned.

"I didn't want to bother you more."

"You're not. Dean won't come for you?"

"He's working. Someone has to." Sam was still mad at Dad about last night. About every night he spent drinking. Every night Dean had to clean his mess. It wasn't right. He looked at Cas. "I can take care of myself."

"I don't doubt it. At least, let's eat breakfast. Dean wouldn't like you to walk around hungry."

"You're right... Castiel... Thank you. Some nights are tough for us, but we never have anyone to help, so... Thank you. For being here."

 

* * *

 

Dean needed to work out what happened last night and put every emotion out of his body by using actions. A shift at salvage was a far better way of dealing with his feelings than drinking them away like Dad. Dean knew it, but... he kept away from it.

"Hi, Bobby." It was Sam’s voice. Dean looked up from the car.

"Sam, come here." Bobby hugged him. "You're just taller and taller."

"Taller than Dean already."

"Shut up, bitch," Dean threw over the car he was working on.

"Jerk."

“I heard about John,” Bobby said.

“At least I still have a job," Dean smirked and returned to repair the car.

Sam leaned at the wall, hands in his jeans pockets.

"How was Dad?"

"Drunk. Silent. He passed out not long after I'd come home."

Good, Sam thought. Dad was a mean drunk. He often kept saying awful things. But if he passed out… Sam could only hope nothing bad happened.

Dean stopped his work. He cleaned his hand with a towel. He looked at his brother.

"Let's go to Benny's for dinner."

Sam smiled. If all Dean could think about was food, everything was okay.

 

* * *

 

That evening, the Winchesters didn't show up in the library. Their family situation must be even worse than Castiel thought.

"Castiel, we're closing." Charlie woke him from his thoughts.

"Right..." He stood up. "You can go. I'll close."

"Okay." She left him, like every evening.

Castiel stayed in the library for next half an hour. The Winchesters didn't come. He knew it. But he couldn't do anything else.

 

* * *

 

After dinner, Dean took Sam to the Roadhouse. It was a better option than leaving him alone at home with Dad. Dean had the night shift at Ellen's and they needed this money; he couldn't skip it. She’d probably let him skip, even, but he just didn’t think it was right to take money from her.

"Dean, you're okay?" Ellen asked him. "Last night John..."

Right, it happened right here, Dean thought.

"It's a part of our life routine, Ellen. I'm used to him."

"If you get in trouble, we can help."

"I know." He returned to his job.

It was their family. Just Dean, Sam, and Dad. Everyone else was passing by, temporary spare parts for their family, not a real part of it. Bobby would be pissed off at him if he heard this, but it was what Dean believed. What life showed him as true. But they’d stay in this town until Sam finishes high school. He had to do everything to make it true. No more broken promises of staying. It's his last chance to do something for Sam before he gets to college.

"What's with that frowny face?" A blond girl moved closer to him.

"Jo, get off me."

She rolled her eyes. "So pissed off, so early in the evening. If you start drinking, you'll pass out soon."

"I won't drink tonight."

"Because of your Dad?"

"Because I'm working, if you're blind."

"Hey! We're worried about you two. Let us. You're part of the family."

"Two? Which one did you exclude?" He tried to laugh it off.

"I thought about you and Sam. Sorry, I don't like your Dad."

"You ain't alone." Dean returned to wipe off tables.

"Sam...?"

"Yeah. After yesterday, he hates him even more. If it's possible." He stretched. Everything was ready for the evening, but it would be still a long night. Another sleepless night.

 

* * *

 

At four am, the Roadhouse was deadly silent. There were still some drunks more or less conscious over their booze. Half an hour ‘til close up.

Jo came to Dean with a smile. She'd drunk when her mom wasn't watching. Dean never interrupted, he was no saint either and she knew her limits. He'd lost this ability.

"Stage is all yours," she said to him.

"Not ours?" He rested the back of his head on the wall.

She giggled and came to him. "You know what I mean. No one's here, at least no one sober enough to hear you."

"Except you, your mother, and Sam. Too big of an audience. I pass."

"Shame." She sat and leaned on his arm. "Looks like I'm going to pass out sooner."

"See." He smiled. "Go to sleep."

"He's right," Ellen interrupted.

"Mom..." Jo moaned.

"We're closing. Dean, you're free."

"I’ll help you close." He stood up. "I can still work."

"So can I." Ellen put her hands on her hips. "But Sam fell asleep."

"Right..."

"Dean?"

"What, boss?"

She smiled and looked closely at him.

"I have spare rooms. You two can stay for a night."

"I know. But I'm not going to leave Dad."

"He won't be worried."

"He won't. It's just that family has to stick together. And Sammy needs to sleep in his bed.”

 

* * *

 

After that sleepy, silent Sunday came Monday with its usual working routine. It meant Dean got a chance to see Cas again. To thank him. He kept doing more and more for them, but it didn't make Dean feel any better. He only owed him more and more.

When he entered the library, Dean looked for Cas. It didn't take much effort. Dean came to him trying to smile, to be more himself than an always-tired piece of shit.

Cas raised his blue eyes at him.

"Hello, Dean." He smiled gently. Calming.

"Hi. Listen, Cas, sorry for throwing you into our problems."

"If you need anything, I..."

"No, Cas. You've already done too much for us."

"Why don’t you want help?"

"It's something I gotta handle myself."

"No, it's not."

"Right, thank you, Dr. Phil." He rolled his eyes. "I’d better take Sam..."

"Of course." Cas lowered his eyes.

 

* * *

 

Dean checked his phone, before going to bed. One message. From Cas.

_I'm sorry._

Dean sat on his bed. He screwed it up. Everything. He needed to take his shit together and stop whining like a baby. He was hurting everyone.

He hurt Cas.

_I'm a dick, don't sorry me._

He’d try better tomorrow. He’d take care of everything. He had to.


	3. Chapter 3

The first step to correct his mistakes. It was better to try something he'd already done before he faced Cas. He went to the salvage.

"Bobby... Busy week, right?" Dean wanted to hide, just to avoid this conversation. But he had to. As always. Why couldn't he get used to it?

"Yeah. You want a raise?"

"No..."

"Spit it out, son."

He shouldn't use Bobby. He was always good for him and Sam. He was the fucking best person they'd ever met.

Dean forced himself to say it. In any case, Bobby will refuse.

"Maybe... you could hire Dad? I know, it's stupid, you don't like each other, and..."

Bobby sighed.

"That asshat got fired again?"

"Benny lost his patience. It would only be for a couple of weeks. I don't want to see him rotting at home or at the Roadhouse."

"Okay," Bobby looked right into Dean's eyes. "But I'm doing this for you. If you ever feel like you don't want him here, know that I don’t either and that we can fire him."

"Thanks, Bobby" Dean turned away his gaze.

“Go back to work, boy. I don't pay you for standing there and looking pretty"

Dean smiled.

"Maybe you should" they heard woman's voice.

Dean turned around back and noticed his red-haired friend.

"What's up, Charlie?"

"Oh, you know, the usual stuff. Getting prepared for LARPs, nothing big lately. And you?" her gaze followed Dean when he returned to the car he was working on. "Our always working man? I saw you stopping by the library more and more."

"Picking up Sam as always."

"And speaking to some raven-haired-silent-bookworm type of a guy."

"Cas?" he glanced up at her. "You know him?"

"He’s my colleague, but he doesn't seem to like talking."

"Didn't notice."

"It's true, unless he's with you or Sam, really. It looks like you two know him far better than me."

"He kept an eye on Sam last time Dad passed out."

"I rarely see you hanging out with someone"

"I don't have the time or opportunity. We're just killing some time together."

"You seemed pretty close. Guess, I'm wrong..." she sighed. "You know, he lives nearby."

"And?"

"Just came to my mind… It’s nothing if you are not interested."

Dean rolled his eyes and focused on his job. He wasn’t that lonely to throw himself on someone with whom he talked few times.

"Charlie, have a moment?" Bobby called her.

"Always" she walked away from Dean. "Sorry for distracting your employee" she leaned at the wall. "So, what's up, Bobby?"

"I just hired John. Dean asked."

"Ouch."

"Damn right. Take Dean out somewhere from time to time. I don't want this boy to stick with that bastard 24/7."

"I'll see what I can do."

  
  


* * *

 

Time at work flew rapidly. Dean was doing something he loved and here it was the easiest for him to get away from his thoughts. He was focusing on the job, so he wouldn’t feel guilty after. He wasn't forgetting about Sam or Dad, or even Cas, he was simply working. And he was doing a great job.

His shift ended. He rushed to change his clothes and to pick up Sam. It was a mindless routine. But when he stepped into the library, he was suddenly overwhelmed with thoughts. He shouldn't rush in here. He should have taken his time, thought about everything, came up with what he should say to Cas. Instead, he was standing here, with just emptiness in his head.

The librarian noticed him. Cas raised his eyes at him. He smiled. Gently, softly. Dean didn't deserve it.

"Cas... I'm sorry."

"There is nothing to apologize for. I shouldn't have insisted yesterday."

Dean didn't say anything more. With every word, he was making things worse and worse.

Sam came up to them.

"What's happening?" he looked at them interested.

"Just talking" Dean turned his gaze to his brother. "Ready to go, kiddo?"

"I'm not a kid, jerk."

"Bitch."

Sam rolled his eyes.

"Okay, not-a-kid. Let's go." Dean looked at the librarian. "Bye, Cas."

Sam followed his brother to the Impala. He took his shotgun seat when Dean sat at a driver. This is how it should always be. Just two of them and their beloved car, the only home they ever had.

"So? What happened between you two?" Sam didn't forget about their strange behavior.

"Yesterday, Cas wanted to help, talk and..."

"You didn't react to it well."

"Right" Dean turned keys in the ignition. The lovely sound of the engine welcomed him. His baby never gave him any problems. She was his best companion.

"Dean... Don't blame yourself. Castiel isn't mad at you."

"I just don't want to hurt him."

  
  


* * *

 

The alarm clock rang. Dean turned it off. He was already awake. He couldn't sleep. Or he'd slept so shallow he didn't notice and it didn't bring him any rest. He got up and checked the time again. Time to wake up. He got dressed,  then returned to poke his brother. Sammy murmured something. Turned once. Twice. And once he was more conscious, he got up too.

Dean went to the kitchen to make something edible from leftovers in the fridge. Years of doing it made him a master. Always doing something from nothing. They needed to eat even if nothing was at home and they don't have time to buy anything or if they didn't make ends meet.

Sam came to the kitchen when he was done. Only one thing in the morning routine was yet to check.

"Dad, I made breakfast."

John growled raising from the bed. Nasty hangover, he spent another night drinking. Again. He looked up at his son.

"What? Like you're a saint."

"I get you a job. At salvage."

"Bobby's?"

"Yes."

"I quit."

"At least try."

"Last time he said he would kill me if he ever saw me again. It's a shitty life, but better than none."

"He was mad, but it's in the past."

  
  


* * *

 

Dad didn't show up at work.

"He'll come tomorrow."

Bobby remained silent. He knew Dean's situation too well. Why were there still kids who had to go through this?

  
  


* * *

 

Next day Dad showed up at work. But it didn't change anything. Dean's plan was failing once again. He was losing control over anything in his hands.

He needed to work more. Do anything but thinking. He went to Benny.

"Hey, chief. What can I get you?"

"Benny, you have a job?"

"You're short with money?"

"Just have to do anything with my hands."

"Sure. Two evenings as a waiter, from... maybe tomorrow, paid as always, sounds fair?"

Two days. It wasn't enough, he needed a constant distraction, on the other hand... Dean didn't know how long he'll last till breaking this time. Maybe two days were good, he could survive it.

"Yes. Thanks."

"Anything for you, brother."

  
  


* * *

 

Dad and Sam were arguing. Dean should get used to it now. But he didn't. With every raised voice something cracked inside him.

Dad had known better. And he never met halfway. Sam always lost. Even if he was right and Dean would be completely on his side. Brothers could only accept their defeat.

Sam went to his room slamming the door. It was better than running from home to some unknown friend's home. But he will run off, he'll go to college, Dean reminded himself.

"Dad, he's just a kid, let him..."

"I don't have to be liked by you, it's my job..."

"To raise us right. We know. We remember it, just... Nothing."

"And better it stays that way."

"Yes, sir."

 

 

* * *

 

"Dean didn't come for you?" Cas noticed Sam sneaking out of the library.

"He took a shift in dinner. For today and tomorrow"

"He works a lot."

Sam looked at him with his sad puppy eyes.

"Too much."

"Maybe you need..."

"It isn't because we need money or anything. He's overworking himself" he looked at Castiel.

Librarian barely understood, but still, he was listening to him carefully. Sam just needed to complain to someone. He sat next to Cas.

"I saw it too many times. He works more, he sleeps less and one day he breaks and ends up dead drunk. It's our family routine. First Dad is getting worse, loses his job, drinks more and more, Dean somehow matches him up, but after that, he's going down. I'm sick of watching this... Luckily, I'm going to college."

"But Dean will stay here."

"Maybe if he doesn't have to keep our family together, he'll get out too."

"Maybe."

"Or it will hurt him, break him. You wanted to say this?" Sam looked up at him. Right into his eyes. "Cas, I’m aware of this, but staying here is doing to him the same thing he's doing to Dad. It isn't a solution."

"You thought about it."

"Too much, I know. But he's my brother."

Sam smiled. He reminded himself something. "I called you Cas. Guess Dean was talking too much about you."

"You can call me that."

"Thanks. And thanks for listening to me... Okay, I should probably go."

  
  


* * *

 

Sam woke up hearing someone's footsteps. He thought they were Dad's, just another drinking night. But they were Dean's. He was getting worse.

"Dean?" Sam walked out of his room.

"Go to sleep," Dean said.

"I dreamt about mom."

Dean was quiet.

“You want to...?”

Sam nodded.

Dean came into his brother’s room. He sat on his bed.

"Want to hear about her?"

Sam nodded.

So Dean told him.

Dad wasn't able to talk about her anymore. It became too painful. She won't come back. No matter what they would do. In moments like this, Dean was grateful, Dad spoke about her so much when he was younger. Now he could pass it on to Sam. Every night after such dream, he sat on his bed and told him about mom. Dean never dreamt about her. He had many dreams about the night she died, about the fire, about heat, but never about her, even though he remembered her. Maybe one day he'll become unable to speak about her like Dad. So Dean kept on talking about her as long as he could.

  
  


* * *

 

Talking about Mom sometimes helped to keep Dean in the right headspace. Sam didn't lie, he dreamt about her often, even if he knew her only from Dean's stories and old photos his brother was keeping. This time it didn't work or barely. He saw it in the morning. Dean didn't eat anything.

The whole day Sam was worried about him. But his shifts at Benny's ended, so Dean came to the library. Sam smiled when he saw his brother heading to Cas. It was good he found someone to talk to. He needed this.

  
  


* * *

 

"Dean?" Cas cocked his head and tightened his eyes.

"What?" the man smiled. He knew exactly what he had done wrong.

"We do not eat in the library."

"We eat when we're hungry. And there is no one else but us. Calm down, you won't be a bad example." he smiled and looked at his brother. "Sammy, come here!"

  
  


* * *

 

Finally, Dean ate something. Here, he felt relaxed. Far away from all problems which were taking his sleep and appetite away.

"Maybe I’ll leave you two," Sam said with his evil smile.

Dean rolled his eyes. What was his brother thinking? Right, he should talk to Cas, finally make things right, but leaving him like that, completely unprepared... He had to improvise.

"Guess I have to say something" he looked at the librarian when Sam left them. "Cas... Thanks. You don't even know how much this all means to me. I... I feel good being with you. So good, that returning to my life afterward is worse than ever."

"If you feel down, you can call me."

Dean chuckled.

"Who are you? An angel? Or you're really bored with this job?"

"If I can help, I prefer to do it."

"So, an angel."

  
  


* * *

 

Next evening Dean didn't come. Sam went to a friend to do a school project, so there was no need for older Winchester to show up in the library. But without seeing him, Cas felt something was missing in his day, in his life.

When he returned home he turned on some movie online. Caddyshack. Dean told him about it the day before. It was... amusing.

Around midnight movie ended, Cas went to make himself a night snack. Now he would understand one of never-ending pile of Dean's references.

Cas' phone rang. At first, he didn't want to pick up, but he checked who was calling.

Dean.

  
  


* * *

 

Dean met his limit. He couldn't take it anymore. It was too much. As soon as he finished the job, he went to the nearest bar. He needed to help himself. It wasn't a solution, but it was easier. It was exactly what he needed, a moment to forget about everything... And he didn't think this over. He forgot about his baby. She could stay at Bobby's, but how the hell would he get home... He can't. Sam has seen Dad in this state too often. He couldn't let him see he was going down the same road. One drunk Winchester was enough.

You know he lives nearby, he remembered Charlie's words.

It was a stupid idea. Too stupid, get your shit together Winchester. You want to throw your whole life at him.

He took out his phone. Dialed the number. Being drunk was to do stupid things.

"Cas..." Dean rasped when the call reached.

"Dean, what happened?"

Maybe he shouldn't make this call. He made him worried. He threw his life on Cas. He shouldn't... He didn't have anyone else to call.

"Dean?"

"I got drunk, I still am. I shouldn't call like that... Cas, I don't want to come home. I can't show myself like this to Sam. I can't. Dad is enough. If I'm too... I don't want to... Look how pathetic I am. Yesterday you told me I can call you and here I am..."

"Dean. Where are you?"

 


	4. Chapter 4

"Cas, I can walk myself" Dean complained; however, Cas still preferred to help him go up the stairs. He let go of his arm when they reached the right floor.

"You had to live so high?" Dean sighed leaning on the wall.

"Never felt the disadvantage of this" Cas took a key from his pocket.

"It's frigging high."

"Third floor?" he turned the key in the lock opening the doors.

"If you're drunk..."

"I don't drink."

"Good for you."

Dean watched the door open. Was he worth coming in? He was a shitty drunk who threw his life onto everyone else. And Cas became another position in his places-to-run-to list. He was pathetic.

"Dean" Cas looked at him tilting his head like always when he was confused. "Come in."

Only then Dean went in. Cas helped him make it to the sofa. Dean could do it by himself, he was starting to sober up, but he let him.

"Sorry for interrupting" Dean sighed sitting.

"I... I was surprised you called me."

"Coming here is better than passing out on a bench."

"You're right. Do you need anything?"

He looked up at him. Those caring blue eyes. Why was he looking at him like that? He was a loser, someone who couldn’t handle his own life without whining like a baby. He should pull himself together, not be looked after.

"You have a beer? Or something stronger?" he needed to get rid of all those feelings.

"I thought you were drunk."

"Not enough."

Cas sighed.

"Maybe my brother left something" he moved to the kitchen cabinets. It should be somewhere there.

"Your brother? You don't talk about him."

"My family doesn't resemble yours. Everyone lives their own life."

"It's lonely."

"Yes, and we found out too late." Cas found an unopened bottle of scotch. "Does this work for you?"

"Didn't know you had good stuff."

It's my brother's..., Cas kept it in his thoughts. He went to the kitchen for a... for two glasses.

"What were you doing in this area?" Cas asked giving Dean one of them.

"I work here. At salvage. Right after work, I got to the closest bar and got drunk..." he opened the bottle and poured it into the empty glass. He drank it right away and poured himself another one.

Cas didn't drink. He was looking at him closely.

"Dean... Are you alright?"

"What am I supposed to tell you? I'm good. I will be" he got through another glass.

"Dean... What's the matter? You don't think you deserve to be helped?" Cas cocked his head.

Dean took a shot. And another. He put down the glass. Alcohol roared in his ears. He looked at his friend. He couldn't lie looking into those eyes.

"I always end up with nothing. Dad's moving out, Sam running away from home or, like now, going to college. There's no need to be the family anymore. No one wants it to last."

"You want."

"My opinion doesn't change anything."

"But it matters."

Dean laughed.

"It's sick... Like Cassie said. I'm sick. It's all sick. My will to keep our family together."

"No, it's not... Dean" he stopped his hand from pouring another shot. "It's enough."

"Cas. I don't want this life" he trembled. "But... I can't leave them. I have to take care of them. It's my job..."

"And you're doing it well" green eyes raised to the blue ones. Cas had to continue. "You were always giving them more than you could. You never let them down. But you can change your life. You can do something only for yourself."

"Do I?"

"I'm sure about this. You deserve happiness."

Dean nodded several times. He lowered his head. His eyelids grew heavy.

"Dean, go to sleep, you're..."

"Can I sleep through my whole life? No. So I don't need to."

"You do need to. Don't be a child."

Dean laughed. Despite this, he lowered his head on the pillows. Alcohol was putting him to sleep. It was a matter of time for him to lose strength to fight with growing tiredness.

Cas stayed by his side till he fell asleep. He went to the bedroom for a blanket and returned to cover him with it.

He couldn't spend the whole night staring at him. Cas went to make himself another cup of tea, he switched off forgotten laptop. He followed his evening routine till he heard noise from the sofa.

Dean turned around. He clenched his fingers on the blanket. He was mumbling words Cas couldn't understand.

What was he dreaming about? Something that happened or something he fears? Was there anything he would fear? It looked like there was.

Cas touched his clenched fist. He put his hand over his. He waited. He couldn't do anything more besides waking him up, but was starting to work. Being near him and watching over him was enough.

How different was Dean from how he thought he was? Cas saw more and more of him, but still, some pieces didn't match. Also, he didn't know which of his assumptions were false and which were true. He wanted to get to know him better. But maybe it would be asking for too much.

 

* * *

 

Sunlight woke Cas. He looked at the clock near his bed. Nearly eleven. He'd slept through ten alarms. New record. But he was starting his shift at thirteen. He still had time, but he didn't have the will to get up. He had to.

Cas went out of his bedroom. He smelled something sweet and delicious. Probably he left an open window for a night and now someone was making Saturday big family breakfast.

He stopped.

Dean was in his kitchen.

Right, he stayed for the night.

"Coffee?" Dean passed him a cup. "My brother is the only morning person in this world. How's your night?"

"Good. And yours?"

"Mostly. I had a nice dream... Good to hear I didn't ruin your whole night" Dean smiled and returned to making pancakes. After a minute he asked: "Do you dream often?"

"Yes, why do you...?"

"I usually don't have dreams. At least not the nice ones. For two, three years. At least I don't remember any. I thought it must be adulthood. Now it looks like I was too tired..."

"It sounds like adulthood too."

"Maybe. But yesterday..."

"You had a nightmare."

"Was I screaming?" he joked, but something in his voice was serious.

"No. You were mumbling only, but later you calmed down."

"At first I had some... my usual dream, but then it changed into something nice... Don't mind that. Dreams don't have any sense or logic," he took last pancake from the pan. "Guess you have your morning routine and now I'm shattering it into pieces?"

"No... It's more... Unexpected? Like I'm still dreaming."

"You would dream about me? In your kitchen? You're weird."

Castiel only smiled. I dream about you in my life, in every part of my life, he thought.

"Okay," Dean placed a plate in front of Cas and the other one at the opposite side of the table. "I hope it repays a part of a bill of bad things I bring into your life. Try before you try to convince me I think too low of myself."

Cas tried. He never tasted anything so delicious. He moaned.

"Yep, you like it." Dean smiled.

"You're amazing."

At first, Dean wanted to say something, but his lips moved silently, he formed a smile, and his gaze lowered.

"Who's Cassie?" Cas asked after having some bites of those heavenly pancakes.

"Why...? Oh, right. I mentioned her yesterday?” Cas nodded. “She's... She was my girlfriend. After high school I had a job in a coffee shop, we were then in Cape Girardeau, she was often coming there. We started dating. And one day Dad decided to move out. I... I couldn't leave him and Sam... I was nineteen then, I could live by myself, but I couldn't live without them. I tried to explain it to Cassie. She said it's sick, that I'm sick. Guess she's right."

"You were doing this for your brother."

"If I was doing this for Sam, I would have taken him away from dad. As soon as I turned eighteen. But I didn't."

"So you were doing this for Sam and your dad."

"They don't want any of this. They don't need it."

"And you? Do you want this?"

"I want a family. My family. And the one way is..."

"You don't want it like this too."

"That's what our family is. I want it like that or I won't have any... It looks like one way or another I'll stay with nothing."

"Dean..."

"Cas. Thanks for saving my ass and everything, but maybe we leave psychoanalysis for another meeting."

"I'm sorry... Dean, if you need anything, you can come here again"

"Thanks."

Cas watched him leaving. Dean was right. He ruined his morning routine. And replaced it with something Cas could have only dream about.

 

* * *

 

Dean rushed out of Cas’ apartment.

He couldn't talk about things like these. Unless he was drunk like last night. Sober, he was too afraid how other people would react. Pity, disgust, disappointment. He didn't want them from Cas. He wouldn't survive it.

Why?

It hit him when he came home for a quick cleaning and change of clothes.

Why did Cas’ opinion matter?

He was the only one person who still was looking at Dean like that. Like he was a masterpiece, a hero. But he was different than people thought of him at first glance. No one wants him when they get the closer look.

Cas got a chance to do it. He had to see some flaws. But he still didn't get rid of Dean. It was weird. But also frightening. What if it changes?

But for now, Dean felt good. He hardly ever got a hangover, but it wasn't just it. He felt better. Yesterday he was in the middle of one of his worst days and suddenly he survived it.

And that dream... It started like his typical nightmare. Heat, fire, screams, he felt guilty, he was scared. He could barely move. But it changed. It softened. It wasn't a fire from that night. It was some of his happy memories. Because of him, Mom burned cookies. Scream changed to sigh. She was smiling. She was alive.

He had woken up crying. The first time he dreamt about Mom.

 

* * *

 

"Mornings aren't your thing, right?" Charlie said when Cas was late again.

"I had a problem. With a car" he said apologetically.

"How is it possible? You befriend a mechanic and your car is a wreck?" Charlie laughed. "Dean should take a look at it."

"I don't want to bother him..."

"Yeah, lately he had his bad days. But go to the salvage anyway. At least Bobby will take care of it."

"Bobby is...?"

"Dean's boss."

"Dean and Sam are surrounded by many people."

"You can't live alone."

"I could."

"And see what is happening now. You're drowning in a mass of people, even if it started with just two Winchesters." she smiled. She punched his arm. "It's good. To go out of your shell. You'll see. It takes time to get used to. Okay..." she took a sheet and wrote down something. "I'll give you the address. You know..." she looked at to him, "it's near your apartment."

Yes, I know, Dean told me, he thought, but he didn't let his words out. Probably Dean didn't want his friends to know where and in what state he spent last night. So Cas said only:

"Thank you."

 

* * *

 

"Dean! Someone to you" Bobby called him out.

Mechanic moved away from the car on which he was working on. He took a towel to clean his hands. He checked who called for him. Sam often came here, sometimes Charlie, so...

"Cas?" it was a person who he would never expect here.

"I'm sorry to interrupt your work. Charlie gave me the address..."

"What's the problem, Cas?"

"My car. I prefer not to use it, but sometimes I need it and something is wrong with it."

"Oh, right, the car" he smiled and looked over Cas' shoulder to see it. Jubilee Gold '78 Lincoln. Looks like they shared the love for classy cars. "What's wrong with it?"

"It has problems with starting."

"Okay. I will see."

Cas let himself watch as Dean wiped his hands on the towel. Watched the movement of his fingers dark from car's grease. He dreamt of feeling its touch.

Green eyes were watching him. Cas shivered.

"Will you give me the keys?" Dean asked.

"Yes," Cas took them out of the pocket and gave him.

Mechanic passed him.

Cas didn't dare to look at him again. He raised his eyes after several minutes when Dean came back to him.

"Battery needs to be recharged or changed. I'll take care of it today, but..." he looked at the clock on the wall. "In ten minutes I'm starting lunch break, so in the evening I’ll let you know, okay?"

"Yes."

Dean looked at the car he'd been working on. He sighed and returned to his friend.

"Listen, Cas... I thought about last night. And again I'm gonna say I was a dick, I'm sorry and stuff." he looked into his blue eyes. "Maybe let's skip that part. There will always be something I screw up and..."

"You didn't screw up anything, if you feel down, you can..."

"Just wanted to say that let's skip the apology part in our talks."

"I guess I'm okay with this."

"Good..." he looked up. "And that would be all for being alone," he said smiling.

"What's up, bitches!" Cas recognized Charlie's voice.

"Don't you have work?" Dean said to her.

"Checking on you two. The library was not left alone" the second part was meant to Cas.

"Why do we need to be checked?"

"I told Cas to come here..."

"Yeah, car, I'll take care of it. Thank you for recommending us. Bobby will be happy."

"Publicity is important" Dean rolled his eyes. "So, guys, maybe you'll come to Roadhouse tonight?"

Dean looked at Cas.

"You want to?" he asked him.

"I can go."

"Nice. At nine at Roadhouse?"

 

* * *

 

Cas has never been here. He tried to avoid crowded places. He needs to find Dean. Or Charlie. He took a deep breath. It didn't help. He couldn’t see them anywhere. He kept walking into the crowd looking for them. It's okay, it's going to be okay, you don't have to do anything, you can go home anytime, he tried to calm himself down. Maybe he should go home.

He felt someone's touch on his back.

"Hey, buddy"

"Dean..."

All his muscles relaxed hearing this voice. Seeing him calmed him down. He was saved. Only his panting breath gave away he wasn't alright a minute ago. It caught Dean's attention. He frowned his eyes concerned.

"You're okay?"

"I... No" he breathed out. "I don't handle crowds well..."

"Didn't expect it to be this crowded, huh? Wanna go out for a moment?"

"Yes."

"Okay. You can hold onto me if you need it."

Dean was walking to the exit making space for him, but also keeping a distance from him. Cas felt better when they got out of the most crowded area, but he kept following him to the exit. Cold evening air calmed him down.

He looked up at Dean.

"I'm sorry, it's..."

"If you feel bad, tell me, okay? I will help you as much as I can" Cas kept staring at him with glassy eyes. "Okay, listen" Dean rubbed his neck. "Everyone has something that makes them uncomfortable... I'm afraid of flying" that caught Cas' attention. "Really. In the plane I'm completely white and shaky" he shivered from the uncomfortable memory. "Usually I avoid them, but when I have to, I try to do something that calms me. Like humming Metallica. Is there something that would calm you down...?"

Cas looked at him. Focusing on his green eyes was calming him.

"Breathing didn't help..." he started. He never looked for something that would calm him. He kept running away, hiding. But looking into these eyes...

"Okay. So let's try another way. Sam often distracts me. So maybe we stick to this and spend time in less crowded spaces?" Cas nodded. "But, if you want to go home, just tell me. It's okay. And I'll help you run away from Charlie."

Cas smiled.

"Thank you."

"You helped me out last time. Now, it's my turn. So? Do you want to go home?"

"No."

"Okay, let's do baby steps. We'll go inside, somewhere aside, less crowded. I'll be with you the whole time, okay?" he looked into Cas’ eyes to make sure he was doing it right.

Cas nodded.

He didn't have to think about anything. He let Dean guide him into Roadhouse. Even drank one shot and started talking with Charlie, who finally found them. Dean's voice was calming. He was so patient. Waiting for every Cas' move or answer.

"Have you ever played pool?" Dean asked when Cas felt comfortable. "Come, I'll teach you."

They went up to the free billiard table. Dean set up the balls. He grinned to himself. He liked playing. He hadn't done it lately. He was spending too much time drinking his problems away, but hey, he was fine now. And he had good company. He took the cue.

"Wanna have the first move? I'll guide you" Dean smirked.

"Okay..." Cas took the cue hesitantly.

Dean leaned over him. Delicately he helped him get into the right position. Cas let him move his body. He closed his eyes for a moment. Feeling Dean's body wrapped around his...

 

* * *

 

“I’ve never seen him this happy," said Jo to Charlie bringing her her drink. She sat near her and joined into watching guys playing pool.

"Yeah. I hoped he could hook up with someone, but look at them, they are so occupied by each other they won't notice anyone else."

Jo laughed.

"Are you going to join them?" Charlie asked her.

"Why shouldn't I? Are you worried I'll ruin their moment?"

"They ruined it already" Charlie sighed. At first, this teaching looked pretty sensual. But Cas was a fast learner and Dean didn't have to guide him more. Shame. She took her drink and looked for possible hook up for this night.

Jo walked up to Dean and Cas. She was watching their game for a moment.

"Pool isn't the only thing Dean's good at."

"I have some talents" he forced a grin. Why did she come here and started talking about him?

"What else can he do?" Cas looked at her. Dean could only step back and let him find out more and more about him. Till he doesn't want Dean anymore.

"He can sing and play the guitar."

"Really?" Cas looked at him.

"I only know some basic things" Dean stayed focused on the game.

"I would love to hear that," said Cas.

"Good luck with that" Jo laughed. "No one has ever heard him. All we have is just Sam's rumors. But, if he was telling us the truth. Dean can. And he's fucking good at it."

Dean sighed. The game lost its meaning now.

"You'll never get over it?" he looked at her. She knew that pissed off stare. She loved to tease him to this state.

"Not until I hear you play" she replied.

"Good luck with that" he mimicked her.

Cas went to Charlie giving them space. He watched Dean and Jo fooling around. Arguing, more like teasing, now about some music band. The way they looked at each other. He shouldn't interrupt them.

"Are they together?" he asked Charlie.

"Dean and Jo? No. They're more like brother and sister. Lately, he doesn't have anyone."

"Weird."

"Duh," she sipped her drinking.

"Maybe because he’s working too much. Sam complained," Cas explained when she looked at him interested.

"Right, you two get along. So you must have heard about their Dad?"

"More than once."

"Now, he's working at the same salvage as Dean. You understand, right? Sorry to drag you into this, but I wanted to give him an evening away from all of this. We all want."

"We?

Charlie smiled.

"Even if he thinks he's all alone, he has friends here. Me, you, Jo, Ellen" she tilted her head in direction of the bartender. "Bobby, Sam, of course, Benny, Jody..."

"That's a lot."

"But he doesn't want to drag us into his mess. So we have to do it another way."

Cas silenced. Charlie returned to looking at some lonely girl.

Dean returned to them with a glass of whiskey.

"Found someone?" he asked her with a smirk.

"It looks like," she smiled. "I'll leave you two."

"Wish you luck."

"I always have it."

Dean smiled. That girl. His gaze returned to his friend.

"What's on your mind, Cas?"

"Jo said you can play guitar."

"Yeah" his gaze ran away.

"I was wondering who taught you?"

Dean hesitated. Alcohol in his veins made him slip it up.

"Robin. She was my first girlfriend... It was long ago. What?" he asked noticing Cas sad gaze.

"You're still hurt."

"You know how it is with first crushes" he took a sip of his whiskey. "And it ended up really shitty. It's more like I hurt her."

"Your family was moving out and you didn't know how to explain it?"

"I didn't have occasion to tell her anything. Dad said we were moving out and that's it. No complaining, no farewells. Just take your brother. Maybe if only I went straight to her..." he sighed. He took next sip. "I was afraid, Dad would ride out the city no matter if I was with them or not. I couldn't leave Sammy..."

"You always put him first."

"He deserves it" he drank all that rested in his glass. "I haven't played guitar anymore. I think too much what it would be if I'd stayed in that town, with Robin..."

"You loved her so much?"

"Man, it was the first crush. It sticks to you forever."

"Probably you're right."

"And your first crush? I've already bare myself to you."

"I..." Cas ran his gaze away. "It hasn't ended yet."

"You're with...?

"No. It... The relationship hasn't begun."

"What are you waiting for?

"I wish I had your courage" he smiled. "Sometimes thinking about him, dreaming feels like enough...

"Him?"

Cas shivered. For a moment his world shattered. He just came out to Dean, not knowing his tolerance.

"Sorry," Dean corrected himself. Great, Winchester, you freaked him out. "I don't have anything against gays. You just... surprised me" he looked another side. He needed to drink more.

"Dean..." this voice stopped him. God, this low voice... Return to earth, Winchester.

"Sorry, drink too much, what did you say?" this time he did his best to stay focused.

Cas smiled. That smile...

"It’s late. We should go."

"Oh, right."

"I can come here with you again if you want."

"You like it?"

"Yes. Very much."

 

* * *

 

When Dean returned home, he was happy. Not drunk-happy. Rather I-got-laid-happy. Sam smiled.

"How was your date?" he asked teasingly.

"It wasn't a date. Just Charlie, Cas and Jo."

"Sure, you're so happy after friends' meeting."

"Go to sleep, kiddo" Dean ruffled his hair.

Sam rolled his eyes. He needed to go through one more page, then he could go to sleep. Exams were almost there and he had to get the scholarship for Stanford. It was a matter of his life.

Dean left him. He went shower humming. He felt good. Light. It was weird for someone like him. He didn't bother with overthinking it. Or some other things he couldn't get away from his head.

Things like someone's blue eyes.

Someone's low voice.

Someone's light smile.


	5. Chapter 5

Winchester brothers will disappear from his life.

It hit Castiel one morning. Right in the middle of his routine. He drowned in this thought.

It was happening right now. He was losing them. Exam session was over. Sam was still visiting the library, but not as often and for as long time as he used to. Dean came by few times, for Sam or Charlie, always finding a moment to talk with Cas. But it was happening less and less frequently. And when Sam will go to college, it will end.

They didn't need library any longer. They found new hideaways. They moved on. Castiel stayed. Alone. He had to accept it. Learn again how to live away from others.

He could ask Charlie where to find Dean or he could go straight to Roadhouse or Benny's. And then what?

Maybe it would be better to let them go. People come in and go away. It's only matter of time. If they leave him now, it won't hurt as much as if they leave him later in future.

Cas sat in his apartment unable to do anything.

 

* * *

 

"Dean..." Sam came to his room wanting to ask something, but what he saw was more interesting. His brother was sitting on his bed running his fingers through strings of guitar forgotten years ago. "Dean, you're...? Guess hanging out with Cas is something, I thought you would never play it again" he sat next to his brother.

"I'm in good mood. And have time to kill." he put his guitar down. He rarely played it. He was never in the mood to do it. Always too tired and... He was tired, that's all. But since that evening at Roadhouse, he felt more relaxed than in last four years he'd ever felt. He looked at his brother. "So, what happened?"

"Dean... I get the scholarship."

He smiled.

"I told you so, smartass" he ruffled his hair. "I' proud of you." That was his amazing little brother. Smart. Ambitious. He could achieve anything. Sam was all his proud. He was far better than Dean or Dad.

Sam was going to college. He was leaving.

It doesn't matter. Don't think about it, he told himself.

"You told Dad?" Dean asked with sadder voice.

"No" Sam ran his gaze away.

"Tell him."

"Why? He doesn't care" he closed his hand into fist.

"He cares. He'll be proud as I am"

"He won't! I'm never good enough. And now, I'm running away to college."

Dean waited till there wasn't even the slightest sign of Sam's anger. Then he said slowly with steady voice looking him in the eyes.

"Dad was never disappointed in you. Never."

 

* * *

  

Next day Sam came to the salvage.

"I told him."

"And?" Dean stopped working and he looked at his brother.

"He said _go and stay gone_."

"He didn't mean it."

"He did. I'm sick of him. Of all of his fucked up mess. I can't take it anymore. If he doesn't want us, then he doesn't have to have us."

"Don't talk like this," please, the last word rested on Dean's tongue, but showed up by his expression, so Sam put his eyes low and calmed down.

"I'm going out."

"Where?"

"To friend"

Dean watched him go. Again. Soon we will go to college. And he won't come back. Thanks to Dad.

He tried his best to work this through. To not throw it on John when he finally showed up at work. To not say all things Dean was keeping inside him for all those years.

He came back home earlier than Dad. John went drinking again. The night before, he did it at home. There were still bottles left around the table. Dean didn't have time to clean it up at morning. He had to do this now. Before Sam come back and...

Dean dumped everything from the table. One of the bottles shattered on the floor. Sam was going further and further from them. Dad was only making it worse. Why? Why Dad never helped them, never supported them? Dean didn't have words for softening every his fight with Sam, he didn't have the strength to correct all his mistakes. He couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't live like this. He couldn't. He couldn't do it all alone.

Dean went out.

He had a friend too.

 

* * *

 

Dean went into the library, less and less sure if he'd done good choice. Maybe he should stay at home. Keep an eye on Dad. Maybe wait till Sam would come back.

He didn't want to do any of those.

He wanted to be here.

With Cas.

The first person he saw was Charlie. Redhead raised her eyes to him and smiled.

"Didn't know you're still working at that hour" Dean started trying to hide his disappointment it wasn't Cas he saw first. "I could have brought you that CDs Sam borrowed from you."

"They can wait. So... Sam is really leaving..." she sighed.

"Yeah" Dean turned away his gaze. He didn't want to get through his talk here. He didn't come here for it. But he saw Cas nowhere. Maybe it was his day off. Maybe his shifts changed. Dean knew nothing about him. "Charlie... Where's Cas?"

"I kinda set him up with extra work... He always needs to correct it after me, so I thought it would be faster if he did it all..." Dean still was looking at her waiting. "He should be in YA section, the second alley from the wall."

Dean walked in pointed direction. He founds Cas here. He was checking through books on the shelves. Correcting their order and adding some from his cart.

"Hi, Cas."

"Dean..." librarian looked at him. He had to force himself to keep doing his job. "Sam wasn't here today."

"I know, Cas" Dean handed him another book from the cart. "I come for you" blue eyes looked at him with confusion. "I... Do you need help with this...?" Dean ran away from his words noticing Cas was correcting books from Z to A and he was currently at the W. "It will take a hell of the time to get through this all alone."

"It's only one section."

"Yeah, it stayed only twenty-three letters in the alphabet to check. Not much.

"Charlie kept messing them even more than average reader" he sighed.

"So you don't trust me?"

"I do trust you, just... If I come to salvage, would you let me help you repair your cars?"

"It matters how important they are to me. If they're not so much, after a little training, I would let you. So those YAs are to you boring imports or classy Americans?"

Cas smiled.

"You can start at A, we should meet somewhere in the middle" Dean smiled to this and stepped to the bookshelf. Cas gave him one more instruction. "Alphabetically by authors, then titles, try to keep series together and in the right order. At front or back of the cover should write about it."

"Yes, sir."

Cas chuckled. He squinted his eyes. His Adam's apple trembled. Seeing him like this was a cure for all Dean's distress...

He kept staring at him for too long. He had a work to do. He focused on his task. After they could still spend some time together.

Cas returned to work too, uplifted he was no longer alone with this. He only prayed they meet the middle tonight. He wanted to return to his usual duties as soon as possible.

"I heard about that one" Dean said seeing Twilight in Cas hands.

"It's one of most popular" Cas put it in right place. Before it was on T section.

"It got a film."

"Few others too."

Dean smiled.

"You aren't a fan of those."

"No, but I'm aware people have varied tastes..." Cas glanced at Dean. "What is yours?"

"I like Vonnegut. Cat's Cradle, Slaughterhouse-Five..." he looked at Cas. "Yeah, I read something, surprising."

"Everyone has read something. But those are... engaging novels. Not just something you read to relax at long evening or on the vacation."

"There aren't. Maybe that is why I like them. But I usually don't have time for reading. And Sam is the intellectual part of the family."

"Now I have a reason to doubt it" he looked at Dean, but he returned to his work. Cas did it too. He took another misplaced book. If you stay here. Cas put it in the right order. "There's never if you stay here, there's only for how long..." he mumbled to himself.

"Sam complained you about his life again?" Dean smirked.

"No, he didn't. It's my thought" Cas took a book from the cart and put it the right place. "I didn't unpack myself yet."

"How long have you lived here?" Dean kept going with alphabet finding a part in right order.

"Two years."

"For me and Sam it's long" he stopped. Another misplaced book.

"I stay for a couple of years in one town. One, two, once I stayed for three."

"So you're going soon?" Dean looked at him, but Cas kept his sight on books.

"No."

"Why?"

"Because of you. Every time it was just a place, now it's something more."

"You never have a friend?" Dean returned to work. To do something. To not overthinking this talk. He shouldn't ask about it. Cas' life wasn't his business.

"I had relationships of various kinds," Cas turned back and leaned at the bookshelf. "All ended too soon, too painfully."

"Finally we have something in common" Dean put the book he was holding in its place. He stood a bit too close to Cas. They nearly got to the middle.

"It's sad something bad happened to you" those blue eyes kept staring at him.

"Why?"

"You're a good man, Dean."

Dean looked away. He took another book. The first one his hand touched. No matter if it was in right or wrong order.

"We still have work to do."

They kept managing this in silence. Dean spoke up when they finished and Cas checked everything from Z to A and from A to Z if the order was correct.

"A lot is happening lately" Cas stopped and looked at him. "Dad and Sam are fighting more and more. Sammy's going to college. My family is breaking apart. There's nothing I can do more. I can't do anything. I have to stop trying. I have to just get over it."

"But you can't."

"Yeah" he looked at his friend. "You know why? Maybe that knowledge will help me."

"You're... You're the type of a fighter. You never surrender."

Dean smiled slightly.

"Maybe you're right. But I'm more bar fighter than a glorious savior."

Cas stared at him. Like he wanted to read everything Dean was failing to hide. He caught him off guard.

"Dean... Do you want to talk about it?"

"Cas..." Dean started, but then he reminds himself Charlie was in the library too. "Can we go for a walk?"

Cas checked the hour. He had ten minutes before close up, but once Charlie could manage it alone. He could finish earlier today.

 

* * *

 

"Sam got the scholarship" Dean let out when they walked out the library.

"He deserves it. You're proud of him" Cas said it carefully selecting words.

"Yes" Dean smiled, but then it faded from his face. "But I don't know what Dad is thinking. He..." Dean lowered his head. "He said some things he shouldn't. It made this whole situation worse and I..."

"You're afraid Sam won't come back."

Dean walked in silence.

"Dad's an ass, he says things he shouldn't, but he isn't all bad. He's always proud of Sam."

"Has he ever been proud of you?"

Dean looked back at his friend.

"Cas, it's... Sam is a good kid, smart, strong. I'm no good. Never smart. Weak. I'm barely taking care of my life. I was always a disappointment."

"You're not a disappointment, Dean. You've done so much for Sam. It's amazing. You're amazing. Dean... You are smart. You are strong. They wouldn't count on you if it was otherwise."

Dean looked him in the eyes, checking if, what Cas said, was true. Nearly believing him.

"They don't have another choice" he looked away. "And it doesn't matter anymore. Sam is going to college and..."

"He won't leave you behind" Cas assured him.

"He should. It would be better for him. I and Dad are a mess. He should get away from us as soon as it's possible."

"Sam won't forget about you. You're his hero. And you'll always be."

"One day he will look at me and see that all crap."

"No. He's going to look at you and see how hard you try for you two. How much you've done for him."

"I can keep saying this to myself" he looked at Cas after few minutes of silence. "I... I really appreciate your words, but..."

"Stop trying, it's not helping?" Cas ended.

"No. It's..." Dean breathed out. "I..."

"You need something else?"

"It's not like that," he said and walked in silence.

Dean turned into the park. Cas followed him quietly. He couldn't leave him. No, when he was in such state, no when he came to him. After few steps, Dean tried again to explain what he felt. How to explain everything? How to not make it look like his whining baby who didn't know how to handle its life?

"Cas... I..." he bit his lip. It was too hard to put his thoughts into words. He looked at Cas hopeless. "I need help."

 

* * *

 

Once again Sam was doing his list to pack for college. If he could, he would have packed himself already, he would have been gone already. It was still too early for it. But it will happen.

Dean walked into his room. Sam shifted in his chair. He shouldn't be thinking about those things, just...

Dean sat on his bed and looked at him.

"Maybe Dad is a shit head, but I'm your brother and I won't leave it like that. Let's go celebrate your scholarship."

"You don't have to..."

Dean stood up.

"I want to celebrate how smart brother I have. Let me, bitch."

"Shut up, jerk."

Sam smiled. He took his jacket and went with his brother.

 

* * *

 

Roadhouse was a type of place his brother would take him. But after a year living in Sioux Falls, it wasn't just a bar for them. It was home, family. There were Ellen and Jo, often Charlie or Bobby, even Benny walked in from time to time. Brothers loved this place. For the first time, Sam could feel the attachment to the place.

"You're working today?" he asked Dean when they came in.

"No. Just helping Ellen to open and then I'm free to have fun."

"I'm a good excuse?"

"If you want to think yourself like that."

"Jerk" Sam rolled his eyes.

"Bitch."

They went into and walked straight to the bar where Ellen and Jo started to cleaning. Older woman raised her eyes to them.

"Sam, I heard you'd got the scholarship. Stanford, right?"

"Yes."

"Couldn't find anything closer, kid? We'll be missing you."

"Yeah, I know..."

"Okay, Dean, help me there."

When they went out, Jo moved on to Sam.

"I want to go away too" he looked at her immediately. "What? Is it that surprising? Look, I'm a freak and a bartender. Someone to be mocked or a quick fuck. Is there any future for me?"

"You can try another job..."

"I would like to try another place."

"Guess, I'm not the one to discourage you."

"You're not."

"Ellen knows?"

"I told her once. She's still pissed off at me."

"And Dean?"

"He doesn't know."

"Yet."

"It wouldn't happen soon, so..."

Dean and Ellen returned.

"Okay, you're free," she said to older Winchester.

"Thanks, boss. Sam, wanna play pool?"

"Why not?"

"Maybe you're afraid I'll kick your ass again?"

"Like it would happen."

Ellen watched them go.

"I worried about them," she said to herself.

"Sam will manage it" Jo replied her.

"I know. But Dean... I don't want to see him here like I see his father" she said going to the bar.

"Maybe it won't happen."

"I hope."

Ellen focused on her job. She looked up incoming clients. Man and woman. She knew only her. Charlie. But that silent guy she recognized from somewhere, but couldn't match him with a name. After giving them their orders, she asked her daughter about him.

"Who is that guy sticking with Charlie?"

Jo looked backed at them.

"It's Castiel. They work together at the library. He and Dean somehow befriended."

 

* * *

 

After the first match with slight Sam win, Benny came to them.

"Hey, chief."

"Benny" Dean hugged him. "You came?"

"Yeah, I heard about your brother, so I thought, I could step in" he looked at younger Winchester. "Congratulations. Sam, it's really something."

"Yeah..." he looked away. "Maybe I leave you two" he walked away.

"He still doesn't like me?" Benny looked after him.

"It's my fault" he shifted his eyes from Sam to his friend. "You have a job? Anything will go."

"Dean... Spend some time with your brother. Later we would think of this."

"Yeah..."

He needed to do something with his hands, or alcohol in his veins, to make this last week, before Sam's college, pass.

 

* * *

 

 

Sam noticed Cas. Librarian was sitting alone with a barely touched drink, Sam couldn't imagine him ordering it. One look at the crowd explained it to him. Cas came with Charlie, who left him to chat with some girl near the bar.

Sam went to him.

"Even you're here? Thanks to this jerk half of Sioux Fall knows about my scholarship."

"Everyone's proud of you."

Sam smiled faintly.

"Well, Dad isn't... But, I'm going to leave this place" he smiled. "Finally I get away from him."

"Not only from him..."

"I know, Cas" he interrupted him.

"It's..." he looked down. "We always thought that we won't forget about our closest people, that we won't change, but after time all this happens anyway. So... Don't forget he always has back. You'll always have him."

"Yeah, I will try to remember it."

Soon Dean came to them.

"Oh, Cas, I was looking for you."

"Why?"

"Checking. I don't want to offend you, just... I was worried. You know, I drag you into a crowded place and..."

"I'm good."

Dean breathed out.

Sam noticed Jody. She smiled at him. She'd already known, he saw that pride in her eyes. People outside their family was always like this. Kind, warm... He should probably go to her.

He looked at Dean and Castiel. He could leave them by themselves. It would be better than if he stayed with them.

"I'll go to Jody," Sam said to them and left them.

Dean's gaze followed him. He should go to Jody too. But he felt too tired. But he made it this far. He could give himself a little rest.

He looked at Cas.

"Thanks for showing up," he said to him.

"I don't know why you needed me to be here..."

"I just wanted" he looked away. "It helped me get through it. Knowing I'm not all alone in this."

This Cas could understand. Sam and Dean needed this. To remind they were not alone. Or rather it wasn't anymore Sam, Dean, and Dad. Their family was bigger and it kept their backs.

"Maybe one day I will repay you" Dean sighed.

"You've already done it. What did you do for me at Roadhouse last time... No one has ever done something like this for me."

"Really? No one ever helps you?"

"Never. It wasn't that bad, I avoided situations like this, and... there wasn't really anyone in my life, before you and Sam..." Cas stopped and looked closely at his friend. "Dean... Is everything alright?"

"I just need some air...

"I'll go with you."

Dean didn't oppose to it. He needed someone's company.

"Okay, let's go for a walk."

"And Sam?"

"He can take care of himself. He does better when his big brother isn't looking."

 

* * *

 

They walked out the Roadhouse. In silence, they kept passing streets. When Cas looked back at Dean, he saw man's expression was marked with sadness.

"Dean... Are you okay?"

The man raised his eyes to his friend. He was too tired to lie. Cas was trying to read him. He was staring at him with his confused and worried gaze. Dean was curious how much he could read from tiredness of his eyes. Maybe something he didn't know he felt. He was happy, proud for sure, but also lonely and sad. Sam was leaving him. Some of those feelings were stronger so he needs to hide them when he was with his brother. But Sam wasn't there and Dean didn't need to act in front of Cas.

"Don't ask me if I'm fine. I'm not. I'm never... I need to drink."

"Dean..." Cas grabbed his shoulder. "Please, stay. Talk to me"

"Why are you here? Why are you doing everything for me?"

"You're my friend."

"You said every your relationship ended too soon, too painfully? What you expect from me?"

"Dean..."

"Cas, listen. I hurt, left, lied, betrayed many people... I always try to make Sam believe that this place, this life isn't temporary. That we will stay... But I never believed in that. I used to think "for how long I stay there", it made me do things, I regret. I thought it would make things easier, but instead, it complicated everything... I kept saying myself I'm doing everything for Sam, for Dad, for our family... Now it doesn't matter. Now it doesn't even matter if I stay or if I leave this town..."

"I will matter to me."

"You would like me to stay?"

"Yes."

"Even if I end up hurting you?"

"It will be on me then. If I make you stay."

Dean smiled.

"Let's go. Sam will think I end up drinking."

"You wanted to."

"And I found a better way to deal with my emotions. He should be proud."

"What is it?"

"Talking with you."

Cas smiled and lowered his eyes.

Dean never thought in his life about kissing a dude. Until this moment...


	6. Chapter 6

Vonnegut's Cat's Cradle. Someone had good taste. Cas raised his gaze.

Dean.

"You're always surprised when you see me" he smirked.

"You used to come here for Sam. Without him..." Cas stopped himself.

"Yeah... Well, Sam is going to California, I have to reorganize my life..." he noticed Charlie in the library. "I thought she's at home" he lowered his head to the desk.

"What happened?" usually Charlie's presence didn't bother him.

Dean looked up at him. Then he glanced once more at her. She noticed them. She walked in their direction. Maybe he still had a chance. Maybe he still could run away. He stood up, took a book and...

Too late.

"Dean? Already running away?" she smiled.

"I needed to go home sooner."

She ran her gaze down.

"You will tell us a bedtime story?" she said noticing book between him and Castiel.

"I can't do something for myself?"

"You can. I'm just curious," she raised her eyes to him." Don't forget about tonight" she added as she returned to work.

"How could I forget" he murmured trying to keep a smile on his face. When she was far enough, he turned to Cas and sighed. "I don't know how I'm going to survive tonight."

"What's happening?"

"Charlie... We're having a bonfire tonight. Only me, Sam, her and Jo. I know, I should spend more time with my brother. I just want to get used to... you know, not having him around."

"You should go," Cas said.

"I know," Dean looked him in the eyes. "I know, Cas. It's just..." he put his gaze down.

You don't have to feel guilty, Cas wanted to tell him and would really mean it. He could see Dean as well as he felt proud and happy cause Sam's college, he also felt lonely, abandoned. There was nothing wrong in feeling this, but he forced himself to show only good emotion. To give Sam everything he deserved. When will Dean get what he deserves?

Cas chose other words. Maybe it was a poor decision.

"I'll go with you."

"Really?" Dean looked at him first with surprise in his eyes, then with shy happiness. "You don't have to force yourself into a social situation and..."

"I don't mind stepping into a social situation with you."

Cas would do anything to see this happy expression on Dean's face.

 

* * *

 

 

Dean stayed at the library till the end of Cas' shift. Charlie got out sooner, but they didn't mind gaining some minutes of being alone.

After Cas closed the library, they got to Dean's car. His baby was waiting for them near the main entrance.

The librarian would never get enough of Dean's expression when he finally sat in his car on the driver seat. He was radiant and free. It was the only moment when he didn't repressed himself.

"Where are we going?" Cas asked when he sat at the shotgun.

"You're afraid I kidnap you" Dean laughed. Cas smiled. He didn't have anything against it. "First we take Sam, then we go to Jody's hut."

"She's sheriff, right?"

"Yeah, and our friend."

"You have many friends."

"Just some here and there." green eyes looked out the road to catch blue ones. "You're one of them."

 

* * *

 

 

They got to the hut in an hour. Charlie and Jo had been already there.

"Didn't know we can bring company?" the blonde said.

"The more, the better" Charlie ended it. "I didn't know you'll come."

"We kidnapped him," Dean said grinning.

"Oh. Okay."

"Winchester," Jo called Dean, "you will help us with fire or we should take care of it?"

"I'm going" he left.

Cas stepped back to Sam.

"I'm not welcome here?"

"What? You are welcome. They just can't get away without teasing each other" he looked at them. "Just... Stay with me, okay?" he looked into blue eyes for a moment.

"Okay."

Cas followed him. He smiled slightly when no one was looking. Brothers were so alike.

 

* * *

 

After starting the fire and fooling around with Jo, Dean returned to his brother and friends. Sam was chit-chatting with Charlie. Nerds never stop their nerding.

Cas was keeping distance.

Dean sat by him.

"You ain't a social person."

"Or maybe I'm social but quiet?"

"You know yourself better. So, you don't want anyone to talk with you?"

"I don't mind talking with you."

"I'm flatter. So, why you're social but quiet?"

"I'm not the best with people. Rarely anything good happens. I... I minimized chances to do the same mistakes again."

"Mistakes? Such as?" Dean smirked. "Sex, drugs, rock'n'roll?"

"Something like this" Cas smiled slightly.

"And I thought you're a good boy."

"Maybe I met bad people?" Dean tensed hearing this. Cas corrected himself. "They weren't bad. They... They didn't follow rules. I liked it then."

"And now?"

"It was easy to make mistakes. To cross the wrong line and..."

"You're not proud of what you've done?"

"And afraid of doing some of those again..." he looked away.

"Is it bad that I'm curious?"

"No. I... "Cas lowered his gaze. "I was curious about you too."

"Is there anything you wanted to know more about me?"

Cas wanted to ask tons of question. But he didn't know if he had the right to want answers to them, so he just replied:

"Nothing comes to my mind now. And you? What question do you want to ask?"

"Let's explore your bad boy side" Dean raised to sit. "Did you really do something bad? Really really bad?"

"Such as?" Cas asked mimicking Dean.

"Killing someone" man said with a smile.

"No."

"Stealing something?"

"Specify."

"Stealing something worth more than... a thousand?"

"No."

"You're not that bad."

"Keep trying."

"Okay. So... Breaking someone's bone in a fight?"

"... No."

"You ain't sure?"

"I had to recall one brawl."

"So you have fought? You don't look like that."

"Only once or twice. It's not my thing."

"Doing drugs?"

Cas shivered.

"Sorry," Dean said. Cas reaction was enough. "You can try me, now."

"Have you stolen something worth more than a thousand?"

"Be more creative. And no. Unless someone would count worth of every thing I've stolen, but probably still no. It was only small things. We didn't always make ends met."

"Breaking someone's bone in a fight?" Cas skipped to the next question.

"You won't ask me if I kill someone?" Dean smirked. "Don't worry, I didn't. But I have broken some bones."

"Drugs?"

"Never. But..." he loudened his voice so his brother could hear them. "Sam smoked some joints."

"It happened once!" younger Winchester reacted immediately.

"Hey, keep saying this to yourself, you rebel" he smirked. "Okay, it's time to make something to eat" he stood up, but he didn't walk away. He said quietly to Cas. "Cas... Your life wasn't easy, right? If you ever feel you want to tell someone about it, I can listen. And... You know, if you ended with it, there is nothing to not be proud about. Everyone has ups and downs."

Cas never thought about his own past. He was always running away from it, avoiding it, pushing it away. But all that happens to leave a scar on us. Even if we threw it out of our head, it stays in our heart. And one day it will remind itself.

 

* * *

 

They spent rest of the evening like this: sitting around a bonfire, talking about everything. Cas never felt so relaxed and open. He even moved closer to others. And it wasn't an effect of beer he was drinking. There was something in with being with those two.

He felt like he belongs here. Like he was a part of the family.

Emotions can be irrational.

"Why law?" Cas asked Sam.

"Just something to run away from here" he watched if Dean wasn't too close to hear it. "I just wanted to go to college."

"What are you talking about?" Dean came to them.

"Future plans, dreams" Sam answered.

"Oh, remember, when I want to be a wrestler?"

"Yeah, Dad took us too many times in childhood

"But when I tried it, I was good at it."

"Yes, you were."

"Why did you stop then?" Cas asked.

Brothers looked at him. Dean spoke up.

"We moved out" Dean cut the discussion and changed the subject: "What about you Cas? Your future plans?"

"I don't know. I like my actual job. Never everything matches ideally, so I'm just pleased with what I have now. For now, staying here."

"For now?"

"You are not the only ones thinking about running away."

 

* * *

 

Charlie stood up to stretch out. She yawned.

"Guys, maybe we should go. It's going late."

Jo stood up to her.

"Cas, you need a lift?" blonde proposed.

Dean spoke up first.

"We'll drive him if he wants to stay longer..." he looked at him.

"I'll stay."

"Okay. Goodnight, guys" she and Jo walked to Charlie's car.

"Finally they're gone" Dean sighed. Then they both laughed.

 

* * *

 

Cas looked aside to Sam who was silent for the last couple of moments.

"He's asleep?"

Dean leaned to his brother. Gently touched him. Smiled. He returned to Cas.

"Yeah, we ain't interesting for him" he joked.

"It's late, maybe we should..."

"We can stay for a night at the hut. If you're okay with it...?" Cas nodded. "Good. Cause I'm still awake here" he smiled. He looked at his brother. "It's hard to time for him. First studying every minute, then writing those exams, waiting for scores, and now planning moving out alone... I'll go for a blanket" Dean stood up. He went to hut and returned after few minutes.

Cas watched him as he gently covered his brother with a blanket. How long has he been doing this? Watching over his little brother? Making everything good?

How many shades of him did Cas saw? Dean kept showing him more and more. Maybe he wasn't used to someone's watching. He deserved attention.

Dean sat, this time nearer to Cas.

"You don't want to come home."

"You're right" Dean looked at his friend. "I know I can't make it forever, but I..."

"We can stay here for a night," Cas said looking into his eyes.

"Right," Dean smiled to himself. He looked at his brother again like he needed confirmation everything was good with him. "You know," Dean started, "I had many crazy ideas for my life."

"Like what?"

"You're interested in this?"

I'm always interested in you, he thought but waited for Dean spoke up.

"For example, I wanted to be a rock star."

"Really?"

"Yeah, but you know, it turns out I'm shy. Weird."

"Maybe it doesn't suit your usual way of being."

"Probably..." he took his unfinished beer he'd left when he'd gone for the blanket. "And you, Cas? Any dreams never to come true?"

You, he thought first. But he had many dreams. Too many. Everyone kept saying this to him. He should dream less, do more.

"I wanted to be a writer."

"You ever tried to write something?"

"Yes."

"And?"

"I couldn't find a good ending. And, after all, the story wasn't good."

"Nah, I bet it was amazing"

"You haven't read it."

"No, but I'm good at betting."

Cas smiled. He looked back at Dean...

Dean was watching his lips. Cas could saw moment he get stuck in his thought because of them. It had to be his imagination, but... Dean raised his eyes. They kept quiet. Only looking into each other's eyes. Unsure. They were panting.

"Ever wanted to do something stupid?" Cas hardly heard it over beating of his heart.

I want to kiss you, he thought. Right now, here, when golden fire reflect in your green eyes when no one is looking and it's just us.

"Yes," Cas whispered. It was stupid. His whole dream about Dean and him was stupid. "And you?"

"Many times" he swallowed. "Can you promise me something? Forget this night"

Dean leaned forward to him. He kissed him. Gently. His lips were so soft. They let themselves for this one, short kiss. After it, they were still close, but they only staring each other. They were silent. Both of them couldn't believe what happened. Cas was sitting paralyzed. Right now, it was all his dream, right? It couldn't...? But those green eyes were so close to him. This lips... He could kiss him back. He could. He didn't.

Dean moved away. He turned his gaze away. He was going further and further from Cas. No one could do anything about it. It was too early, too soon. They didn't make their minds about many things.

Dean poked his brother.

"Sammy, wake up. You're too big to be carried to bed."

Sam murmured something. Dean stood up and went for walk. He and Cas needed to cool off. They shouldn't have done it.

 

* * *

 

Dean returned to the hut after long wandering around. Everyone should be asleep now. He could sneak in.

Cas was sitting on the stairs to the hut.

"Shit," Dean cursed. That was the end of his master plan. He had to improvise. He approached Cas. He spoke to him "You can't sleep?"

"I couldn't."

"Cas, sorry about that."

"It wasn't bad."

Dean smirked, "I'm a great kisser."

"Yes, you are."

"So not crying over lost first kiss?"

"It wasn't first."

"Like I said before, I know nothing about you. I'm just getting more and more curious" he smirked.

"Dean... Do you remember when I said my first crush did not end?" he looked at Dean's eyes.

"Shit, sorry, you're..."

"No, it..." You're my first crush, Cas hesitated to say it. He blurted out something else. "Nevermind. It ended." He could say goodbye to his _dreamed man_ , Dean Winchester was right in front of him.

"Really?" Dean looked him into eyes. "It isn’t a good idea to risk everything for one guy, you know."

"I know."

"Cas, I..." Dean tensed unable to laugh it off. "Cas... I pass. Sorry. I don't swing that way. Well, not usually."

Like that he crushed everything in Cas life.

"Let's just forget about it" Dean added.

But Cas had never forgotten about it.

 

* * *

 

Cas couldn't sleep. He couldn't bring himself to dream after what they did. His dreams would be greedy. He wanted to be, but... Those weren't things he could ever get. He didn't want to see them in dreams and then waking up from it.

He lied down in bed waiting for morning. When his room became bright, he got up. He didn't have any idea which hour it could be. He walked out the room. Wondering around seemed better than laying in bed.

Sam was sitting in the kitchen. He raised his head when he heard footsteps.

"Oh, hi. Do you want coffee?" he asked Cas.

"Yes," he watched as young Winchester raised and went to the kitchen cabinets. "Something bothers you?" he asked noticing nervousness in his movements.

"Dean" Sam sighed and prepared coffee in silence. He spoke up again when he passed a cup to Cas. "You know what our biggest fear is?" he sat in his previous place. "Mine and Dean's? To become like Dad. And if I go to college, Dean might go straight forward this state... Cas, can you..." Sam raised his gaze at him. "Can you keep an eye on him? When I'll be gone?"

"Of course."

After it came only silence. They kept their focus on their coffees. Till they heard Dean's loud swearing.

Sam smiled.

"You...?" Cas asked. He didn't need an answer. He smiled too. "My brothers pranked me too."

"It's a never-ending war between brothers."

 

* * *

 

Dean and Cas didn't talk much. It doesn't matter. After this weekend nothing could be like it was before. Whatever they kept in their minds, they had let out too much of it. They had uncovered too much about themselves. Good and bad, honorable and ugly. And they didn't hate it.

At Sunday evening, when Cas returned home, he took his life into his hands. He tried one more time. Word by word, sentence by sentence, page by page. He wanted to write his novel to its end. He wanted to show it to Dean. To reach him at least this way.

And there was one more thing he needed to do. He pushed it away because of writing, but it kept distracting him. He was thinking about it for the whole trip.

Cas saved his progress in the novel. He walked away from the laptop with a cell phone in his hand. Even by an impulse, some things are difficult. Especially if they need interaction with other people.

He had to do this. He wanted to do this.

Cas chose the number and called his brother.

 

* * *

 

"So, you're packed?" Charlie asked sitting on Sam's bed.

"Yeah" he looked through the room which used to be his for last year. He had everything he could need.

"You could ask for help."

"Charlie, after all those years, we became masters of moving out and packing. Only thing Dad taught us."

"Speaking of which, where is he?" she looked at brothers.

"Don't know. He doesn't want me around anymore, so..." Sam started but stopped seeing Dean's expression. "Maybe he still has time to show up."

"We ain't experts of farewells" Dean spoke up.

"It's strange. If you move out so many times, you..."

"We just pack and go. Without saying anything to anyone."

"Oh... Well, you aren't him. You can learn how to say goodbye."

"Or how to stay somewhere for longer than a couple of weeks."

"Here, you spent a whole year and..."

"Thanks to Dean. He fought it. Dad never..."

"Can we stop talking about him?" Dean interrupted them. "You two ain't his fans, I get it. There's no need to scratch everything he's done or hasn't done."

"Sorry."

Dean left them.

"Charlie," Sam said to her, "don't let him do anything stupid."

"Like ruining his life?"

"Yeah..."

"I'll try. It will be lonely without you."

"I'll be coming back as much as I can..."

She hugged him.

He was leaving so much here. Not only bad things. Not only Dad and his crap. Guess, this is what is happening when you stay somewhere too long. You get attached to people, to places, to everything.

But he didn't change his mind. It was his decision to move on. To start his own life. And he won't give it up easily.


	7. Chapter 7

It happened.

Sam left for college.

Dean could get himself together after it. He was either at work or at a bar. He tried to manage his life, but without Sam, he just couldn't. And everyone was seeing clearly his defeat.

"How many times have I've seen you here, since Sam's left, kid?" Ellen leaned toward him.

"Many?" Dean tried to smirk.

She sighed.

"At least Dad is in better shape" he laughed, but Ellen wasn't in the mood.

She walked away. When she met her daughter, she threw to her:

"Jo, talk to him. I can't."

The girl looked at her redhead friend.

"Guess we have to take care of him," Charlie said.

He didn't look well. Drinking instead of sleeping and eating enough didn't put the best from him. He looked exhausted. Empty. Like something was cut off his chest. That is how parents look like when their child goes to college? Maybe. Charlie would never know it.

Girls walked to him. Charlie sat on his right side, Jo on left.

"What's up?" redhead started.

"Peachy" he took a sip.

"Oh... You know I thought you might come by for..." she tried to talk it through, but he interrupted her.

"I pass, Charlie."

"And what? That's how is going to look like rest of your life?" he was messing up with the wrong girl. "Drinking and whining after lost brother? Sam is not lost. He just went to college..."

"Charlie..." Jo quieted her. She moved closer to Dean. After a moment of hesitation, she put her head on his shoulder. "You know, you're not alone... You have us."

"And Cas" Charlie added.

"Yeah..." Dean continued drinking. He was crap. He didn't want to throw it on anyone. Not on Cas. He had nothing to offer him. Only some messing around trying to be friends. Cas deserved better than this. And probably wanted more than this.

Maybe even Dean wanted more from their relationship. After too many shots and only theoretically he could consider it.

But it wasn't something within his reach. It wasn't something possible.

He couldn't...

And for sure, he can't pull it through.

He never gave anyone happiness.

 

* * *

 

Dean woke up with a massive headache. Nothing out from his everyday life. Bright light hurt his eyes. It had to be late. Bobby wouldn't fire him only because of it, but he might grumble knowing a reason behind it. Like everyone around.

They should fuck off.

Dean forced himself to get up. He had to go to work. He liked it and didn't want to lose it.

He went to the kitchen for anything to tone down his dry throat. Dad was there. So it wasn't as late as he thought first.

"You passed out. Second time this week. Girls brought you here" John told him between sips of coffee. Dean lowered his head. "And I thought you're not that kind of drinker."

"Guess it runs in family."

John clenched his jaw. It wasn't a good idea to piss him off.

"Sam left. Move on."

"Yes, sir" Dean murmured taking water from the fridge. He glanced at the clock. He wasn't late yet for work. Maybe if he tried life wouldn't be that hard and shitty.

 

* * *

 

Dean was feeling like an idiot. How could he think it would be a good idea? It was the worst idea. Trying to stay sober in his state. Although, he was trying to do it. Why? To have clear conscience when Sam call him, ask if he drank and Dean would answer not lately?

He had to make this through the next day. But why this way? Alcohol would help...

He had to find another way.

Nothing other than one thing came to his mind. It wasn't a good idea either. He should back off, not walking towards the library, towards Cas. He shouldn't just throw his life on him. But Dean didn't have anywhere else to go. He kept wondering to the library.

All those feelings disappeared when he saw Cas. He missed him. He missed him too much. More than he should.

Cas smiled when he noticed him. He was so radiant with only slight smile and sparkle in deep eyes.

Can't you see how broken I am? You don't see this all crap? Dean thought while looking at him.

"Dean?"

"You're that surprised seeing me?" he smirked, but he was also surprised he made it to the library. It was a stupid idea. But he wanted to be here. And it was all that matters. "I just wanted to return this" he passed him a book.

"Do you want to borrow something next?"

"Don't know if I have time to read it..."

"Maybe you'll find some."

"Okay. Wait a moment" he walked away. He wanted to read one novel. He remembered it was on the shelf near which Sam was often sitting. It was always so close, within reach.

He found it.

Dean returned to Cas with a smile and a book. He passed it to him. Librarian looked at it.

On the road, Jack Kerouac.

"Do I still have good taste?" Dean asked smirking.

"Still" librarian checked it on his library card and gave him book back.

Dean took it. But he didn't want to leave so soon. Was it so wrong to want something and not giving anything in return? He wanted just to be with someone for a bit longer, to talk, to fool around. Without whole drama crap about Sam or Dad. And Cas was giving this to him. Even more than this.

"You're closing soon, right?"

Cas checked hour. Five after eight. He should be already closing.

"Because of you, I get used to staying overwork. It isn't anything bad. I like being here. It's quiet. Peaceful. But not so lonely as my apartment. Here I feel safe..."

"For me and Sam it was safe heaven too" they looked at each other. "Thank you, for keeping this place for us."

I'll do anything for you, Cas thought looking at him. But... He couldn't say this. He couldn't get as close as he wanted to. But he could be Dean's friend. It was enough. More than enough. He never thought he could get this close to someone like him. And now... He became greedy.

"Help you with closing?"

"I can do this by myself."

"... And after it, do you want to go for a walk?"

"Today is a bit too cold for this."

"There's a coffee shop around the corner."

"This I can accept" Cas smiled. He took his trench coat and keys.

 

* * *

 

"What are you doing lately?" Dean asked when they sat with their cappuccinos.

"Trying to catch my dreams again."

"Writing?" he took a sip of his coffee.

"Yes... Thanks to you and Sam I get some courage to try again."

"So? What are you writing about?"

"Dean."

"What? I won't laugh. I promise."

"It's about an angel..."

"Didn't know you're a religious freak."

"And you're already laughing."

"It's my charm."

Cas smiled. Usually speaking about his ideas was painful. Not physically, but with every word he wanted to hide, silence himself. But now he felt lighter than other times. Green gentle eyes were encouraging him. They were curious. So he kept trying to tell Dean a story which never made sense on a paper:

"In heaven, everyone has its own place. Even angels. Every of them has space where they can rest... One of them would like to never leave his, but from time to time he has to go on earth, he has his mission. He started to observe humans more and more. And... He felt lonely in heaven... That's all I've figured by now."

"He'll keep returning to heaven after he felt lonely?"

"I was planning to make him unable to go there, so he'll stay with humans longer and begin to feel things..."

"Why he can't return?"

"Dean, I don't know..." Cas smiled.

"So, let's think about it. If you let me...?"

"I'm stuck with this from two years. Probably I need help."

"Okay. So. Maybe he messed up something. He did something wrong? Or for the wrong person?"

"Angels don't help. They are warriors..."

"Maybe he doesn't know it? Or want to help otherwise?"

"Why?"

"Like I said, he messed up something. He thought his job was... I don't know, let's pretend - saving someone. He stayed with that person for a little too long and get attached. He made one more thing, one more, more and more. And like that he couldn't return to what he was at the beginning... Sounds any good?"

Cas watched Dean with stars in his eyes. He yearned for every word from him.

"I should ask you for help with writing more often."

"I got too worked in. I know... My mom used to say angels are watching over you for good night. Maybe that makes me biased... Cas, I... I don't believe in those. God and whatever other connection with it. There's no greater good, bad or any kind of fate. Great God's plan or whatsoever. There is only random evil which happens to people no matter what life they've passed... But if there is something. Not even God, but something more powerful than us, maybe it isn't indifferent to people. Just a thought."

"Your mother... Sam told me she died."

"He didn't remember her, he was too young."

"But you remember her."

"Too well. Dad talked about her a lot. Now he... we don't talk about her."

"Why?"

"Maybe we want to move on."

"Is it really what you want?"

"It isn't what we're doing. I don't know if we... if I want to move on."

"Mourning is a weird thing. Never turns what you want it to. You want to let your beloved rest in peace, but you can't. You want to feel free from someone, but you can't."

Dean looked at him. What did he mean...?

"Part of her will always be with you. For all good and bad" Cas added.

"I know. I believe more in her than in angels to protect me and my little brother. If there is anything to protect us."

"You always have each other."

Dean smiled slightly.

 

* * *

 

Cas didn't expect to see Dean again. He dreamt about it, but he didn't think it would become reality. It was more likely for them to stay away to avoid awkwardness and misunderstandings. Dean had chosen otherwise. And Cas couldn't stop thinking about this. He couldn't even wait till he shows again in the library. He went to Roadhouse.

"Cas?" Jo, who was apparently barmaid this evening, noticed him. "You're lucky. It's Dean's shift. I go for him."

"Thank you."

Soon Dean showed up.

"Hi, Cas. What you're doing here?"

"I... I didn't have other plans for the evening."

"Hope you'll have a good time."

"Dean! You're working or what?" Ellen called him.

"Sorry, Cas. Busy shift."

"I didn't expect more than few words."

"Don't lower your expectations. Have fun."

He left them. Jo turned her gaze to Castiel. She noticed that heart eyes. She knew what it means.

"There's really something between you two" she smiled watching him with increasing interest.

"We're friends..."

"More than this" she stared into his eyes for a minute in silence. Then she sighed. "I know how it is" she glanced if Dean was far enough from them. "You see, he was my crush. He's a great guy. Handsome. But it was always wrong place, wrong time... Or maybe I didn't take my chance. Don't make the same mistake" she smiled. "So, what's your poison?"

"I'll better go home."

"As you like."

Cas looked at Dean once more. At least he got a chance to see him. It wasn't bad.

He went out the bar. The night wasn't as freezing as when he walked with Dean to the coffee shop. Still, October was ending and the season of family celebrations was starting. Thanksgiving, Christmas. He could see the trace of them in every shop window. His family usually limited at some phone calls which he usually didn't pick up or someone could drop by. This year could be different. Due to the Winchesters and their view on the family, he renewed his connection with his. He started to pick up the calls.

Or maybe it wouldn't change a thing.

Cas heard someone's rapid footsteps. He looked back.

Dean.

"Cas, wait," he ran to him. "You go out without saying anything?"

"I don't want to disturb your work..."

"You're not. Ellen always complaints I'm overworking myself. It was easy to get off sooner sometimes... Everything's okay?"

"Yes," just I love you more than it's possible.

"Okay, then... Can we go for a walk? I... I kinda want to talk."

"Of course."

Dean moved first. Cas followed him. They were talking laughing like they used to do. It was so comfortable, easy, too easy. Too easy to make the wrong step. And finally, Cas slipped.

"Tonight you're talking much about your brother, but nothing about yourself."

"And? He's now in the centre of attention."

"He's not."

"You know... Sam is someone to be proud of and..."

"And you're not?"

"I'm no good. Never good enough. I..."

"You've done so much for your family. You are a hero."

"You know only what Sam told you."

"I'm seeing you by his eyes? Maybe you're right. But by whose eyes you're looking at yourself?"

"What?"

"You're always talking lowly about yourself which isn't even close to the truth, you're..."

"Get off me."

"Dean..."

It was too late. No word could catch him. Cas had to wait. Maybe Dean will come back to him again.

Or maybe it was asking for too much from life.

 

* * *

 

Dean returned home. It was stupid to argue with Cas, but... Why could this man touch most vulnerable places of Dean? It was terrifying. Even though he knew Cas wouldn't hurt him. He could just surrender, get over it.

He could always apologize. Or do anything to end this fight.

Tomorrow, he noted in his head. Now it was too late and too emotional for it.

Lost in thoughts he almost didn't notice bag in the hallway. Dean looked questioning at Dad.

"You're going somewhere?"

"I thought about moving out" John left the bag and looked at his son.

"Why?"

Dad never had sufficient answers.

Dean clenched hand behind his back into a fist. No. Everything in him was screaming. He already lost Sam. He didn't want to lose Dad, but... He wanted to stay here. With Bobby, Ellen, Jo, Jody, Benny, Charlie... Cas... He started having a life he wanted.

"I'm not going. Not anymore."

"As you like. Don't whine if I leave you behind" Dad returned to packing.

"I won't," Dean said and then it hit him. "You fear that if we stay somewhere too long, something bad will happen like mom died?" John stopped his moves. "Maybe. Who knows. But we can't be running away all our life. I can't. I was here for Sam. You were always running away, drinking away your problems. I did my best to give Sam life he deserved. And I'm the one whining?"

Dean never stood up his father. Never till this time. He couldn't lose those people. He had to fight, he wanted to fight for them, for this life. He really wanted to stay here.

John looked at him.

Dean trembled.

"I'm sorry" he corrected himself staring at the floor.

"I'd better never heard that again."

"Yes, sir. I... I'll go cool off" he headed out the home. Anywhere but not here.


	8. Chapter 8

Dean wandered through the city. He regretted storming out. It was so hard to come back. And all he could think about was how he felt every time Sam had done it, how bad it was.

Dean shouldn't have left Dad alone. It wasn't right. He had decided to stay with him and now he fucked it up.

Maybe it wasn't that wrong? That he didn't want any longer feel like object which can be moved from one place to another? Or maybe it was. He exaggerated. Dad knew better. He always knew better.

Whether it was wrong or not, he got out home. Where could he go? Everyone will ask what happened. He could go to a bar, hook up someone, spend a night like this, but he wasn't in the mood for it.

One person won't ask. Or rather let him get away without an answer.

Dean came to Cas. He had nowhere else to go. So again he showed up in the middle of the night asking for support he doesn't deserve. And again Cas opened his doors for him.

Seeing him, Dean noticed how stupid idea it was.

Just slam this fucking doors, say you don't want me either.

"Can I come in?" Dean asked.

"Of course" Cas let him go inside. "Is everything alright?"

He was so worried. He cared.

Don't be so good to me, I don't deserve it, don't look at me like I'm important, why are you like this, why, I can't repay you.

"Yeah. Just wanted to talk" he didn't want to make him more worried. "Is it wrong? Showing up in your doors after midnight and..."

Cas closed the door and looked at him:

"You're always welcome here."

"You're too good" it escaped Dean's thoughts.

Cas wasn't surprised, didn't look weird at him. He didn't question honey-like tone in Dean's voice. He smiled.

"You deserve it."

"Really? Look at me. I screw up everything I touch, I... I can't do anything right. Look at me. Are you really thinking I deserve anything? It would be a damn miracle if fate gives me anything good" but it's already given me you, he stopped it in his thoughts. He was afraid his eyes were telling this Cas.

"You deserve good, Dean," you deserve everything good in this world, Cas thought. "Are you hungry, I can make you something..."

"No, it's okay" Dean sat on the sofa. It was too much for him.

"You wanted to talk," Cas sat next to him.

"Oh, right. Maybe not so literally. I... I needed a place to stay for a moment. Wandering outside didn't do any good for me."

"You can stay as long as you want."

"Just tonight. I'll figure out what to do and..."

"What happened?"

"Dad wanted to move out. I didn't take it well."

"Maybe we should really try to talk. Without secrets, lies or half-truth, this one time."

"You don't believe I can be truthful?" Dean smirked.

"I believe you have a tendency to silence things."

"Such as?"

"You would be mad if I voiced it."

"And who spoke about talking without secrets et cetera" Dean looked into his eyes. "One day you will have to tell me. Better now than later in the middle of arguing. So, what I have a tendency to hide?"

"Your emotions, your opinions, your dreams."

"You didn't say your father, I'm slightly disappointed."

"I'm not that short-sighted. There is a lot more than him that brings you down."

"And you want to free me from that burden?" Dean laughed off.

Cas looked at him closely.

"I don't know how to do this. Maybe it can't be undone."

"I'll be broken forever?"

"You're not broken. Nor sick. You were hurt so many times in your life, but you're still trying so hard, you're still fighting..."

"You said once I'm a fighter" Dean smirked.

"Yes, you are."

There was so much emotion in Cas eyes, Dean turned away his gaze. He shifted to change his position. Slightly further from him.

"I shouldn't have left Dad alone."

"Maybe a bit of space would help you two?"

"You don't..." he looked at his friend. Maybe, after all, he could understand. "After Mom died, Dad was a mess. He can't be alone. It..."

"It doesn't mean it is your responsibility."

"It's my family. It is my responsibility."

"Why a kid is a force to take responsibility of adults?"

"To keep his family together."

"What is the point of keeping together something that is breaking apart in every way?"

"None. Just a kid who doesn't want to be alone."

"He could find friends. Make them his new family."

"And one day they would leave him? He doesn't want to be alone."

"Family wouldn't leave him?"

"No. It's..." Dean stopped. He holds his breath. If Dad took off, he was left alone. Maybe if he goes home now, he will...

And if Dad took off already, he would lose everything this way. If Dean stays, he will have Cas. It was more than he could ask for.

"Everything seems so easy if you say it. But when I return home, return to my life, everything will return to its rules. Outside and with you are different. There are other rules..."

"It only matters by which you want to live."

"If it was so easy..."

"It isn't. The right to choose is terrifying. But people have it. Even if they prefer to think they don't."

"What I would tell Sam?"

"Truth."

"That I fucked up?"

"No. That you wanted to stay here, where are your friends. It's understandable you want to stay."

"Dad doesn't understand it. Rather he doesn't try to..."

"And what would Sam do? He would try to understand you or...?"

"He will understand. I think."

"So, do I."

"Cas, how's your family? You dragged everything out from me. But you never talk yours..."

"I don't like to talk about it, but if it would make you feel better..."

"It will."

"Okay," Cas raised from the sofa and went to the kitchen. "Would you want anything to drink?"

"With alcohol?"

"Yes," Cas took a bottle of whiskey and two glasses.

"You don't want to be a good boy, do you?" Dean smirked.

"You wanted to talk about my family. That way it will be easier. It is a subject I don't like to think about" he passed him one of the glasses.

"Everyone is different" he took it from him.

"You won't tell me how important family is?" Cas raised his brew.

"My way of thinking is sick. It would be better if I could leave them behind."

Cas opened the bottle and poured them. After a third round and bringing another bottle he started to talk.

"Father left us. My older brothers remember him, I don't. Mother..." he refilled his glass. "She had to take care of everything. It made her cold, controlling, strict... I understand it. I tried to obey, to not make any more problems... I couldn't" he drank to the bottom his whiskey. "Sooner or later every one of us rebel. Every one of us ran away. Besides the oldest, Michael. He stayed with mother. He became like her" Cas refilled their glasses. "None of our families are a role model."

Dean stayed quiet. He felt Cas' story didn't end here.

"I tried to run away as far as I could from my family," Cas continued. "I wouldn't say I fell into bad company. I sticked up to different people. They were rather unconventional than bad. I... When I started doing drugs, life felt like flowing, constant dreaming. Everything was so calm and safe..." he poured himself another round. "It started to get worse in between. I changed surroundings and made myself clean. I left that part of me behind. I hadn't ever think about it."

"Until I started asking, "Dean spoke up. "I forced you to recall all crap you felt."

"But it's purifying. Slowly, little painfully... But after I feel better and better."

"Talking helps sometimes like you said."

"Yeah. Maybe that's it," Cas refilled their glasses.

"Okay," Dean moved closer to Cas. "I know, you had your bad boy phase, whatever. You have any tattoos?"

"One."

"Where?"

"Under ribs on the left side. Just some inscription."

"All tattoos are sexy."

"I don't know..." but Dean kept staring at the place where it should be. Maybe Cas was drunker than he thought, he pulled his shirt a bit up to show it to him.

Dean forced himself to shut his mouth. He got distracted by hip bones, soft flat abdomen. Above it, around lowest ribs, was the tattoo, an inscription. Dean wanted to read it, but it wasn't even in an alphabet he knows.

"What language is it?"

"Enochian. Believed to be angels' language."

"Angels? Like ones in your novel? Hm... It means something?"

"It's warding spell. It protects me from being found."

"By who?" Dean looked up at Cas.

"Anyone."

"You don't want to be found?"

"No."

"Even by for friends?"

"I don't have..."

"What about me?"

Cas stared at him.

"What?" Dean smiled. "You're counting my freckles or what?"

"You're so beautiful."

"And you're drunk. Come on. I'll take you to bed" Dean stood up. He needed a moment to catch balance, but he manage it. Cas stretched his arms to him. "Come on, big boy. It's few steps" Dean said pulling him up.

When they were walking to the bedroom, he tried not to think about what Cas had said.

Dean failed.

He knew he was rather good looking. He heard his "handsome" or "nice", but no one ever called him "beautiful". It felt weird.

He put Cas on the bed. It was time to go back. In the living room was a really comfy sofa, so...

Dean fell on the bed.

"Dean?"

"What?"

"You kissed me once."

"Yeah."

"I want to kiss you back."

"It isn't what friends do."

"We're no good in being friends."

"We ain't... Do it then."

"What?"

"Try me. We will see how I react."

"You don't know?"

"You're afraid of it?"

"Yes," Cas said after a long pause.

"Why?"

"I'm afraid you might hate me after it."

"I won't."

Dean didn't know why he tried to encourage him. They shouldn't... But he remembered how good it felt that night. Maybe it wasn't anything bad...

They shouldn't.

But Dean was drunk enough to try it.

"I don't want it," Cas said suddenly. "I don't want anything that may make you hate yourself."

"Why?"

"I want to see you happy. More than anything."

"Why?"

"You mean so much to me."

"You mean much to me too. I don't want to lose you like I lost Robin. I need you. Can I feel like this?"

"Yes, you can."

 

* * *

 

 

"Mornin' love birds."

Dean woke up hearing this. He rose up quick, too quick. A headache brought him lower. Bright morning light didn't help to figure out the situation he woke in. He looked at the intruder. Small guy, he was seeing for the first time. Then he looked where he was.

Shit.

He passed out on Cas bed. With Cas. It was a good start of a day. And whoever the intruder was, he saw enough to overthink this.

Cas raised slowly. He didn't worry about the third person. He sat and wiped his eyes.

"Gabriel," Cas sighed, "You couldn't call before you show up?"

"You never pick up anyway. Okay, say goodbye to your little friend. We need to talk."

"Can you leave us for a moment?"

Gabriel rolled his eyes.

"I'll make coffee. You want one too, brother?"

"Yes, thank you. Try not to use all sugar in my home."

"Your fault you don't have it enough."

He left them, then Cas spoke to Dean. Like nothing was wrong in waking up in the same bed and being seen like this by his brother.

"I'm sorry for this. It's... He's my brother. Gabriel."

"I get it. Family. Will he...? He won't think anything weird about it?" Dean pointed out them.

"He always thinks what he wants and usually he picks the most sexualise scenario. But he won't bother you."

"Okay..."

"I'm sorry morning was so unpleasant."

"You didn't expect him. Neither me. I came to you in the middle of the night and you've given me more than I could ask. You don't need to apologize.”

Cas smiled. He didn't want to get up. Like a cat, he needs some time to roll on the bed in the sunshine.

Dean got up and dressed in yesterday clothes. Fortunately, he didn't have work this day. His thoughts tried to put everything in order. Last evening... He needed to go home.

Cas got up to walk him to the door.

"Don't worry. Dearest brother won't let me stay enough to bother you" Gabriel said with a smile.

Cas closed the door after Dean.

"So your McDreamy finally notice you?" Gabe asked taking a sip of his coffee.

"We're friends."

"Who accidentally passed out together? Not fully clothed?"

"Nothing happened. We got drunk," Cas took his coffee. He needed it to survive through any morning.

"Ending together drunk always brings people to something."

"Maybe we are not like the people you know. You came to nag me to the family Thanksgiving?"

"Hell no, you know I can't stand them too. Especially in full set."

"So what you're doing here?"

"You know. DEA check."

"It hasn't been funny for five years."

"Funny? The first time you lost your shit. Because of one hidden joint."

"Now, I'm clean."

"Just checking. And it looks like I found something interesting."

"He's my friend."

"I know, you've already said it. But even your friends are interesting. You chose to not get involved with others. What has changed? Or why him?"

"How long are you staying?"

"Just passing by."

 

* * *

 

Dean returned home. Dad said he was moving out, but everything stayed in its places, even things he collected the day before.

"You stayed?"

John ignored him. He would never answer Dean at the most important question: why? So his son didn't ask. They needed to return to what they were trying to call life.

What if Dad moved out that night? What would Dean do? Where would he go? What... What would he tell Sam? Maybe then his brother wouldn't come here anymore. Maybe it would start another war between him and Dad. Dean always stayed in the middle of them trying to calm them down or endure, what he would now? Dad would be somewhere they didn't know, Sam would be at Stanford...

It would rip off this family. For what he could risk that? For a bunch of folks who would be his friends for now, but they could easily leave him behind. For Cas... Dean shouldn't go deeper into this relationship.

And he won't.

Man up, Winchester, handle it and don't whine.

 

* * *

 

 _Can you drop by to library? I have something for Jo_ , Dean got this message from Charlie.

 _Can't you give it to her?_ He typed back to her.

_Busy evening and she needs it now, don't ask why I don't know._

_Ok, I'll come_

_Thanks_

He will need to face Cas sooner than he expected.

 

* * *

 

When Dean walked into the library, Cas was talking with Charlie. Good to know those two befriended. Redhead noticed him.

"Hi, Dean. Listen, Cas has never seen Hitchhiker guide to the galaxy.

"Never? It's a fucking classic."

"Yeah. We should catch up" she looked at Cas and then at Dean. "Tomorrow, at my place? Right after closing?"

Librarian looked at Dean.

"I'm good. Cas?"

"Do I have a choice?"

"No, if you want to stick with us," said Charlie. She walked away from them returning to her duties.

That what was left of not going deeper into his relationship with Cas. Damn it all. Dean surrendered. He sat next to Cas.

"How's your brother?" Dean asked the librarian.

"Still alive somewhere, unfortunately."

"He did something that wrong?"

"Only usual sticking his fingers where he shouldn't. I prefer to keep my privacy."

"I didn't know that."

"It's between me and my family. We don't have the best relationship...”

“No one has it.”

“How's at yours?”

"Dad stayed. I don't know why, but he did. At least I don't have to explain it to Sam...”

“If he comes for Thanksgiving?”

“He will come. I've already talked with him."

"Good to hear you still have contact."

"Yeah... I came only to take something from Charlie to hand it over to Jo and..."

"You have to go?"

"Yeah."

"Don't forget that something."

"Right, thanks" Dean went to Charlie. She handed him over a stuffed bag. Whatever.

 

* * *

 

Next day, after many hesitations Dean came to the library. Maybe he shouldn't, but there will be also Charlie, so it might stay as friends meeting. And it passed peacefully till one talk at the very end.

"Charlie, I'll help you," Dean said.

"'Kay. Take it" she passed all rubbish she found around sofa after their movie marathon.

She closed the door to the kitchen after them.

"Okay, what's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong."

"Yeah, you're so stressed, because of nothing" she put bowls in the sink. "Something wrong between you and Cas?"

"No."

"Yeah, right. And there is nothing between you and him."

"What you mean? I'll wash it."

"Thanks" she let him pass to the sink. "You two are... you know, together, right?"

"We're friends."

"Right. Just friends don't look at each other like that."

"Like what?"

"You know, those bedroom looks"

"Charlie."

"What? You might be in the closet, but don't expect anyone wouldn't notice. How long have you been together?"

"None. We ain't together."

"I said... Oh..." she frowned herself. "Sorry. Just... I assumed you... You know. You're staring at each other quite intensely"

"Yeah, whatever" he walked out the kitchen.

"Cas, I'll take you home" he looked up at Charlie. Like saying doesn't assume anything weird.

He drove the whole road not speaking anything. The silence was replaced by mullet rock mix from one of his cassettes. He didn't notice which one of them he loaded this time. It was too loud in his head.

When he stopped near Cas home, everything was swallowed by silence.

"Cas... I can't. It's..."

"Okay. I understand. See you then."

"Yeah, right" Dean headed back to his car.

Cas watched him go. He noticed Dean wasn't himself at the end of the evening. Something happened. Cas felt it almost physically. Dean was slipping through his fingers. He wanted to catch him, but... He didn't do it. He let him go.


	9. Chapter 9

Dean drove to the airport to take Sam. He hadn't seen this nerd for two months, he couldn't wait to see him again.

"Heya, Sammy."

"Jerk."

"Bitch" Dean ruffled his brother's hair. "I didn't know what to do without you, pain in the ass little brother?"

"You have to find yourself a hobby" he walked towards the car.

"Other than teasing you? It's going to be hard."

Sam put his bag in the trunk.

"What about Cas?"

"What about him?" Dean closed trunk.

"I thought you were friends. They usually spend time together."

"Yeah, we were," Dean walked to his driver's seat.

Sam didn't let it end like this. He followed his brother and when he sat on the shotgun, he asked again:

"What happened?"

"We need space" Dean put keys in the ignition.

"Space? Isn't it one of those adult lies?"

"Yes," he turned the key and ignited the engine. "So, it's not any of your business."

Sam rolled his eyes, but he didn't bring this subject again. Not with Dean. Next day he went to the library. It hadn't changed over those months. He could find anything he wanted.

Castiel was sitting at his desk. He read something to survive boredom of early afternoon in the library. No one comes at his hour.

"Hey, Castiel."

Librarian looked at him and smiled gently. He hadn't changed too.

"Dean told me you would come back from college."

"Yeah, I thought Dean would invite you for Thanksgiving..."

Cas put his eyes low and closed book he had been reading.

"He hasn't done it yet," he said avoiding Sam's gaze.

"I know. Something went wrong between you two. Dean didn't give me any detail."

Librarian looked at him.

"My relationship with your brother became little complicated."

"Like everyone's with him" Sam sat on the other side of the table. "More talking, less self-doubt, and it gets better."

"Have you told him this?"

"I've been telling his this whole my life. But he isn't best at listening. At least if it is not Dad's ordering around."

"I understand" Cas stayed quiet. Sam expected stronger confirmation from him. "We will try to reconcile... How's college?"

"Worst try to change the subject I've ever met" Sam chuckled.

"Still worth trying. Sam, we can't pressure on your brother to do anything, he isn't comfortable with. I think he needs time to sort out things in his mind."

"Okay. Let's talk about college."

 

* * *

 

Cas didn't come for Thanksgiving, even though Sam had invited him. He didn't want to bother Dean. To make things complicated. They were friends, but in eyes of other people, it started to look otherwise. He wanted to avoid Dean hearing this from his closest people.

So he stayed alone in his apartment. He still had many movies to catch up.

At night his phone rang. He picked up without checking caller's name. Who could it be other than Gabriel? He didn't bother about an hour he was calling and later he complains Cas never answered. How was he supposed to?

It wasn't Gabriel. He heard Dean's voice:

"Cas. Hi, I..."

"Something happened?" Cas shifted on the sofa and turned off the movie.

"I've gotten drunk."

"Dean, is something...?"

"God, you seem so worried. I couldn't sleep and I drank all stuff Dad had hidden in the home. Nothing more than this. Thanksgiving had its ups and downs, but no, nothing wrong happened. Usual stuff. Dad and Sam made a scene, but somehow they're good now. Everything is good now"

"Family meetings are always like this."

"You're still worried."

"You're still drunk."

"No reason."

"You're a terrible liar."

"Cas... I missed you. God, I'm so pathetic. I thought maybe I back off and cool off, but then I get drunk screw everything more."

"Can I help you in any way?"

"Hang up."

"I won't."

"Then I should."

"You can stay and talk to me too."

"You want to hear so drunkard mumbling?"

"If this drunkard is you, then yes, I want to."

"What did I do to deserve you?"

 

* * *

 

Dean woke up with a nasty hangover. He got drunk when Sam was home. Worse, he called Cas. He needed to pull himself together. And puke.

Sam stood in the door to Dean's room.

"Happy Black Friday."

"Shut up, bitch" Dean groaned getting up from the bed.

"Charlie and Jo wanted to go for a shopping hunt..."

"Don't count on me."

"I'm not. I'm telling you where I'm going."

"Don't get yourself kill by some mad woman."

"Okay."

At least Sam was telling where he was going. He didn't have to. He was an adult. But it was reassuring.

Dean needed time to cool off after last night. And maybe for a couple of days, he should stay away from the library. Sounded like a good plan. At least not completely bad.

He returned to his room. Maybe he should take the time to rest, then make some housework. There was always something to do...

Dean noticed a book left on the desk with much other stuff he hadn't looked through since they'd moved in here. He needed to take care of it. He took the book into his hands. On the Road. He forgot about it. He really wanted to read it then.

He left it on his shelf. Hangover didn't encourage him to develop himself mentally.

 

* * *

 

After Sam had left for college, it became quieter in the home. Dean couldn't bear it. He didn't want to sit at home, all he could think about there was that Sam left them, started a new life and possibly not come back. He knew he was panicking, but he couldn't explain it to his mind.

He could only lose up those thoughts with some alcohol. It was a straightforward way to addiction, so he tried to avoid bars. But at Saturday evening there was no reason he should stay away from them.

Dean went to Roadhouse. At least Ellen would stop him if he drank too much. Or he could spend some time talking with Jo rather than whining over his paranoic problems.

He didn't expect only to meet this one person.

"Dean..."

The man looked back when he heard Cas calling his name.

"Even here I can't hide?" he smirked and returned to his beer.

"You missed the time of returning book."

"And you came personally? I'm impressed."

"I wanted to check on you."

"You didn't hurry. It passed like a week or more since that stupid drunk dial."

"Yes," Cas sat next to him. "But then Sam was with you."

"And now he's gone" Dean took another sip of his drink. "Yeah, I know. And I manage it somehow."

"Really?" Cas raised one brew.

Well, Dean was again at Roadhouse, drinking, alone. It sounded like losing control even for himself.

"I'm drinking beer, it's not that bad. I'm not going to end up drunk. It's only recreational... You want some?"

"No. One of us should stay sober to take the other home."

"I can take care of myself."

"It doesn't mean you can't let anyone help you..." he watched at Dean emptied his beer. When he wanted to ask Ellen for another, Cas stopped him. "Maybe you stop at this one tonight? I'll take you home."

"I don't want to."

"My place?"

Dean laughed.

"No. I'm good."

"But you're going to stay here?"

"I should wander through streets?" he looked at Cas. After a moment he turned his gaze away. "I don't have a reason to go home."

"But you have a reason to not come to me?"

"Something like that" he rubbed his neck. "It's like choosing between alcoholism and you."

"Which do you prefer?"

"Nothing's going to make Dad proud."

"Which do you prefer?" Cas put more force in this one word.

Dean looked at him. "Okay. Your place... And Cas... I'll return it. The book."

"I'll wait. Now, go with me."

 

* * *

 

Cas woke up in the air filled with delicious aroma. Right, he took Dean to his place last night. This time they didn't end up together in bed. At least he was going to get amazing breakfast.

He got up and walked to the kitchen.

"I should let you stay here more often," Cas said leaning on the doorframe to the kitchen. He like watching Dean's cooking.

"It's my payback."

"You don't hurry up for work?"

"It's Sunday. And it's early."

Cas looked at the clock. Fucking six am.

"I don't remember when last time I was awake at this hour."

"That is why humanity discovered coffee" Dean passed him a cup.

"And God made handsome cooks?"

"You're trying to get more breakfast in future?"

"I would love to."

"We will see if you're a good boy."

Dean took eggs from fry to the plates he took out before. He turned off the cooker and placed one portion in front of Cas, second on the other side of the table.

"I thought you would go as soon as you get up. To not make things weirder."

"I didn't want to leave" Dean sat and took a fork.

"Even if it makes things between us weirder?"

"They could be weirder?" he looked at him.

"They can."

"Cas... " Dean lowered his eyes. "It isn't the best moment to talk about it."

"I know" Cas took his fork. "That's what you get waking me up this early. Weird talks before their right time."

"I'll remember it" he smiled.

"You'd better."

 

* * *

 

Charlie poked Dean.

"You're spacing out."

Dean shifted in his seat and looked at her.

They were sitting in a cafe. After his hardships with Sam's leave, Dean tried to spend more time with his friends. The easiest was being with Cas, but it was getting them closer to the line Dean didn't want to cross. At least not now. Christmas was getting closer. He will see Sam again, but it was also next chance for their family to screw everything up. He needed to organize it all alone as always.

"I wondered about presents."

And that case. After all, Cas made for him, Dean wanted to pay back him. At least show that he cared about it, that he was grateful. And at the same time not to make it mean too much.

"Yeah. The worst part of Christmas. The hardest part of it. Who's such a problematic receiver?"

"Cas."

"It's that hard to figure something out for him?"

"You don't even know."

A book would be good enough probably, but Cas was working in the library, so it was hard to find what he hadn't read or didn't have access to.

"So..." Charlie leaned to him. "You two..."

"Stop it."

"What? I didn't even... You won't let me now even finish sentences?"

"Just don't start."

"Okay, I'm not saying anything. But I might help you with some Christmas shopping, you know?"

"I'll have an idea..."

"And you're not going to tell me? Great. Dean! Just... Whatever" Charlie returned to drinking her drink.

He left her. This shop was just around a corner. He'll be back soon. Or maybe he should take Charlie with him. She could advise him. Or she could laugh him off.

Better to take care of it alone.

Dean went into the shop. It was still here. A bookmark, silver with blue. He'd noticed it on display when he and Charlie had passed that shop.

Maybe Cas would like it.

You're thinking about it too much, he silenced himself.

He brought it anyway. Dean wanted to make Cas happy.

 

* * *

 

Dean was getting more and more stress up when Charlie mentioned Cas. At first, she had thought she had misinterpreted it, but after time there rest no place make mistake. Dean had a crush on Cas. They tried not to do anything with it, but they were easy to look through. But Dean tried to deny it. He was afraid he's lesbian friend would judge him?

It was irrational.

She finished organizing books on shelves in this alleyway. It always makes her think too much. She went to another to help Cas. She deserved a break and some chit chat won't hurt him.

"You're going somewhere for Christmas?"

"No" he put a book on the shelf. He had to hurry before Charlie would bring whole his family drama out of him.

"Your family will come?"

"No," he took next few volumes.

"So, what're your plans for it?"

"I'll read, drink tea, eat something and go to sleep."

"What's with your family?"

"We aren't in best terms."

"Maybe it's good opportunity to reconcile with them? Before it's too late. I'm speaking from experience."

"I'll think about it."

"Okay."

 

* * *

 

Dean wanted to give his present to Cas. To see him when he was opening the present. He wanted it too much. He shouldn't be so overexcited about it. There was something so wrong in all of this, but he saw it when he walked into the library.

He was so fucked up. He couldn't even have one friend. He had to screw up everything in his life.

He went to Cas. It was too late to back off.

"Oh, hi," Charlie noticed him first. Then Cas looked at him.

"Yeah, hi. Just wanted to give you this" he put the package on the desk and moved it toward Cas.

"Thank you" he took it.

"I'm kind of busy."

"Oh, right. Thank you found some time for me."

"Yeah. See you."

Dean heard them talking when he was leaving.

"What's with him lately?"

"I think I know."

Dean would give anything, so Cas wouldn't know what was going on in his head.

 

* * *

 

Sam was coming back from Stanford this day.

Dean forced himself to get up. For Sam. For making at least this one Christmas enjoyable.

He got up, dressed up, made breakfast, woke Dad, went to work, took Sam after it. He didn't overthink that day. He knew the most important: Christmas was never good.

"What about you and Cas?" Sam asked when they got to the car.

"He became your favorite subject?"

"Least you want to talk about it, more I want to know about it."

"We made up and then we met other problems."

Sam rolled his eyes. "Why doesn't it surprise me? So what now? You're going to keep passing each other without a word?"

"Maybe."

"That's silly. It's not going to work."

"We will see."

***

Dean went out for last Christmas shopping. Later he visited with Sam Bobby. He was like a father to them and he had only them. Another time Dean nugged him to come to them, but he refused. Well, he wasn't in best terms with John, so it was understandable.

Then Dean, this time alone, visited Ellen and Jo helping them a little with preparation. He liked doing this. This whole hustle and bustle, cooking, decorating, being with family... He was in good mood, it was a really good day.

Till he came home.

Sam stood in front of their house. Leaning over the fence. Why wasn't he at home? It was freezing outside.

"Why are you here?"

"Dad's drinking."

It couldn't be that bad. They'd been through various states of Dad's alcoholism and they managed it every time.

Dean went in.

Nothing new. Dad passed out drinking - that was good, they didn't need a mean drunk. They should stay quiet and won't disturb him tomorrow. They'd passed nights like this, but somehow he didn't want to deal with it anymore.

"Shit..." he looked at his brother. "Sam, pack yourself, we're going out here."

"Where?"

"Anywhere else."

"Sounds good" Sam smiled a bit. He went to his room to take his things. He knew it would be only one day rest from their Dad, but it was much for them.

Dean repeated in his head list of people they can crush over while packing himself. It was Christmas. He didn't want to interrupt anyone or to their family situation become the hottest topic of this night. He repeated and repeated rejecting more and more.

"We'll go to Bobby?" Sam asked.

"No. He won't stay quiet about it" and maybe we shouldn't stay quiet, but neither of them dared to say it. Whole their life they were fighting for this family. They gritted their teeth and survived. And they will do it again. "Neither Ellen" Dean added.

"Charlie is at hers with Jo, right?"

"Yeah. Benny went to his family."

"Jody?"

"Like we need a cop in this whole mess," Dean sighed. No matter how many times he counted it. There was always one person, right in the first place in his thoughts, only he stayed for them.

Dean took out his phone, selected number.

"Cas... Can we stay for a moment at your place?"


	10. Chapter 10

"Sorry, we came out of blue and..." Dean said leaning back on kitchen cabinet at Cas' apartment, while his friend was trying to make dinner for three.

"What happened?"

"Dad screw up. Again."

"How's Sam?"

"Angry," Dean sighed. "He'll get over it" he needed to run away from this subject. Walking into self-loathing was a good way to pass Christmas. "How's writing going?"

"I'm finishing."

"Really? Cool" Dean smiled.

"Dean..." Cas looked at him. Those worried blue eyes always got him. "Is it okay? Between us?"

"Cas... About that time at the library, I'm sorry. I..." he turned his eyes. "I was tired, that's why" he returned his gaze to his friend. Cas knew it was a lie. But he didn't say a thing. Dean could stay with it. He didn't. "I freaked out," he turned out his eyes. "Because of Charlie, because of the whole mess, I made in my head."

Cas was quiet. He finished cooking. Maybe he was giving Dean a chance to add more details, but Winchester didn't speak up.

"Will you promise, you'll never do it again?" blue eyes found green ones. "You won't disappear without saying a word what's going on?"

"I promise."

"So it's forgotten," Cas took frying pan from the cooker. He looked at his friend. "You think it's edible?"

"We will see," Dean smiled.

 

* * *

 

After dinner, they occupated the couch and TV. Christmas for Winchesters had never been this happy and talkative. Maybe Sam had changed, Dean thought. His brother lived by himself for a couple of months. He tasted other life. It might change him...

Hours passed and sleepy talks quieted. In the room sounded only Christmas reruns.

"I think Sam is asleep" Cas spoke up.

Dean looked at his brother.

"Kids," he smiled and took the TV remote to mute the volume. When he turned to them, blue eyes met him.

"Why did you come here?" Cas asked quietly to not wake up Sam.

"We have nowhere else to go."

"I don't understand it. You have so many friends in this city and..."

"Everyone would make a fuss."

"And I won't?" Cas raised one brow.

"No. You're different. From anyone, I've ever known. Anybody else would start with how bad is my father. Thank you very much, I don't want this bullshit. I needed a place for Sam, not opening wound."

"You're hurt?"

"Cas," Dean looked him into eyes, "we know we have a crappy life. But this... This is one of worse days. Dad... He is nowhere near what it looks like. He cares about us. He holds his shit together for us. It normal he had a tougher day."

"You allow him more than yourself."

"He's stronger than me. I have to try harder if I want to deal with all crap in my life. And... I don't have a right to judge him. He's far better than me."

"No one should be the judge in your opinion, but it's like you feel there is always someone to judge you."

"Maybe without it, I couldn't put myself in control?"

"Do you have to be put in control?"

"So what should I?"

"Stop worrying about everyone else. Don't think. Let it go."

"It helps you?"

"I'm no good too" Cas smiled.

"But you handle it."

"Or I am good at faking it?"

"I'm good at it too?"

Cas was silent. He looked his friend into eyes.

"Dean, you are hurt."

"Probably" he turned his eyes from Cas. He was hurt. After all those years, since Mom's death, he was hurt. Only now he noticed wound.

Cas placed his hand on Dean's chest.

"It won't stop hurting even if you touch it, angel," he said, but he didn't reject him.

"It's still worth trying."

"Is it really?" after a moment of silence Dean rearranged his question. "Am I worth your attention?"

"You deserve all attention."

"Even if I don't give you anything in return?"

"If only you let me be by your side."

Dean shifted on the couch.

“It's late.”

"I'll go for some blankets" Cas raised from his seat.

"And grab some pillows."

"Okay," Cas went to his bedroom.

Dean woke up Sam.

"Hey, kiddo, let us first make you a place to sleep."

"Sorry," he wiped his closing eyes.

"It was a long day."

"Dean?"

"What?"

"It was the best Christmas" Sam leaned on his arm. It was becoming harder and harder to keep eyes open.

Dean thought so too.

 

* * *

 

Dean went into Cas' bedroom.

"He's asleep."

"Good” and after a moment he added: “I think?"

"Kids should sleep."

"Is he a child?"

"For me. Yes."

"Okay."

Dean noticed bookmark he brought Cas for Christmas

"You use it?"

"Yes. I like it."

"I didn't have any idea what to give you. It just caught my attention. I'm no good in choosing gifts... Can I stay here? Not for long, just... It's weird to sit there."

"You're not that type to watch people in the sleep?"

"No. At least not the whole night."

"You can't sleep?"

"Kind of."

"We can stay awake both."

"And?"

"Talk? That is what friends do on sleepless nights."

“Maybe. You have something to drink?”

“It would be better if you restrain from drinking.”

“Right. I just... Never mind.”

“We both are no good at talking soberly.”

“Yeah. But it doesn't mean I don't like it.”

Cas smiled.

“So,” Dean walked towards him and sat on the bed near him. “I have one question.”

“Okay,” Cas leaned a little to him.

"You don't have any Christmas decor?"

"People's making whole this atmosphere for their closest persons, children. I don't have here anyone. When you're by yourself it starts to feel meaningless."

“I guess” Dean looked around the room. "Guitar...? Yours?" he took it out. He sat with it on the bed. His body remembered right position.

"No, it's... Gabriel uses my apartment as his storeroom. I don't even know what he left here."

"Maybe we should try to find it out?" he smiled. He ran his fingers through the strings. It was out of tune, but he could fix it. "I've returned to playing."

"It's good you returned to your passion."

"Wanna hear me?" he glanced up at him.

"You will wake up your brother."

"If he's asleep, there is nothing to wake him up."

Cas ran his eyes along the instrument, Dean's fingers on the strings.

"I thought you didn't let anyone listen to..."

"I owe you this," and lowering his gaze he added, "Thanks to you I returned to playing" he began to tune the instrument. He listens closely as the sounds were closing to its correct tones. His fingers started a melody. Cas recalled it... It was some Christmas song.

Dean kept his eyes low. Slowly he started to hum to the guitar tunes. He smiled slightly. Raised his gaze only to check Cas reaction. Humming increased to singing. His low voice wrapped around Cas.

At second verse, Dean dared to look up at Cas. Their eyes stayed gazing into each other. There was nothing more important, there was nothing to distract them. There were only green eyes, blue eyes, smooth sound of the guitar and honey-like voice.

Dean finished the song and they kept quiet for a couple of minutes. The silence wasn't good for him. It fueled his thoughts. And his mind was creative at tormenting itself.

What am I even doing here, in his life? He kept asking himself. He didn't bring anything good into this man's life. Nothing.

"It was beautiful" Cas touched his arm. Dean's tensed muscles relaxed. He looked at him.

"Cas, why are you doing this? You let such worthless trash to ruin your life..."

"Dean. Don't ever talk about yourself like that. You are not worthless nor trash, nor ruining my life in any way. You're always welcome here. And I'll be here always happy to help you. Because you deserve it."

Dean stayed quiet. He didn't deny, didn't run away from those words. He let them touch him.

"I'll help you clean up" he spoke finally trying to avoid blue eyes.

Cas agreed. He preferred to leave it for next day, but he'd already known that sometimes Dean had to do something.

They packed leftovers and put them to fridge.

"Was it true?"

"Yes," Cas didn't need to ask what Dean was referring to. Every word he said that day was true.

Dean nodded. He returned to washing plates. Maybe he shouldn't let Cas this close to himself. He never let anyone...

"Cas... I'm glad you're here."

Cas... You're my salvation, he added in his thoughts.

"Goodnight, Dean."

"Goodnight," but none of his nights were good.

 

* * *

 

Brothers were still asleep. Sam on the sofa, Dean on the floor. Younger on his back, older on his stomach, but with an arm pulled out to his brother. He would save him from any danger. In this or in a dream world. He was always this close, within reach. One arm stretched to his brother in case of any need.

Cas went through his morning routine as quiet as he could. Turning on the laptop, making coffee, writing one page or two. He typed the end and he stared at those words for a couple of minutes. It felt weird. He finished. He saved document three more times to make sure it won't disappear. He still had a lot of work before him, but for now...

"Awake so early?"

"Dean" Cas rushed and closed the document. He looked at a sleepy man.

"You ate anything?" Dean stood up and walked towards him.

"Only coffee."

"Okay. I'll make you something" man smoothly turned to the kitchen.

"Dean, you don't have to..."

"Shut up, let me make you breakfast."

Cas closed laptop. He walked to Dean. He let him do whatever he wanted, he came only to look at his moves.

"Dean, you can stay over another night."

"We have to come back. I don't want to leave Dad alone this long."

"Just saying. In case of another emergency."

"Thank you."

 

* * *

 

John was sitting on the couch. Hands clasped between his legs, head bowed. When they came to him he raised his eyes. He was a wreck of a man, not their Dad.

"Sam..." he started.

"If it was only for you, I wouldn’t come here anymore. Don't worry about it" younger son went to his room.

"I'll talk with him" Dean went after his brother before Dad said anything.

"Sam, what was that?" he closed doors after him.

"I'm done with his shit. And I let him know about it."

"What do you expect from him? That he will apologize? That he will change? Grow up."

"Dean, we don't have to deal with his mess. If he keeps on acting like this..."

"What? You've already left."

"And you should too."

"I won't leave him," Dean leaned at the door.

"What with starting your life?"

"Sam... You should fight for yourself. I really mean it. But I won't be any better than this. At least Dad won't be alone."

"No. I don't understand. Why do you keep on punishing yourself? You don't even let yourself make any mistake."

"I'm not that different from him."

"You can be different... We don't have to end up like him."

 

* * *

 

Cas reheated leftovers from that unexpected dinner. When was the last time he passed Christmas with someone? Since he left home. Eleven years ago.

Everyone was with their families on Christmas, unless unusual cases like this year with Sam and Dean. It always felt wrong to interrupt someone's life on this day. So he stayed alone. Until they needed him.

His phone rang. Cas checked caller's name. Gabriel.

"Heya, bro."

"Always late with wishes."

"At least you pick up now."

"Only you've stayed the same."

"Yeah. How's your high school crush?"

"I finished high school over ten years ago."

"But still you need to go through it, like smallpox."

Cas sighed, but after he started to talk about Dean. With each sentence, it was becoming easier. Gabriel caught happiness in his brother's voice. He kept silent until Cas finished.

"Brother... With this Winchester, end it quickly or it will hurt. Badly."


	11. Chapter 11

Dean took few shifts at Roadhouse. He needed to work through Sam's departure. He left once, twice, and maybe he won't come for third. One day Sam won't come home. No one can prevent it. But Dean and Dad were screwing everything up, so they brought it closer.

He needed to stop drifting off to this subject. He had a job he should focus on. Nothing else mattered now.

"Hi, bitches!" Charlie came to the counter.

Dean rolled his eyes, but he smiled. He couldn't be mad at her.

"How X-mas passed?" she asked when she sat.

"Shitty, but Cas helped us," he took a glass to wipe off. Anything to keep his hands occupated.

"Cas, hm?"

"Friends helps each other, you didn't know?"

"Get off me. Listen, I'm sorry about that. Just don't be pissy on me for the rest of my life."

"I can't get away such chance."

She sighed.

"You want to order anything?" he asked her.

"The usual."

"Coming up."

Charlie watched him. Always the most hopeless case: Winchesters. Luckily, she noticed Jo. Blond returned to bar for orders. There were more important things than this.

"Jo, I need you here" Charlie pushed her to a seat next to her. She turned to Dean. She got a plan. "Dean, since you and Cas still like each other, maybe we'll hang out?"

"Your place and movies again?" he passed her her drink. "With Jo?"

"I can go, thanks for asking" blond glared at her friend.

"Is there something wrong with it?" Charlie looked at the two of them.

"I'm good" Jo answered.

Dean hesitated.

"Ask Cas first" man threw finally and returned to his work duties.

"And he will send me back to you," Charlie didn't give up.

"A little movement won't hurt you."

"Okay," Charlie emptied her glass. "Warcraft won't play itself."

"Bye, Charlie," Jo smiled to her. When her friend was gone, she leaned to Dean. "What is wrong with you?"

"Nothing."

"Right, you're always like something bit you in the ass."

"Jo, I have work..."

"Yeah, I know. And guess what, I have it too," she said and passed him clients' orders.

Dean didn't want to be an ass. He just didn't have a head to think about all of it after what happened in Christmas. Even though Cas had been here to help him, there were things he couldn't change.

One day Sam won't come home.

One day Dad will decide to move out from Sioux Falls.

And Dean couldn't do anything about it. But everyone kept pushing him about it. After Jo left, Ellen talked him down.

"Since when you don't want to hang out with them? And don't think to be silent will save you," she sat on the other side of the bar. "So. What's going on, Winchester?"

"We had some ups and downs."

"Is there anything you couldn't forgive those girls?"

"No," he returned to wiping off the counter.

"So? Is it because of Sam?" Dean looked at her. "I know you this long to know everything in your life spin around that boy."

"It isn't about him. Not only about him."

"So?"

"What if Dad wants to leave?" he stopped working.

"So? You're adult. You make choices for yourself."

"And stay alone."

"You think if you stay here you'll be alone? What's with us? We don't matter?"

"It's..."

"And I thought Bobby knock this bullshit of your head. We care about you, boy. We won't leave you alone here. See, it's all that girl wanted to do. It's you who can let her do it or not. Understand? Okay," she stood up. They were in work after all. "I'll kick you in the ass next time you have such dilemmas. "

"Yes, boss."

 

* * *

 

 

Dad wasn't the whole problem. There was another case, but he couldn't say about it in front of Ellen.

There was Cas. He agreed to Charlie's terms. Dean didn't protest any longer. He liked hanging out with them. Just he didn't know where to draw the line between him and Cas to not make things complicated.

And he didn't want to hear from others things he should think through by himself.

Dean came to Charlie's apartment. Cas was there.

"Hello, Dean."

He swallowed. He had no idea what to do.

Maybe Cas' idea wasn't so bad. Don't think about it. Who was here to judge him? Charlie, the nerdy lesbian? Jo who's been with him for his all ups and downs... And Cas. Cas would never judge him.

"Hi, Cas."

"Guys, come on! We want to start" Jo hurried them up.

They sat with the blonde on a couch while Charlie occupated her armchair. She turned on the show. Popcorn and licorice beloved by Dean were within reach of a hand on the table.

Everything prepared. It was unusual for Jo and Charlie. Maybe it was only because Dean came late or Cas helped her, but it felt nice.

Charlie got absorbed in talking with Jo. Cas focused on the show. Nothing bad was going to happen. Dean was with his friends. He knew they wouldn't judge him.

Keeping distance from Cas wasn't needed. They were more distant from each other than usual, but it formed like this naturally. Dean only noticed it up, he didn't start it.

Did Cas help him? Or did he want to keep distance because of his own reasons?

It didn't matter. It was easier to push away, to forget.

Dean relaxed.

It wasn't bad. It was really good. Maybe it wouldn't be hard to keep living like this.

 

* * *

 

"I'm going out for coffee, buy you something, guys?" Charlie asked.

Dean and Cas raised their eyes from books they were reading. Sleepy, peaceful Wednesday afternoon. Coffee was must to have item.

“Two. Black” Dean ordered.

“Roger” she smiled. When she was walking away she typed something at her cell.

Dean leaned at the back of his seat. Movie marathon at Charlie's passed so well, he let himself get comfortable in Cas' presence. Nothing bad didn't happen so far.

"Why is she always going out for coffee, she can't make one in the staff room?"

"She prefers not to," Cas returned to book and turned a page.

"Is that bad?"

"Not as bad as in hospitals, but not good one."

"You know a lot about hospitals' coffee?"

“Something.”

"Who...?"

"My mother."

"Is she better now?"

"No. I've just stopped to care..."

Dean quieted.

Cas put the novel he tried to read down and looked at his friend.

"You have a different approach to our families."

"Yeah, it can't be missed'" Dean smiled. He looked at book Cas put on the table. "They're playing it in the cinema now" Dean tried to change the subject.

"Adaptations are usually heartless, soulless, ripped off versions of novels."

"Whoa, you don't like them that much?" Dean laughed.

"Usually" blue eyes raised followed his friend trying to figure out where the conversation was going.

"So not always."

"That's correct."

"Wanna find out how it is this time? Or am I not a good company for heartless, soulless, ripped off adaptations?"

Cas smiled.

"You are a good company. I'll go with you. With pleasure."

Cas returned to book.

When Charlie came back with coffee, they were still smiling.

“Why are you in so good moods, guys?” she passed them their cups.

“It took you a long time to go around the corner,” Dean teased her.

“I wasn't here like ten minutes.”

“And you missed so much.”

Cas glanced at Dean. At his smiling face. Cas loved him. He loved those moments when they were together and happy. He would do anything to keep them forever.

 

* * *

 

Dean used to go often to the cinema. With or without Sam. That was the easiest to do when he was new in town and he didn't know anyone.

At Friday evening he went with Cas to the cinema. This movie wasn't as bad as his friend had predicted. It wasn't good either. Some of the plotlines went loose and lost their resolution, but movies have more limited space than novels, they need to cut something out.

"You liked it?" Dean asked him when they went out.

"It was like the director opened up this story, let his dog take out and bite all elements of plot and then he tried to put them down forgetting where they were and forgetting some of them. Usually important ones."

Dean laughed.

"Come on, it wasn't that bad."

"It was."

"Maybe. I should read the book, then."

"I put it out for you tomorrow."

"Thanks."

"Dean... Why did you want to go out to the cinema with me?"

"Am I always wanting something from you? I'm such horrible human being?" he put his hands in pockets.

"You are not. You just don't have the courage to do it without other reason."

"I... I don't want to be alone now."

"Dean..."

"Never mind."

Cas didn't go deeper into this subject. They walked in silence. It was bad or awkward. Dean watched Cas. His friend looks like he got lost somewhere in his thoughts.

"What are you thinking about?" Dean asked him.

"Not connected with this situation. Maybe a little to that movie."

"Okay. What is it?"

"I used to identify myself with the main character. In the movie, he's more separated from reality than in the novel. I was thinking that I'm like this too. I only dream. Maybe I'm in love with the wrong world" in a world where you would be mine, he added in his thoughts.

"Maybe it isn't wrong. If it keeps you going... Whatever works for you, right? And who knows, if nightmare could be real, maybe good ones too?"

"What's your nightmare?"

"Now? That Sam won't come home anymore. And it turns out real."

"It doesn't."

"How do you know?"

"I know Sam."

"Not better than me."

"No, but you're seeing the worse possible resolution to your situation."

"And you're seeing which? The best, the most optimistic?"

"The most realistic."

"Yeah, right."

"You're never believing me."

"I don't believe in anything. There's no one, no angels to watch over us."

"But you're believing that nightmare can come true. After all, it's only a dream."

"If something can go wrong, it will."

"In how awful world are we living...?"

"Yeah..." he sighed.

"Dean. Good things happen."

"Not in my experience."

"Are you sure?"

"Suddenly you're such an expert in my life?"

"Still learning, but you can say so."

"Okay. Tell me. What good has ever happened to me?"

"Me."

Dean laughed.

"Maybe you're right. You're really one of best things ever happened to me."

Dean walked Cas home. He returned to the library next to which he left his baby. He came back home. Dad was here. How unusual.

"Where had you been?"

"Cinema, with a friend."

"One of those girls?"

"No, with Cas. He works in the library where Sam used to go."

"You've ever read something?"

I did read something, his thoughts shouted, but he kept his mouth closed. He clenched his teeth. It didn't matter. He'd always been stupid, good-for-nothing son. Sam was the clever one.

It didn't matter.

It didn't matter, he kept repeating himself.

Dean went to the bathroom. He washed his face. He looked in the mirror. Again he was shaking. Something was cracking in him. Why? Everything was going so well.

Looks like friends can't change everything. Even if it felt good being with them, it didn't mean it erased every fuck up part of him and it saved him from coming home.

He was still broken. Even though Cas never looked at him like that.

Maybe he didn't know me well, Dean thought.

And Cas... He was making him think about things, do things, he wouldn't do.

The only thing Dean knew was that he can't throw his problems at Cas. He needed to take care of it himself.

 

* * *

 

Next day was worse. Dean barely made it through work. Bobby started to giving him this look _son, maybe you should go home earlier today_. He didn't want to go home. It wouldn't help. He went to the Roadhouse. Drinking away his problems was the only way that works for him.

"Where is your friend?" Ellen approached him.

"Not here."

"Why?"

"I don't want to. Watching as I drink isn't much fun."

"Dean, everything's alright?"

"Swell. Yep, I'm fine. Completly fine. Don't need to care, boss."

"Maybe you should pass this round," she said watching him taking another shot.

"Probably."

He needed more alcohol to deal with his life.

Or something else.

He noticed a red haired woman. It wasn't Charlie. No this shade of red. No giggling, nerding or flirting with girls around. The woman sat peacefully at the end of the bar and ordered something.

It's just one night, you've done worse things, he thought.

Dean stood up and walked to her.

 

* * *

 

Cas didn't want to make things complicated. He didn't want to force himself on Dean. He just... He just missed him. He just wanted to meet him.

It wasn't bad, right? Wasn't it asking for too much?

Cas went to bar. It was Jo shift. Good. At least someone he knew.

"Jo... Is Dean here tonight?"

"Yeah, he was here... But guess he's already busy. You know, it's Valentines Day. Getting laid is a proper celebration" she looked around. "Like I said" she rolled her eyes.

Cas looked in that direction. At the corner, Dean sat with some woman. They were kissing. Cas recognized her.

It hurt.

He was numb. He felt clutch in his chest.

It hurt.

He didn't want to hurt so badly.

Cas forced himself to turn his gaze to Jo.

"Maybe I have a drink."

Maybe this can help.

"Right" she turned to get him drink. Under counter, she pulled out her cell phone.

 _Need help ASAP, Roadhouse_ , she typed to Charlie.

_Kind of busy_

_Dean/Cas stuff_

_Give me 15 minutes_

 

* * *

 

It took her 13 minutes. Jo checked out for curiosity.

"What happened?" Charlie asked catching her breath.

Jo tilted her head in Cas side.

"Oh. Right" she took a deep breath and walked to him. Leaving him alone wouldn't be a good solution.

Charlie sat next to him.

"Hi," she smiled at him.

He didn't answer. He didn't even look at her. So she kept talking.

"I bet it would be far better if it was Dean, not me, speaking to you right now."

He looked at her.

"It's..."

"It's okay, Castiel. Not like I never notice your doe eyes for him..." she looked at his face for a few moments trying to read him. "He ditched you" she sighed. "I thought you were... you know, together? Guess not, okay, so... Did Dean know? You tried to tell him what you feel?"

"Not exactly what I feel..."

"So try it."

"And if he rejects me?"

"Sometimes we need to let go. Tell him or end it. Otherwise, you'll be the one who gets hurt. And no one wants it to happen."

Cas nodded. It didn't matter what she said.

"I should go home."

"You need a lift? Or company?"

"No. I'm good. Well, good enough to handle it."

"If you need to talk or be with someone, call me."

"Thanks."

She knew he wouldn't do it. But she couldn't force him to shut up and let her help. Even if she would like to.

Cas took a bus and returned to the home. He didn't have an energy for anything. Even breath required some willpower. When he got home, he laid on the bed under blanket and pretended to be nothing.


	12. Chapter 12

Dean knew what was happening. Like he lived through it once. He had. He walked this corridor with... He looked at his companion. It wasn't her. It wasn't that redhead from the bar. It was...

Dean stopped. It wasn't happening. It wasn't real. It wasn't... It couldn't be...

He was here with Cas.

Everything was the same. Same corridor, same darkness, same movements, same feelings, or maybe he felt even more aroused, but...

Cas' lips touched his.

Dean pinned him to the wall. He kissed his lips more intensely. He wanted this.

Every his and Cas movement was like with her. Had he ever done it with her? Maybe he met Cas in that bar and they went out together? How did they end up like this?

With every touch, he thought about it less and less. The most important was now.

 

* * *

 

Dean woke up. He looked at the other side of the bed. He saw no one. Neither Cas nor redhead. He heard shower. With whom he spend this night? Which one was a dream?

Shower switched off. After two minutes, doors opened. A red-haired woman came out.

"Everything's alright?" she asked him.

Why did he dream about Cas?

"Hey, Dean...?" she approached him.

"Sorry" he turned his gaze away. "Just weird dream."

"You want to talk about it?" she sat by him.

"No."

"Shame. I like weird stories" she stood up. She collected her clothes and dressed up herself.

It was going to be a weird day.

 

* * *

 

Gabriel went in his brother apartment. Another check up since Cassie stopped bitching at his family. He didn't know why it happened and if it was or wasn't caused by that Winchester guy, but it was good. Gabe could understand Cassie's aversion towards them. They never stood by him. They weren't here when he needed them the most. But cutting off all ties wouldn't end up well.

Or maybe it would.

The door wasn't closed. He walked into.

"Heya, lil bro!"

No answer. Weird.

He went to the bedroom. He found him. Cas was a mess. Yesterday clothes, unshaven, reddened eyes. And hidden under a blanket on the floor as he fell from the bed.

"Holy shit, Cassie," Gabe rushed to help him get up.

"What?" Cas got up by himself high enough to sit on the bed.

"I never saw you this... What happened?"

"I saw Anna last night," he took the blanket from the floor.

"And?"

"She and Dean were intimate."

"I said he would be a dick and hurt you."

"He didn't do it knowing it would hurt me, so it isn't his fault."

"So who's?"

"Mine. I told myself I didn't expect anything, guess I lied...

"Cassie, you know you can't destroy your life for one person, right?"

"I've heard you other thousand times," he dared to look his brother into eyes.

"And you're still doing it. For thousand and first time."

"Is it wrong I still have faith in people?"

"No. It's wrong you put yourself in such situation. Okay, quit being a drama queen, Cassie. Come on. I'll patch you up."

 

* * *

 

Dean washed his face like the fifth time this day. He couldn't forget this dream. It became blurry, but the one stayed clear: he dreamt about having sex with Cas. Telling himself he felt nothing for his friend brought him to this point where he lost control over it. How to deny dreams? They were weird and hard to understand, but they showed what we fear or desire. Cas was both of them.

 

* * *

 

 

Next day Cas went to work. He tried to fly into the routine. Don't think. Let it go as it goes.

If only he could be away from people.

"Hi," Charlie sat near him. She wouldn't be quiet about Saturday night. "How did Sunday pass?"

"My brother came in. Checking up."

"And?"

"I'm alive. It didn't suffice him."

"I can imagine."

"I'm fine, Charlie."

"And I know from who you learned to lie about it."

Cas stood still hearing this.

"If you want to take a day or two off, I can cover you," she said.

"I don't need it."

"Okay," she didn't dig deeper, they had work to do.

The day passed on following their usual duties. She got lost the track of time till once she came back to her colleague near the end of their work. She looked at him and she didn't need to check on a clock to know the hour. She knew this longing gaze. It was after Dean's shift on salvage. Cas didn't get over him. He still waited for him.

"I'll go home, 'kay?" she said.

"Yes. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

She went out the library and took out her cell. She had one more idea left. Maybe it would help them... She kept her fingers crossed that it won't complicate everything more. She called Dean.

"Dean, maybe you check up on Cas?"

"Why?"

"He looks like something went wrong in his life. He didn't let me help. He's all grumpy and bitchy. I thought... You know, after all, you're his friend."

"Right. I'll figure something out."

"Thanks. I'm worried about him."

"So, am I"

 

* * *

 

He won't come, Cas kept saying this in his head. But he didn't have anything better to do than staying here for an hour past his shift.

He isn't yours, don't expect anything, Cas repeated himself. But also: Don't bother with it. Dream. He could be yours.

Maybe if he turns it all into a dream, it won't hurt.

He didn't hear door's opening or footsteps, he got lost in his fighting thoughts.

"Bad day?"

With the sound of this voice, everything else disappeared. Cas raised his eyes. Dean. He came.

"Bad eternity, universe, fate, life and timeline," librarian answered.

"Shitty Valentines?" Dean smiled with understanding. "Let's go out."

"Where?"

"Roadhouse?"

"No."

"Okay, so, somewhere else. Sounds acceptable?"

"Yes," Cas smiled a bit.

 

* * *

 

Dean would prefer to back off from his relation with Cas. He ran the fuck away. But Cas was his friend. And there was clearly something off about him. No matter how things get messed up, Dean won't leave him like that.

They went to bar close to the library. Dean was here few times. It wasn't bad. At Monday evening there was never crowded, better for Cas who had some hard times with it.

Dean noticed that redhead from last night. He wouldn't walk to her and leave Cas.

It was her to walk towards him.

"Dean?" she smiled at him.

"Hi, nice to see you again" Dean slide his gaze on her body remembering how it looks like without clothes and dripping from pleasure.

She kissed him. Long, slow, gently, she stood at the tip of her toes. Everything Cas would ever want.

"Whoa, I thought it was only a one-night thing."

"Just a little after taste" she smiled and looked at his companion. "Hello, Castiel"

"Anna."

"You know each other?" Dean looked at them.

"Yes," Anna spoke up first. "He's my brother."

"Maybe I leave you two for a moment. Get you something?" he asked redhead.

"No, thanks."

"Okay. But don't get too comfy without me," he smirked.

Before he left, Dean checked up on Cas once more.

He was hurt.

He looked betrayed.

I'd hurt you? he thought to look at him. If he had, he did it again right now.

What have I done this time? What hurt you so badly? What you can't forgive?

 

* * *

 

"You are not interested how we meet?" Anna asked when she with her brother sat.

"No. I saw it. I was there. When you were already busy with yourselves," he looked away from her.

"Why are you so...? Oh," she realized it by herself. "You know he came to me, right? Don't treat me like it's all my fault."

"So you're saying it's his?" he finally looked at her.

"No. Yours. You haven't do any move... I forgot you would never make any step forward. It isn't your style."

"He is my friend."

"Oh, right. He'd stepped as it into your life and he will step out like this," she took a deep breath. It was too easy for them to argue. She leaned to him. "Brother, I don't want to fight. I'll stay away, but for once - take your life in your hands," she looked into his eyes and backed off.

They stayed quiet until Dean brought them drinks. Soon Anna left them. At least Dean got a chance to speak with his friend.

"Cas, I..."

"You can go after her," he interrupted him.

"What?"

"I can take care of myself. Hope you have a good time together."

"Hey" Dean caught his arm. "Wait. What's wrong with you?" he looked at him. "So this is really what is about? Cas, listen. I felt low, drank too much and... it happened. It was a one-time thing. I usually don't sleep with my friends' sisters."

Why did he feel he needed to explain himself?

"You could have called me," Cas said after a pause. "If you felt low, you could have called me."

"Yeah, sure, and what then? I was drunk and didn't want to throw myself onto you more."

"I wouldn't mind."

"One day you will."

"I always come when you call! Why can't you believe I..."

"What? That you want to help me? I know it. But I can take care of myself. I'm not a baby, there's no place for whining."

"But for drinking, there is a place?"

Dean clenched his jaw.

"Please," Cas voice softened, "take better care of yourself."

"I'll try."

"You won't?"

"Maybe you're right" he sighed. "Okay. Maybe I'm shit. Maybe I can't do anything myself. Okay. You're right. But there are things I have to manage myself or try to no matter how bad. And definitely, I didn't want to push all my crap on to you."

"If you don't want to rely on me, then let someone else take care of you. Of even help a little."

"I know. I just... I just can't surrender to this all things. It's..."

"Unnatural?"

"Yes."

"It always will be like this? You back off then and now, cause you feel low?"

"I don't know. I'll try to adjust, but..."

"We will see."

"Yeah... Cas, you don't have to give me time. I... You deserve someone better for a friend."

"Guess, that is how friendship works. You're a dick, but I can't leave you."

Dean smiled.

 

* * *

 

Next evening Dean didn't show up at the library. It was Charlie's chance. She saw that last night didn't help them. With Winchester, she didn't have anything more to fight for. This stubborn idiot. Maybe Castiel will be different.

"You two need to talk. It won't make any sense until you tell him."

"Tell him what?"

"That you love him."

"It won't change anything."

"It will change everything. Listen. I know. It's scary. But you can't go on with it endlessly."

 

* * *

 

You shouldn't ignore your dreams, Missouri Mousley were telling Dean and Sam. Those words one Dean remembered alongside all her bitching he should keep his legs away from her table. He always thought then screw her and do it his way.

Dad left them with her when they were little. She was a wicked lady, but she took good care of them. She told them many weird things, but

You shouldn't ignore your dreams.

He barely dreamt, so he didn't take it seriously. Sam was always the one with better intuition, not him.

Now he knew.

Dreams were all he tried to hide, all he tried not to think about.

He couldn't do it anymore.

And he had no one to talk about it. Winchesters weren't good at talking about what it weight them, but Dean and Sam tried if it was heavy. They had only each other. Now they had nothing.

At afternoon Jody dropped by to Bobby and found a moment for Dean.

“Should I arrest you to finally see you?” she said when he saw him.

“It's better to not see me than seeing me behind the bars, sheriff. How's Sioux Falls' police going since it has the best boss they can imagine?”

“Always the charmer. It's good. It's a small town and with only two Winchesters to make troubles.”

Dean wasn't the only Winchester. He couldn't let them know. He could imagine how Dad would react. And for Sam, it was better to not change his polished vision of his older brother.

Dean could stay quiet and don't let anyone know. Probably. Although he was good at screwing things up.

“Something happened?” she asked. “You seem off and Bobby told me the same yesterday.”

“Little troubles with a friend.”

Everyone could see there was something wrong with him.

 

* * *

 

Cas came to salvage. Bobby showed him where Dean was.

Winchester was working. Cas could watch him all day covered in car grease. Repairing cars always made him smile a little. Cas was curious if Dean knew this little trick of his.

The mechanic looked at his arm to see how came to him.

"Hi, Cas."

"Hello, Dean."

"Any problem with the car or you're just passing by and drop in to say hello?"

"Second."

Dean smiled.

"See, I repair your car, so it won't make any trouble."

Dean was radiant this day. How would it change if Cas told him...? He didn't want to try it out. It was better this way.

Once again. Castiel Milton was a coward.


	13. Chapter 13

Cas went to work. Charlie looked at him but she didn't say a thing.

She knew.

Maybe Cas' expression told her what happened. That he didn't say to Dean what he was supposed to. That he was a coward.

Cas somehow made it through work. Dean didn't show up, but he told him this day he was going to help Benny and he would go to him right after his shift at salvage.

It didn't matter. Cas wouldn't tell him anything again.

Following his routine, he spent half an hour past closing, then he closed up the library and went home. He had time for thinking, but it didn't bring him to anything, so it was no different from dreaming – the only thing he was good at.

What if he told Dean? Was there any possibility that it would end well? The best scenario was with Dean saying they could still be friends, which was a lot, but not exactly what Cas wished.

I shouldn't be so greedy, he reminded himself. And still, he wanted something more.

Maybe it was his flaw. When he got close to someone he wanted more than he should. He didn't know how much of this was the fault of his misinterpretation and how much of it was only his greed.

Cas didn't want Dean to become one of his mistakes. There were too many of them.

So Cas dreamt. It was easier. And if he made a mistake, next night everything would start from a blank page.

He could love Dean.

And he would be loved back.

In real life, everything was already halfway written and easy to destroy.

 

* * *

 

Dean couldn't stop thinking about strange Cas' behavior. That day Benny, and now, the day after, Ellen, noticed it. They asked if anything happened, but nothing really happened. What could he tell them? Cas didn't say something he wanted, it seemed weird. Dean needed to stop thinking about it.

First Dean should clear things up. How? What should he tell Cas? He didn't even know what he should tell himself? That he didn't feel anything towards Cas? Lie. That he was only a friend? Lie. That all Dean wanted was friendship? Lie.

Dean could show the world tired eyes and faked smile. He could act like a good soldier, listen to Dad's order. He had done it whole his life, it had become his nature. If only he could lie to himself, it would be easier.

He only hoped he will figure something out. He hurt Cas once and he didn't want to make it twice. Maybe he works this up.

What he really needed to do now, was focusing on his job. The client ordered a drink. Dean looked at him passing him ordering. He saw there someone he didn't suppose to meet here.

Gabriel. Cas' brother.

"Didn't expect to see you here."

“Bar like any other. I didn't know you work here.”

“I didn't mean Roadhouse. I meant this city.”

“I had some stuff to do. Family things” he took a sip of his drink.

"That bad?"

"Family meetings always feels like the end of the world"

“I met your sister, Anna She didn't seem bad...”

“Yeah, I know. You two got really close.”

"Chicks dig me."

"Everyone's noticed it already."

“What's your problem? Or is it just running in family?”

“You know how Cas reacted to it?”

Dean tensed.

“Yes, I know,” he said. He wasn't blind. He hurt Cas, no matter in what word he tried to put it. And he couldn't forget about it.

“You can run around each other, playing whatever game you want. But if you hurt him again...”

“I won't.”

“Good,” Gabriel drank in silence. After an hour, four drinks later, he spoke to the bartender again. "It's... It's not only family meeting" Gabe took a sip of his drink. He was asking himself why he started talking about it to a stranger. "It's funeral. Our mother died. That's why I'm here. I needed to tell Cas and Anna in person.”

"Oh. My apologize."

"At least Cassie stopped bitching and said he would come for the funeral."

“When?”

“When did you become so caring?”

“I know I hurt him. I won't make it twice. And if there is anything I can do for him, I will.”

“Day after tomorrow. I should pack my ass, but I never hurry up to meet my folks.”

Gabe stayed till midnight. An hour later, Ellen told Dean to go home. He kept thinking about what Gabe had told him.

Maybe I should call Cas? Dean wondered for a moment. He could always count on him, another way it never worked till now. It may complicate everything between them more. Maybe it was better to step away and forget about whatever was between them.

Everything was already complicated.

Cas could always hang out.

Dean called him. After a minute, Cas picked up.

“It's late,” he groaned.

“Yeah. Did I wake you up?” Dean smiled a little.

“No,” Cas answered after a pause. “Did anything happened?”

“I met your brother. Gabriel.”

“He told you?”

“After few drinks everyone gets talkative.”

"I thought he hated you."

"Nothing brings people closer than shitty families... Do you want me to come to your place?” Cas shouldn't be alone now. But maybe he would want it.

“I don't want to make you any troubles...”

“Like I never made you any troubles. So, I'm such pain in the ass, you won't let me inside?"

"I'll let you. Even though you are a pain in the ass."

Dean heard laughter.

 

* * *

 

Cas sat on the couch after Dean's call. He didn't expect it. He didn't know what to do. Maybe because it was late already. That day was tiring. Arguing always tired him, he used all his force in it and he had to surrender at some point. This time it wasn't different. He agreed to come for the funeral, to come home.

Nightmare was becoming real.

He heard the doorbell.

Cas pushed himself to stand up, walk to the door and open them.

Dean.

He really came.

“You came quick.”

“I have a car for something, right? Can I come in?”

“Yes, of course,” Cas let him pass. “I didn't expect anyone tonight, so...” he started. His apartment was a mess. He didn't have any strength to clean it after Dean's call.

“So you let the hurricane went by?”

“I suppose it would be hard to stop a hurricane. I didn't

Dean went further. Cas' apartment was never an example of tidiness. It was rather a collection of many things their owner forgot or didn't want to throw away. Even though most of them had been in cardboard boxes or in some useful order. Now, they were left on the floor.

“When Gabriel came, you throw at him everything you had?” Dean guessed.

“Anna was here too. Most of it I made when they had gone out,” Cas looked down. “I have to return home.”

“For how long?” Dean glanced at him.

“For the funeral.”

“So... Few days?”

“Yes.”

Do you hate that place that much? Dean restrained himself from asking this. It wasn't a good moment to drag out Cas issues with his family. Dean wanted to comfort him. Yet, he got to see how little he knew about his friend.

“Where is it?” he chose to ask. This question was more neutral, safer.

“Seattle.”

“Far away.”

“Around five hours by plane.”

“Yeah, I guess. You need a lift to the airport?”

“Gabriel will come for me. He wants to make sure I won't run away.”

“Do you want a help in escaping?”

Cas smiled.

“I appreciate it, but I can't always run away from everything.”

Like we're running away from each other, Dean thought. It wasn't a good moment to debate this.

“I don't know much about funerals. Dad doesn't like them. And... When Mom died, there was nothing to bury. It was only symbolic. We moved out before the funeral.”

“He didn't let you say goodbye to her?”

“I was four. Sam had like six months. I knew she was gone. And there was nothing to say goodbye to,” Dean sat on the couch. He looked again at Cas. “Sorry. My family drama overflows everything.”

“That is a trait of your character.”

“And you deal with it?”

“Do I have a choice?”

“If you still let me violate your privacy...”

“So, maybe I deal with it. We should go to sleep.”

“Really? Okay, just lend me some blanket and I'll be good.”

“Dean Winchester will behave? Unusual.”

“You earned special treatment.”

“How did I get so lucky?”

“I was just generous today.”

Cas went to his bedroom for a blanket. He loved when Dean was here when he stayed for a night when they talked without ending in the middle of the night.

“Thank you for all this,” Cas passed him the blanket.

“Cas... What did you want to tell me yesterday?”

“It doesn't matter now.”

“Will you tell me when you come back?”

“I will. I promise.”

 

* * *

 

Cas woke up. He checked the hour. Eight am. He could come back to sleep. He could. But he heard muffled by door noises from his apartment.

Dean.

He was really here. It wasn't a dream, even though it felt like one.

Cas got up from the bed and walked sleepily to the kitchen. Dean was here. He drank coffee leaning on the kitchen cabinet.

“Morning, sunshine,” Dean smiled seeing Cas' grumpy face. “Want some coffee?”

“Yes, please,” Cas sat by the table. “You closed the door to my room?”

“I didn't want to wake you up,” Dean passed him a cup. “You didn't tell me when you have your flight. I guessed if Gabe still didn't show up, it meant it isn't in the morning.”

“Afternoon. Around three pm,” Cas sat by the table.

“Good. We have time to eat breakfast.”

“You don't have to go to work.”

“I called Bobby, I would come later today.”

“Dean, it's too much...”

“Shut up. You deserve special treatment today.”

 

* * *

 

Dean went out for work. Cas took his time to pack for those few days.

He looked through his apartment to see if he didn't forget about anything. Rooms were looking so gloomy and empty.

He took his bag and went out.

He was coming home.

He was coming to his family.

He didn't want it.

First, he met Anna and Gabriel. They came for him.

“It's good to see you” she started.

Cas didn't say anything.

The black dress didn't fit her. So did sadness.

Gabriel was quieter, without his usual attitude and smile. Like it was only a part of him. Less than a half.

They went together to the airport and didn't speak till they got to the place.

 

* * *

 

Cas preferred to stay in a hotel for a night. No one had ever listened to him. They stayed at their family home. All the Egyptian plagues in one place. It wouldn't end up well for anyone. But no one had ever listened to him.

“Whole family together.”

“Unfortunately” Cas sighed. His gaze spotted the trouble.

Lucifer.

"Hello, lil brother. I thought I never got to see you again. Do you miss me?”

“No.”

“Cold as always. And you're still in that little... Sioux Falls, right?”

“Yes.”

“Why so long? Someone wants you there?”

Castiel didn't say a word. In this silence, Luci found an answer to his question.

“Cute. Cassie found himself a friend. Again someone who use you and threw up? Maybe I should come around and see how things are going?”

“Stop it” Gabe cut it off. “It's not a place for this.”

He couldn't protect Cas from everything. He couldn't protect him from next trouble. Michael. Castiel tried to avoid his sharp gaze, but it reached him. He couldn't hide for eternity.

"You came," brother came to him. How unusual for him.

"Like everyone wanted."

"Maybe you stop dramatizing and grow up like everyone wants."

"Not in near future."

"Can you at least not make a scene tomorrow on our mother funeral?"

"It's probably my treat of character. But don't worry. You don't have to deal with me long. I'll go away as soon as I can."

"Running away will help you with everything?"

"It has worked so far," it was the last word he said that evening to his family. Maybe they were even heard.

After dinner, Cas went to his room.

His room. It hadn't changed since last time he had been here. It hadn't even changed since he finished college. Cas himself hadn't changed at all since then. He was still the same worthless, hopeless past drug addict who stuck to various people. There was nothing healthy in his life. He was like a disease to this family.

His cell rang.

Who did still care about him?

Cas looked at the caller name.

Dean.

He picked up.

"Are you still alive?" he heard Dean smooth voice.

"I think so."

“How are you?”

“No good.”

“Should I hang out?”

“No.”

“Okay. I'll stay with you,” and Dean started talking about anything. Work, weather, food, last call from Sam. Whatever to fill up the silence. Cas sat and listened to his voice. He needed this so much. It made him feel that he wasn't alone.

“Are you still here?” Dean asked with a little smile in his tone.

“Yes,” Cas forced himself to answer, to not show in his voice that he was sitting with tears in his eyes. How did he deserve Dean?

“Good. I thought you fell asleep because of my talking and talking. Maybe falling asleep wouldn't be bad.”

“I'm awake,” Cas smiled a little.

“And ready to complain about your family?”

“Yes,” he took another deep breath and wiped off a tear of his face.

 

* * *

 

Next day was the funeral. It happened too soon, too quiet. No teasing, no arguing between the siblings. Morning ran away from them faster than on a usual day and they needed to face the ceremonial. Everything went with its order, tradition. Mother couldn't just disappear without tormenting them for the last time.

Cas watched as the coffin was put in the grave, how it traveled lower and lower. Some more prayers and they buried her. Good. That was her place. However, he felt like it didn't change anything. It just brought few minutes of silence to their lives.

While this time, Cas repeated to himself it was going to end soon. That kept him in one piece. He had to stand here and made it to the end. No matter how much he wanted to run away, how much he wanted to scream.

Although it was over. Cas returned to Sioux Falls first flight. Anna rested for longer.

 

* * *

 

Cas didn't called that evening. Neither did Dean. He only waited for a message from his friend sitting at home. It would be weird if he called him every evening. The day before it had already felt weird.

Dean tried to focus on the book he had borrowed from Cas' library.

“Dean...” Dad went to his room. He looked at his son surprised. “You really read? And what? You will want to go to college?”

“Just needed something to kill time.”

“So maybe help me with the car.”

“Yes, sir,” Dean put the book down.

It didn't suit him.

Reading, playing guitar, thinking about some guy, waiting for a call from him All about Cas wasn't like him. He was easy, booze, women, and cars. Nothing more. He screwed up everything else.

Or maybe only with Cas, he was himself.

 

* * *

 

Cas returned to Sioux Falls. Did it change anything? He still was worthless, he was still running away, he was still hiding and dreaming. He never took a risk. He never did the first step. He only stepped back.

Cas notice Dean in the airport.

“What are you doing here?”

“I thought you would need a lift,” Dean smirked.

“How do you know when I come back?”

“If yesterday was the funeral, I betted you wouldn't stay longer. Checking flights isn't hard.”

“You're good at betting.”

“I told you so.”

Cas smiled.

“I have to believe you more.”

“I hope so. Looks like you made it.”

“Thanks to you.”

“Okay. Let's go home.”

And now what? What should we do? Keep running away from each other? Keep running towards?


	14. Chapter 14

Every relationship in Cas' life ended painfully. Why would this time be different? Because he wanted it? People don't get what they want. They get what they take for themselves. And Cas didn't know if he can take it.

This evening Dean didn't come to the library. Weird. Lately, he remembered about it or at least he called Cas if he couldn't make it. Maybe again they were getting further from themselves. From their weird relationship.

Cas waited half an hour longer after closing. When this time passed, Cas stood up and he began to close the library. Would he get used to it? To the empty and dull days. At least wasn't painful.

He went out.

Dean was sitting on the stairs to the library.

“Dean...?”

The man looked up at him.

“I argued with Sam.”

Cas closed doors with a key. He approached his friend. What could he do for him? He sat near him. What next?

“It's going to be alright. You two will make it up.”

“Maybe. I thought what if once we have a fight and we don't make it up.”

“It won't happen.”

"Your angels... I wanted to believe there is something watching over us. But there is no one. There never was."

“Dean,” Cas reached his hand towards him. “Let me help.”

“How will I repay you?”

“You won't. But I don't mind.”

“It isn't right.”

“Does it have to be right?”

“I can't, Cas. I can't go on like this anymore. I can't come to you and cry out all my problems instead of handling them. I'm pathetic.”

"No, you aren't. Sometimes you're stronger, sometimes you're weaker, it's okay. It's normal. You can take more time coping with it. You'll be good, right, but now, you should let someone be close to you"

“You're always saying something like this.”

"Dean, you are enough" when he looked into Dean's eyes. His lips trembled. He turned his gaze away. "I love you" he whispered.

Dean turned his eyes. What did Cas say? What...? He had to mishear it. He couldn't...

Cas spoke up again.

"I love you. Every shade of you, weak, strong, all of you. So, please, don't speak lowly about yourself," he looked him into eyes. "Let me care about you."

Dean turned his eyes away. Why in this moment couldn't he think of any reason why it was a bad idea, why they couldn't just flip into _I love you_ stuff? They just couldn't... It was not... It felt right.

Dean raised from the stairs. He needed to go. Anywhere. Just... His mind went blank. What should he do now?

“Dean...?”

“We can go to your place.”

“Okay,” they went to Dean's car. Driving calm him a little. They went to Cas apartment. All way they were quiet.

"Do you want tea?" Cas asked when they came in.

"Yes," Dean needed something with alcohol, but it wasn't the right moment for getting drunk. He sat on the couch and waited till Cas returned to him.

His friend came with cups of tea. He put them on the table. For Dean's he stretched further. Shirt uncovered his tattoo.

Dean's fingers brushed on tattooed words.

"Do you like it?" Cas asked without moving his body.

"I wanted to touch it."

"Why?"

Dean didn't answer. He just brushed his fingertips again along the spell. If he let him go, Cas could disappear from his life and Dean wouldn't find him. Why everything has to be so difficult? In his head, it seemed simple. He couldn't just voice the right words. There were countless doubts and... He couldn't. It was...

Dean looked up into blue eyes.

"Cas, I... I need time."

 

* * *

 

Dean needed... He needed time. He... He couldn't say that... Not looking at Cas' eyes. He couldn't tell him all those things he kept repeat himself. It's sick, it's wrong, they shouldn't, they can't, they... All those things lost their meaning when he stared into blue eyes. But when they weren't together everything was back to normal. It was more and more painful.

He should think about it. Count pros and cons, but he wasn't good at thinking. Better at being told, but not really good at it too. Maybe he should take the risk and _start his own life_ as everyone was telling him. What does it mean? How to do it without losing his family?

But he didn't think it through. He wasn't the one to make a decision. He would only make mistake.

He didn't spend the night at Cas' place. He couldn't. He and Cas... It wasn't right.

And why he felt like it could work out?

 

* * *

 

His shift at salvage next day ended sooner. He didn't get himself a job for an evening, so he stayed with nothing to do. He couldn't go to the library. Not now. So he chose to wander around in the city.

"Dean...?"

He stopped when he heard it. He knew this woman voice. He turned around and then he saw her. Anna. She stood half turned from the direction she'd been following. In her arms, she was holding some books. On the shoulder, she had a bag and a folder like those which artists carry with them. Right, the night they'd met, she'd been sketching.

"We're always running into each other," Dean smiled.

“I live here,” she answered.

“Really?”

“Yeah. And I often go to Cas' library.”

“So we always pass each other?”

“Now, when we know each other, we notice each other in the crowd” she walked towards him.

Dean noticed her black clothes.

“I heard about your mother. My apologies.”

“Thank you. We have now little hard time, but it wasn't like we didn't expect it. She was ill. It was only matter of time... Do you want to talk somewhere? I know good cafe around the corner.”

“I... You know, I have a moment."

She smiled. “Follow me,” she turned around and walked towards her primary direction.

Dean followed her. She knew how to intrigue him.

The coffee shop was few steps in the direction Dean had come from. He rarely came into those, so he didn't even notice it no matter how many times he went this road.

"On me. I recommend their pies"

"Really?"

She smiled and went to the counter.

"Chai Latte" she ordered.

"Pecan Pie and black coffee," Dean added.

He wanted to help Anna with her order, but she held her books under her arm and held her coffee cup with her free hand.

She took one of the tables. She went right to it, so it had to be her usual place here. They really often passed each other.

She put her coffee and her books and notebooks on the table. She hung her bag and her folder on a chair.

"You used to come here?" Dean asked.

"Yes, it's halfway between my job and my apartment."

"I thought your family didn't stick together. Why do you live so close to your brother?"

"Living in the same city doesn't mean sticking together. I got a job here. I don't have any problem in seeing my brother."

"And he has some?"

"We can easily argue, but it isn't like we can't stand each other."

"I still have to learn about your family relations."

"They are not that hard to understand."

"Maybe I need more time..." his gaze wandered to his slice of pie. He took a bite of it. He had to admit it was good. "Yours?" Dean pointed sketchbook.

"Yes,” she passed it to him. ”I took one of my old ones which have some free pages. I wanted to exercise today... I don't have any sketches of you if you're looking for them."

"And Cas'?"

"Maybe I have something" she took her sketchbook. She turned to the beginning. She folded and gave him.

Cas was sitting on the parapet. Eyes looking at the floor, messy hair, a joint between fingers.

"When was it?"

"Four, five years ago. Joints calmed him. But it was no longer my brother. Only a shadow of him."

Dean gave back her her sketchbook.

“Why did he start doing drugs?"

"It isn't like him, right? You see, my family is wealthy, controlling, airless. Mom and Mike, my brother, tried to raise us a little autocratically. And in isolation. Cas struggled and struggled, but he couldn't break free. It was painful to watch. He tried to be good. In such situation, you can't be good. You submit completely or rebel. He met someone. Alone he would do anything...”

“That person got him to the bad company.”

“Yes. Every one of us started our own life and he happened to be near when Mom started to get worse. He was obligated to stay with her. He was lonely. Then he met her,” Anna frowned for a moment. “I guess her name was Meg.”

“What was she like?”

“I didn't meet her. I only heard about her, but she seemed like, you know, one of those endless party girls.”

“Drug, sex and rock'n'roll?”

“Maybe you're right,” she smiled.

“I called Cas like this few times.”

“Yeah, she changed him. He separated from his family... After her, he moved out, stuck to various people, made some other mistakes. And he's ended here for now.”

"What about you?"

"I rebelled and ran away too."

"And after becoming an artist, you forgave your family everything and returned to be the good child? In airless isolation?"

"It's an unusual situation. My mom... She was getting worse and now..."

"That was why you and Gabe kept nagging Cas to think about his family?"

"I can't speak for Gabriel, but I was talking with Castiel few times about Mom's situation," she looked closely at Dean. "You really care about him."

"I was curious and your brother helped me many times. If I can do anything for him, I'll want to do it."

"Cas is so different."

“From who?”

“From me. From our family. He was always different from us" she turned her gaze away. "I was jealous. He could just stick up to people he met. Not always, not always in the healthy way, I think it's still better than being in my own isolation.”

“He isolates himself too.”

“Although he let you close.”

Dean knew it. Cas let him get so close he was hurting him.

"Maybe. Thanks for pie."

"Dean...” she touched his hand stopping him from going out. “I know you want to escape. It's all over your face. I don't know why" she took back her hand, but Dean stayed with her. "I... I know my brother loves you. Now I know about it."

"He told you?"

"No. I figured it out by myself. I'm his sister. I know him."

"If you say so. What do you want me to do? Do give him a chance?"

"No. To stop running away. You're both like this and it won't help you."

"Thanks for the advice, but I'll take my life in my hands."

"Of course," she smiled slightly. "I just wanted to express my opinion."

"It will be taken into consideration."

"Good," she smiled.

They walked out the coffee shop. Anna stopped. She squinted her eyes.

"Something happened?" Dean asked.

"Yes. Troubles."

 

* * *

 

Cas got a message from Anna. She hardly ever contacted him. He opened the message:

_If you can, get out of the library._

_Why?_ He typed back.

_Luci is coming in._

Too late, Cas thought to see his brother in the door.

"So, here you're working," Luci came straight to the librarian's desk.

"Yes. I'm working, can you..."

"I'm just looking around. Maybe I borrow a book?"

Cas sighed. He prayed it wouldn't turn out bad. That Luci only came it, went out, would get away from Sioux Falls in the nearest future.

He observed his brother. Suspiciously, he hadn't done anything bad. Only look around. It kept Cas conscious.

At least Dean wouldn't show up in the library. After what Cas had told him... At least he wouldn't meet Luci, it was good.

Cas took his cell and typed back to Anna that their brother was already here.

She came to him.

She cared. How unusual.

"I came as soon as I could," she told him.

"You didn't have to."

"I prefer that Dean won't meet him."

"Dean won't show up."

"Why?"

"I... It doesn't matter."

"How can you tell what he will do? He may surprise you."

Cas rolled his eyes. Alright, she knew him better, of course.

Luci came to them.

"Whole welcome squad?" he grinned.

"Yeah, you should call that you're going to visit," Anna told him back.

"Just a few days. Seeing how you two are going."

Yeah, sure. You're concerned, Cas thought.

"Speaking of which," he looked at Castiel. "Where is your friend?"

"I think I scared him."

"You are not good with people."

"As always."

But it didn't end the subject.

"Anna, you know his friend?"

"Yes. Dean Winchester. He's a good man. I talked with him few times,” Anna threw in.

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah. We always run into each other. Though we live in the same city.”

“Maybe I should move in too. Seems like fun.”

“One brother in the city is enough of problems.”

“It will get too crowded around your boy?

“I only met him few times. Dean is Castiel friend.”

"But as everyone, he left our poor Castiel alone."

"Temporary."

"Hm?"

"Everyone has some problems, but we overcome them."

"How beautifully spoken. You believe it? That's why you're running from one job to another, every in a different city. Both of you. And somehow you two ended in the same city. With the same Dean."

"Accidents happens."

"Michael was obsessed with fate thing, remember? Whatever. They had any good bar in this shit hole?"

"There is something," Anna answered him.

"Good. Maybe Castiel chose something?"

He nodded. Everything was better than Roadhouse where they could meet Dean.

 

* * *

 

Dean went to bar. He couldn't go to Roadhouse. Ellen would see that something was bothering him. He couldn't go to Cas. He was the center of this whole mess. And he had more important things than some drunkard in Sioux Falls.

Dean needed to drink off all mess he had in head. It hadn't helped him last few days, but still, it was better than standing in his mind sober.

Some jerk was bugging a girl next to him. Usual in such places, but on Roadhouse Ellen interfered. Such a pity that girl meet this asshat here.

"She said, she doesn't want to" Dean groaned at him.

"Knight in shiny armor, huh?"

"Just someone a little more decent than you. It's not hard."

"You're looking for a fight, Ken doll?"

"At least with someone comparable. I don't need to make myself better using weaker."

"A such a wise man... You know" man approached him. "You're pissing me off."

He punched Dean in the face. Winchester didn't expect it so quick, but he'd gotten worse than that. Alcohol rushed through his veins, but if he could stand still, he could beat this bastard.

Dean wiped his face with a hand and returned a punch. Right into this man face. Hard.

It only heated up the fight. Mobster pushed him on the counter. It hurt.

Dean touched his eyebrow. Blood. It got cut.

It went too far.

The man used his moment of distraction. He pushed him.

Dean felt on the floor.

His adversary didn't give him a moment to stand up. He sat on Dean astride. There was no way out. He could beat him as long he wants.

Dean lost. He was a complete loser. By any criteria.

"Brother, stop!"

Dean froze. This voice. It couldn't be... No. No. No...

"Cassie, you're ruining whole fun" mobster stood up.

"Back off from him" voice grown with force. It made mobster smirk. He wanted to laughed it off, but Cas punched him away.

Dean watched it paralyzed. He didn't believe what he was seeing.

Cas approached him. He was still looking so gently at him. He was still seeing him the same way.

Cas helped Dean stood up. Everything hurt him, but he leaned at his friend. To feel for the last time his presence.


	15. Chapter 15

Cas took Dean to his apartment. He didn't want to hear any objection. Winchester stayed quiet. They broke the silence when they got to the place.

"You're that stupid to fall in bar fights?" Cas murmured looking at Dean's beaten face.

"Guess that makes two of us" he smiled.

Cas calmed himself.

"You're hurt."

Dean stepped away. Most of the signs of the fight were covered by his clothes. But they were still there when Cas looked at him.

"Dean, please, let me..."

"Cas. Let me go home."

"No."

"Why?"

"You need help. Sit."

"I'm that pathetic?" Dean smirked, but he sat on the sofa as he'd been told. It wasn't a good time to start an argument.

"No. It's because you're hurt" Cas came to him with first aid kid. He left it on the sofa. He went back for towel and bowl with water.

"You know how to treat wounds?" Dean asked watching his movements.

"My brothers are troublesome. Almost like you" he sat by him. "Give me your hands."

Cas cleaned Dean's hurt fists. They were sore, a little grazed. They weren't even bleeding now. But Cas treated them with solemnity. He washed them by putting them slowly into a bowl with water. He dried them gently with a towel. He applied an antiseptic on them. And every little touch Dean felt he didn't deserve it. Delicate caressing hands weren't meant for him. Bar fights, drinking too much, lonely night and licking his own wounds - it was his life. Not sitting on a couch when someone was treating his injuries.

And the worse is a part of him wanted even more. He wanted to catch his hands, to bring him closer, to touch his skin, to kiss his lips, to feel his warmth.

Cas took a cotton swab and wetted it. He moved closer to Dean to clean his face. He brushed it gently over the right eye. As Dean supposed, he had cut eyebrow. Nothing serious if it had already stopped bleeding. A little itch, but Cas took his time to treat each injury.

Dean couldn't object. He could only sit and watch his movements, his care, all things he didn't deserve.

 

 

When Cas finished, Dean caught his hands. He didn't want to let him go.

"I regret only one thing" he leaned to Cas. Green eyes staring into the blue. "That night I should kiss you longer."

Their lips brushed. This time Dean didn't step back. He waited for the answer. They stayed close. Eyes closed. Listening to each other breaths. Cas leaned forward tying their lips into next kiss. Dean moved his hand into his hair. If it was really happening, he didn't want it to stop.

Cas caressed his back. Those warm gently hands shouldn't be meant for Dean. He didn't deserve it. But Cas kept giving him more and more, so he started melting. If a man didn't hold him, he wouldn't be able to sit still.

Cas rested his forehead on Dean's. He looked him in the eyes. Asking if it was good, if it was right, if he could take more, if he could go further.

It was rather pleasurable than good or right, but now Dean didn't give a damn. He leaned toward next kiss. Cas took Dean's face in his hands. He caressed his cheeks with his thumbs without breaking the kiss even for a second. He wouldn't let him run away now. But also he secured him. He helped him let go of all his thoughts. Stop overthinking it. Sink into this.

Cas moved his hands. His fingers ran through Dean's hair. When they got to his neck, Cas backed off giving him choice to end it.

Dean stayed.

"I should treat your other wounds" Cas breathed out trying to calm down after kisses.

Dean nodded. He removed his jacket, then his shirt, uncovering scratches and bruises. And reddened mark on the arm where Cas had grabbed him pulling him out of that bar. Nothing serious. It will fade in a week or less. Nothing was broken or swollen.

Cas took the anti-inflammatory cream. He massaged it into reddened marks on forearms and arms. To make this skin flawless again.

Dean took down his undershirt. Another layer of clothing slipped down. Now, nothing kept Cas from looking at his bare chest rising and lowering with every heavy breath. From noticing tattoo, black pentagram in fire circle. From moving his gaze down with the lines of muscles.

Cas hold his breath for a moment. He tried his hardest to focus. He brought his shaky hands to Dean's chest. He had to treat his wounds. Nothing more.

It'd become far more than nothing more while ago.

He finished. He put back everything to first aid kit.

"Cas..." Dean's voice was shaking. He caught Cas' sleeve and pulled him closer. "Come here."

Cas felt Dean's lips again. They were soft. He kissed them, licked them, sucked them, bit them. He took Dean's face in his hands again.

"If you weren't such an idiot to get hurt..." Cas said between kisses.

"I wouldn't be here,” Dean backed off a little. “What now? You tell me to go home?"

"I don't want to."

"Good” Dean kissed him.

Cas dared to move his hands lower. To Dean's chest. He avoided bruises. He had learned where they were. He had many other things to learn. Every muscle line, every shape made by freckles, tattoo on the chest, few scars from yet unknown past. Cas smiled. A dream came true. He got to know this man.

Dean's hands went down Cas' back. His fingers curled on the edge of Cas shirt. He hesitated. For one kiss, two, three. Many avoided and few faced stares. Some heated Cas' touches. Dean put his hands under man's shirt. Hot. Hotter than he expected. Nicer than he imagined. Better than he dreamt.

Kisses became messier. More of their attention went to them touches, brushes by their fingertips, grips by their hands.

Cas pushed Dean down on the couch. He stopped. Panting, he watched Dean's body. He touched him gently. Some places where reddened, some even started turning blue, but even with it, every inch of him looked beautifully.

“Should we stop?” Cas asked. His voice was rougher than usual.

“And wait another half a year to get to next base?” Dean smirked.

Cas lowered to Dean. He kissed his lips. He moved his hands alongside his body. He didn't want to hurt him by pushing any bruised place, so he kept brushing his fingertips against Dean's skin.

Was it really happening? Good dreams don't usually come true.

Dean pulled Cas closer. He needed him. He never wanted anyone so much in his life. And Cas listened. When he felt Dean's hands on himself, his warmth, he knew it was no longer a dream. He lowered and sank into a kiss.

Dean's fingers kept unbuttoning Cas' shirt. They had time. All nights of their life. All seconds between kisses. That one night Dean let himself daydream. His fingers after went further and opened Cas' fly.

Cas' hand went down to Dean's crotch. He tried to open the fly. Dean helped him. He couldn't wait. They both wanted something more.

Cas rubbed them together. It felt too good.

Dean moaned. He gripped Cas stronger. He bit his lip to control his voice. He started to tremble. He tried to calm his breath which showed every ounce of his pleasure, but he failed with every touch.

He was a mess. And Cas never saw anything more beautiful than this. There is no better feeling than having a person you love in your arms, trembling from pleasure. There is no more beautiful view than Dean getting close to climax. He opened green eyes. He let his fast breathes to be accompanied with quiet moans. His cheeks reddened. His muscles were tensing and relaxing. Beautiful.

Cas cummed watching him like this. He stroked Dean few more times.

“You're so beautiful,” he said it loud.

Cas took wet towel left on the floor to clean them. Again he was too gently for Dean. It was more than Winchester could bare even in post-orgasmic haze.

"It's okay, it's okay" Cas whispered to his ear.

It was all Dean needed.

"Let's go to bed, okay?"

Dean nodded and let Cas guide him to the bed, undress him completely and surround him with an arm when they laid down.

 

* * *

 

Someone rang to Anna's door. She looked at the clock. First am. Whoever it was, he had better good reason to come here.

She raised from the table where she tried to fill the pages of her old sketchbook. Since she returned from the bar, she hadn't finished anything only started some still nature. It had been three hours. She got away from her family as soon as she could. She was no good in dealing with her brothers. With any of them.

She went to the door and opened them.

Luci. He'd gotten into a fight. She had seen him like this many times. It wasn't as bad as other times, but still, she could notice it.

“Aren't you too old for this?” she crossed her arms.

“You missed whole show” Luci smirked. “Cassie doesn't get so pissed off often."

"Come in, I'll match you up," she let him inside and closed the door after him. "What have you done?” she went to the bathroom for some first aid kit supplies.

"I wanted to try this Winchester," he sat on her couch.

"Who won?" she returned and sat by him.

"Cassie, as always. He punched me. Back then, no matter how much he wanted to, he was afraid I fought him back. And still, I can kick his ass."

"But you didn't this time."

"It wouldn't be fun."

"Right" Anna rolled his eyes.

 

* * *

  
Dim light flew into room revealing their secrets. Dean woke up first. Slowly he got up. Sitting on the bed he looked at his own body like he didn't recognize it. It was bruised and sore after last night. He stretched his arms to get rid of some pain in his body. He felt relaxed. Strangely relaxed. And happy.

Cas wrapped his arm around his waist.

"You're awake?" Dean looked at him.

"Kind of."

Dean smiled and laid again by his side. Looking at him was giving him another dose of pleasure. Messy hair, sleepy eyes, bore chest, some hickey around his neck, scratch marks on his whole body. It also brought Dean to reality. How did they end up this way? And what would they be after it?

Cas noticed his uneasiness. He widened his blue eyes, it took Dean effort not to lose himself in them.

"Dean," he said with husky, rough voice. "What's wrong?"

"What now?"

"Maybe we'll try to be together?"

"I'm no good with relationships."

"Neither am I. We can try to be no good together," Cas smiled, but Dean was quiet. He brushed his cheek. Maybe it was too bold, but the memory of the last night encouraged him. “Dean?”

“Maybe I should sleep on the couch,” he wanted to get up, but Cas touched his hand.

“Was wrong?”

“I'm using you. Whenever something goes wrong in my life, I come to you and...”

“I let you do it.”

“It's no good...”

“You helped me too. You've done so much for me.”

“Like what?”

“You've helped me get to the people. Thanks to you I befriended with Charlie. I got to the end of my novel on which I was stuck for years before you helped me. That is not anything.”

“It is not everything. I never was near when you had a hard time,” Dean looked at Cas. "I hurt you so many times."

"You didn't mean it... Dean, I do not intend to force you into anything. I can wait. We can take time..."

"We can try," Dean throw and looked away. “We need to get up.”

“Why?”

Dean looked back at him.

"I'm not a person who would spend a whole day in bed."

"Why not?"

"Food."

"Okay, you won" Cas smiled.

Dean sat on the bed. He felt sore and beaten up earlier, but when he needed to move it was worse.

"Shit... I don't even know which of those give me your brother and which you"

"Hm... I can show you."

“I don't doubt it,” Dean got up. “I'll make you breakfast.”

 

* * *

 

"What happened with your first crush?" Dean asked when they finished breakfast, but felt too good with each other to return to their lives. "You've known about mine, so..." he looked at his face. "You don't have to, it isn't important, it's..."

"You were my first crush."

For a moment Dean lost his breath.

"Why did it end?"

"It didn't...” Cas looked away. “It was easier to say this than to explain that I was in love with you... You'd barely know me and... I'd loved you for months. It would look like I had an obsession. But maybe if I told you this earlier..."

"I made you quiet.”

“You shouldn't blame yourself... You needed time.”

“And all I've done was running away from facing those things as long as I could..."

"Facing what?"

"Everything. You, all those feelings... It freaked me out. It still does" he dared to look into his eyes. "Not when I'm with you. Now it seems like bullshit, but..."

"You can always call me or text me."

"I'm not always sure if I deserve it."

"My attention? I'm going to give you all of it."

"Tryin to spoil me?" Dean grinned and shifted closer to Cas.

"I want to."

"And if I turn a brat?"

"I will love you and spoil you more."

“You have a really bad crush on me.”

“Too late to fix this.”

Dean chuckled.

"You know...” Dean started again. “I had an obsession. I always thought about you. I tried to stay away. I thought it would be better..."

"You can always step out."

Dean nodded. He didn't want to step out.

 

* * *

 

It was all weird.

It wasn't the first relationship in Dean's life, but... All his reason faded and lost their importance. It only stayed dull feeling something was like it shouldn't be. But no one has to know. He deserved a piece of happiness like Cas had been always telling him. Or he didn't? Maybe it was too much to ask, that's why it took so unnatural form.

He didn't want to overthink it. He was happy. He was so happy as he'd never been in his life. The only thing he asked for was to feel like this for a little longer.

When he saw Cas, all those bad thoughts disappeared. Everything returned to its places. For Cas Dean was good enough, he didn't need to fear anything. And he wanted to feel like this for the rest of his life.

Dean stepped into love.


	16. Chapter 16

“You can't always run away,” Anna threw over passing him the books she wanted to borrow. Castiel looked up at her. “I sent Lucifer back home, but you know what happens when he got interested in something.”

“I'm not afraid of him,” he took the cards from her books and handed them back to her.

“You think Michael will come?” she asked taking them.

“Sooner or later.”

“And there are still succession matters.”

“I'm not interested in anything from our family.”

“Even though, you will have to sign few things...”

“It means I will have to come back there again.”

“Is home that bad?”

“It was never a home for me.”

“So what is it?”

“I don't know yet.”

His cell buzzed with an incoming message. Cas looked at the display. Dean. He opened it.

_Can I borrow you?_

Cas smiled.

Anna looked at him interested in his change of mood.

“Is it Dean?”

“Yes.”

“At least one step forward. Good luck with him,” she took her books and went out the library.

His relationship with Dean was like a dream came true. From that night three days passed. Dean kept visiting the library. They talked. After closing, they wandered around the town. They took it slow. They didn't try to run away, to hide, to deny. They chose to keep dreaming this dream.

It felt nice.

Cas typed an answer to Dean.

When Charlie came back to her desk he said to her: “Charlie, I will need to finish today earlier,” it was all she needed to know.

“Okay. Have fun.”

Cas took his trench coat and went out the library. Dean was waiting for him.

“Did Charlie suspect anything?” he asked

“I guess no,” Cas smiled and looked around. “Where is your car?”

“I don't want to return for my baby as far as here.”

“Where do you want to go?”

“Away from people we know.”

Cas would always go with him. No matter where.

 

* * *

 

Dean didn't want to run away. He just couldn't bare how Charlie looked at them. She knew. It was a matter of time before she would start to talk. He wasn't ready for this.

Maybe he never would be.

Anna knew about them too, but she only smiled passing him. She kept it as a sweet secret between them. It didn't feel wrong.

Dean took Cas to the pizzeria Jo had recommended him.

“She didn't say I would have to wait for my whole youth to get something here,” he groaned waiting for his order. He looked at Cas amused by his impatience. “However we can kill some time.”

“Do you have anything in mind?”

Dean leaned lowered over the table closer to Cas.

“Since nobody knows us here, we can talk. Get to know.”

“Is there anything that interests you in particular?”

“Anna once told me once you had a friend. Female. Bad company.”

Cas lowered his eyes. “Her name is Meg,” he said quietly.

“Anna wasn't sure about the name.”

“And?”

“I am curious. You're never talking about yourself and people who mean something to you."

"Meant. We aren't in any kind of relationship now. We lost contact."

“In what _kind of relationship_ were you then?”

Cas lowered his eyes.

“Friends. As you said.”

“You slept with her?”

“It happened. Few times.”

“So she wasn't just a friend.”

“She was less complicated than you,” Cas dared to look up.

“I am so problematic for you?” Dean smirked.

“Complicated.”

“What's a difference?”

“You aren't unpleasant. I don't know what to do around you.”

“Around her, you knew?”

“It wasn't hard to figure out.”

“Although she was your bad influence.”

“You can name it this way.”

“There was someone after her?”

“ Someone else who did influence me?”

“Was there anyone else in your life?” Dean rephrased his question.

“Hannah. This time I was a bad influence.”

“How?”

“She was married.”

Dean didn't expect it. He knew nothing about this man. And he wanted so much to get to know him.

“How did it happen?”

“She took me as a hitchhiker.”

“I should start taking them too,” he smirked. Maybe he should get away from this subject. It didn't seem pleasant.

“We traveled a bit together. After it, she returned to her husband.”

“Oh.” Great, Winchester, you're screwing this up. Dean looked away from Cas. When their order finally came, he begged that pizza would be good enough to take them away from their talk.

“You know,” Cas spoke up changing the subject. “I've never been in love before...”

“Before Meg? Hannah?” Dean teased him.

“Before you” Cas looked up.

“You fell for a terribly wrong person.”

“I know,” Cas smiled. “Now I have to deal with it.”

“Oh, such a poor thing,” Dean took a slice of pizza.

“Sometimes it all feels like a dream.”

“Maybe it came true?”

“Or I got better at dreaming.”

“I'll make it real for you. Do you want to come to my place? I'll make you something better than this," Dean looked disgusted at a bitten slice.

"Your place?"

"Dad is going for a hunting trip with Bobby. Home will be empty whole weekend and I thought... I'm like a high schooler."

"Is there something wrong with it?"

"If I'm with you than not."

"Really?"

"Like I could hide anything from you. You're driving me crazy."

"Good. I like you like this.

“Weirdo,” Dean said and returned to his pizza. Maybe it wasn't that bad after all.

 

* * *

 

Dean looked around his home. He had half an hour before Cas would come. The place was clean. He always tried to keep their home away from looking like a drunk hideaway. Lasagne was in the oven. Maybe it was easy, but he didn't look like someone who could cook so it wouldn't surprise. He could have done something better for Cas...

He needed to calm down.

Dean tried to approach his emotions rationally. Or rather he tried to explain to himself why he shouldn't feel like this.

He had been in a relationship before. They weren't long, but it was still something. Had he ever invited a girl to his place? He couldn't remember. Maybe it was only for a quick fuck when nobody was at home. He wasn't romantic. And he had never his own place. There was always Dad and Sam.

It didn't matter. He needed to calm down. He acted like a damn high schooler.

Dean needed to do one more thing before Cas would come to him. He needed to make a call.

“Bobby?”

“Something's wrong, son?”

“Just want to make sure you're still on good terms with Dad.”

“He's driving me crazy, it's his favorite sport, but we're still on the hunt.”

“Can you keep him with you there until tomorrow?”

“Why?”

“Someone's coming at my place.”

“Okay. I'll make him stay here till tomorrow morning.”

“Thank you.”

That was all he needed to prepare.

 

* * *

 

Cas never was at Dean's place before. He didn't know how to imagine it. He didn't know how much this home was Dean's. Now he got his chance to find out. The home was clean and more organized than Cas'. Someone had to look after it. So it was really Dean's. It wasn't only a place to sleep, but it was a home.

One thing that really surprised him was that he didn't notice any photos. Weird for such close family.

"You don't have photos?"

"We have photos. Just not in frames to catch dust from shelves. I keep some under a pillow. Some of them, Sam took to college. The rest Dad has in his journal."

"Can I...?"

"You're in such rush to get into my bed?" Dean chuckled. He kissed Cas. He looked him into eyes. "You can see them if you want to."

"I want to."

"Okay..." Dean took his hand and walked with him to his bedroom. He pushed pillow off and took photos. He passed them to Cas.

Few family photos of kids, Sam and Dean – Cas supposed, of John Winchester and of a young blond woman. That had to be her, Mary. At the last one, she stood alone, smiling. Dean took after her that smile.

"She's beautiful."

"Yeah... Dead moms are always like that, right? Or there is nothing else to say. It's just a photo of a woman to you."

“Dean...”

“It doesn't matter. Come on, let me make you something amazing.”

“Better than your breakfasts?”

“Yes.”

“You convince me.”

Dean smiled and left the room. Cas put photos gently on the head of the bed and went after him.

 

* * *

 

"Do you want to stay?" Dean whispered leaning at Cas arm. After dinner, they stayed for watching some of the movies the Winchesters gathered in their home.

"Can I?" Cas looked at him.

"I stayed few times at your place."

“And slept on the couch.”

“Two times in bed.”

“Which one of those is this time?”

“Well, my bed is too small for the two of us,” and before Cas sighed, Dean added. “We can sleep on the couch together.”

“Are you okay with this? We will be on display when anyone comes.”

“If Dad comes early, Bobby will call me.”

"And are you okay with me staying here? Do you want it?"

"Cas... Stay."

"I will."

"Good," Dean kissed his lips. He touched his face. Cas was here. It wasn't any dream or delusion. They were here. Together. Making their dreams come true. It was too good to be a Winchester's life. He was going to screw it somehow. Maybe not tonight. They had time to complicate things.

"I'll spread the couch," Dean kissed Cas again and stood up. He needed to prepare the couch before they got too far like that night. He took the beddings he had prepared and left in his room. He came back.

Cas was standing now, waiting for him.

"Do you need help?"

"No,” Dean answered too soon and then corrected himself, “but if you stay a bit closer, it might help me."

Cas smiled and came closer. He embraced him from the behind. Dean smiled. He missed this feeling. He missed having Cas so close to himself.

After Dean put the beddings on the couch, he turned to his lover.

"Can I kiss you?" Cas asked.

"Yes, you can."

Cas kissed him. Gently. He grabbed Dean tighter, but he didn't move any further.

“You're only what I tell you?” Dean smirked. He leaned to Cas' ear and whispered: "You won't press me to the couch and kiss the fuck out of me?"

"Is it something you want?"

"I want it."

Cas pressed his lips to Dean's. He gribbed his hips tightly. Dean leaned at him.

"Where did go the part with the couch?" Dean laughed.

"I take my time."

"And if I don't want you to..."

Next kiss came quicker. It took away his breath. And a sense of stability for a moment, but Cas still hold him firm. He let him go only for a moment to take of Dean's shirt and his lips returned to his lover's. His hands went through the freckled body. Now it was flawless, free from bruises and grazes. Cas could discover it again. And he didn't rush. He took his time. He wanted to get to know it well. He wanted to remember it.

His lips traveled from lips to cheeks, eyelids - this caused laughter. To temple, neck - those two called out a moan. Cas slid lower. He kissed Dean's chest. He ran his tongue alongside lines of muscles. Dean shivered beneath him.

Cas returned to his lover's lips. He was told to press to the couch and kiss, he had already gone further. He wasn't good at following orders, but he didn't want to go too far and hurt him.

Dean pulled his hands to Cas' body. He clutched his fist on his shirt. He brought him closer. He wanted more than kissing. Even more than last time. And by looking into the blue eyes, he could tell it was mutual.

“Cas, I want...”

“I'll give you all you want.”

Dean trembled. He loosened his grip. He melted from those words. Cas could be sincere about it, it was just a talk, but when Dean looked into his eyes, he knew. Everything word was true. Blue eyes stared at him so intensely, so longingly.

“Condoms...?” Cas asked him.

“In my room. In the nightstand.”

“I'll go for it. And...”

“Lube should be there too.”

Cas raised his eyebrow.

“My life is interesting,” Dean smirked. “You can do various things with women.”

“And with men?”

“I don't know. You're first.”

“We don't have to.”

“I want it.”

“Okay,” Cas raised from the couch. He went to Dean's room. He could only think about his lover left on the couch. About all his sounds, all his moves...

Cas found what he was looking for, calmed down and returned to the couch. His breathing became heavier when he saw him again. Dean took this moment to completely undress. He was gorgeous. It didn't matter Cas had seen him bare before. He was breathtaking.

Cas sat by Dean. Maybe they shouldn't. It wasn't a good moment for doubts. Thankfully, Dean helped him with it.

“You still have clothes,” he murmured.

“You can change it,” Cas smiled. How easy it was to pull him into a game.

Dean moved closer to him. He removed the shirt. He brushed his hands along Cas' body. He watched it closely. He licked his lip. His hands went lower. He opened Cas' fly. Dean's breath trembled.

Cas caught his gaze. He needed to say one more thing.

"I'm clean. I tested myself after drugs. Since then I haven't been in that kind of situation."

“I haven't check myself in a while. I think I'm clean. Lately, I rarely slept around...”

“It's okay,” Cas took Dean's face into his hands.

“You're making me thinking about weird things.”

"Don't worry. I take care of you." Cas' hand ran low on Dean's body. To his cock. He squeezed it. Dean gripped his arms and started to rub himself onto Cas' fist. It wasn't enough. He wanted more.

Cas loosened up his grip. His hand moved lower. To Dean's anus. Cas took his time to stretched Dean. He took a bottle of lube. At first, it felt weird. Tight, even for one finger and lube felt cold. Looking into Dean's eyes he worked a steady rhythm. He added the second finger.

Dean wanted more. More touches, more heat, more sweet words, and praises. And he didn't want gentle. He wanted a storm. Hurrican. Losing every bit of control he had in his body.

"Cas, get me out of my mind."

Cas took his fingers back. It felt odd. Empty. Coldly. But Cas didn't leave him for long. He put a condom and he entered Dean. Slowly, attentive, trying to avoid any harm. Too slow. It felt different. Ticker. Better. It worked its way in a different angle. Dean held on him.

Cas gripped Dean's hips tightly. He moved in and out. Slowly, without paying attention to Dean's nails biting into him to speed up. Keeping him near the edge was better. And the best part was watching him giving up to pleasure. As he shivered, he moaned. As he was so close, he couldn't fight it anymore. As he cummed. Cas needed only this to be satisfied.

After it, they stayed in bed. Cas embraced Dean. He caressed his back. He knew how easy it was to get lost in wrong thoughts. Dean let himself too much, so he was drowning in self-hate. Cas could tell it all from his silence, turned away gaze, frowned face.

"You're so good for me," Cas said caressing Dean's hair.

"Your expectations are really low."

"They aren't low."

"How do you know it?"

"Cause only you match them."

 

* * *

 

One night Dean found a CD player at Cas apartment. He felt obligated to teach his lover good taste in music. First, he took Cas for shopping.

“Sam will come for a weekend,” Dean threw like it didn't matter while searching rock stall.

“When?”

“Next week. Cas, what if... What if he notices?"

"I don't think he will mind... we can behave as we used to. We didn't change..."

"We did."

Cas touched his hand. Dean shivered and looked back at him. Cas couldn't afford to lose him again. Leaving him alone and giving him time didn't help. He had to be with him.

"I..." Dean forced himself to speak up again. "I wondered what if..."

"Do you think your brother won't support you?"

"I don't know. It scares me. That I don't know."

"It's okay. It's going to be okay" he brushed his fingers along Dean's arm.

"I'm feeling like I risked too much and I'm going to lose everything..."

"I'll be with you. It's okay, it's okay."

 

* * *

 

Everyday life didn't disappear. They still had to deal somehow if it. Nothing changed other than them. And it made everything harder. They couldn't avoid it. Even if John Winchester and Dean didn't spend much time at home, they still worked together at Bobby's salvage.

"You're never at home" John threw.

"Yeah,” Dean tried to keep his cool. “I'm seeing someone."

"Couldn't keep your pants up long?"

Laughing it off. He didn't expect anything more from Dad, but still, everything that he did or said hurt Dean. Why? Why couldn't he get immune to it?

Maybe Dean deserved it. He was shaming this family with every his breath. It was always like this. His relationship with Cas was only one out of dozen symptoms of it. Like he was sick, but there was no cure.

Dean waited as Dad went off. Then he let himself for a moment of breathing. He would make through it. As always. Now, he was not alone.

But he felt worse than he had ever been.

“Dean?”

Dean shivered. Bobby. Right, he wasn't here completely alone. He needed to come back to work. He liked this job, he couldn't lose it.

“Sorry, I drifted off,” he said and returned to work.

The old man sat near to Dean's workplace.

“I heard..."

"Bobby, you don't have to..." correct all Dad's mistakes, but Dean kept it to himself. He should be grateful, but all he could feel is what was missing from his life, how all of this was fucked up.

"I want you to know I'm happy for you. Finally, you ain't alone."

"I can take care of myself."

"You can take care of everything, but not of yourself."

Dean sighed.

"So, when you introduce her to us?"

Dean kept quiet. He would never do it. He didn't want Bobby to look low at him. There were two persons who Dean didn't want to disappoint. Bobby and Sam. In Dad's eyes, he was already a failure. But them, they were his only family. He needed to keep them away from this.

“It's complicated” Dean threw. He had to say something.

"Okay, son. You don't want, you don't have to,” Bobby stood up. “But don't be afraid of us, we're your family."

"No, it's just started. Don't know how long it will be last."

"Okay. Just telling there is no need to be ashamed of it."

It didn't matter what Bobby said about it. Dean was ashamed. He was before John spoke up about it. Dean always heard his voice in a back of his head. This voice was always telling him he was a disappointment.


	17. Chapter 17

Cas woke up. He stretched his arm to silence raging alarm clock. He had to get up. He needed only few minutes. Mornings became easier. Even with empty space on the other side of the bed. This night Dean didn't stay. They would have to back off till Sam leave Sioux Falls. But Cas believed that everything would be fine.

He got up, turned on the coffee maker, checked what left for breakfast. He took leftovers from yesterday dinner. Dean had cooked it. Cas put them into the microwave and started few minutes cycle.

He returned to making coffee.

Everywhere in his apartment, Cas could see Dean's presence. His side of the bed, his clothes in the closet, his towel hanging in the bathroom, his toothbrush near Cas', his DVDs on the floor next to the couch, the CDs with his favorite music around player. Their worlds collided and mixed. And Cas loved it.

 

* * *

 

Nothing changed. That was Sam's first impression. He thought it before when he came for Christmas, even sooner, but this day it hit him. It was eight months since he went to college. For him, it changed everything. He finally had his life. He finally didn't have to worry about Dean, Dad, moving out. He finally could breathe. But in Sioux Falls everything stayed in the same place. Even the air made him choke. Every problem he didn't want to face was waiting for him.

It didn't let him forget, even for a moment that he didn't change, he only ran away. And he should stay gone. Like Dad said. Dean always repeated that he always had right. Maybe this one time he really had it.

“How are you doing at college?”

Always this question. This time from Bobby. Sam smiled and started talking. He saw Dean didn't handle this as good as he had previous times. Sam knew it would happen sooner or later. He abandoned his family, he left them. He couldn't hurt his brother more than this.

When Bobby left them alone, Dean couldn't stay quiet about it any longer.

“Do you even care? About us?” he asked wiping his fingers from grease in the cloth.

“I do, Dean.”

“You left.”

“Maybe you should too?”

“I won't do it.”

“Because you think you're so much better than me? You won't run away. You prove how strong you are if you persist all of this?” Sam looked him in the eye. He would never say that going to Stanford was a bad choice. It was the best decision he ever made.

 

* * *

 

The atmosphere became too heavy between brothers. Sam needed to leave. Even for a couple of hours to clear his mind. He went to the library. It was the only safe place here. Lack of changes there was reassuring.

Castiel was still the librarian. Sam went to him.

“Hi, Cas. Where is Charlie?” he thought pretending he came here to see a friend would save him from telling the truth.

“She took a day off. Comicon.”

“Oh, right.”

“You had a fight with Dean?”

“Yeah,” he lowered his gaze. He knew he shouldn't make out more problems for Dean. He had already left him here with Dad. Sam was ready for scolding.

But Cas didn't do it. He only asked:

“Can I let him know where you are?”

“You can.”

“Thank you,” Cas took his cell phone and typed a short message.

“You're still friends?”

“Yes,” Cas smiled a little and put his cell aside.

“Is everything okay with him? When I'm gone?”

“He still had to get used to it, but he's getting better.”

Sam looked at him to find a lie. Everyone tried to hide from him what was happening here. He should focus on studying, not on his family problems.

Cas didn't lie.

In exchange, Sam let him know the truth:

“When I'm here, I feel guilty, that I left him.”

“And when you aren't here?”

“I'm glad I'm away from all this...”

“And there is nothing wrong with it. You have your life. Fight for it.”

“And Dean?”

“I think he's trying to start his own.”

“At least he has you here.”

“I'm trying to be for him whenever he needs me.”

Sam nodded. He didn't leave Dean all alone here. Things would work out, they needed only time. He smiled a little. It was easy to get lost in wrong thoughts here. He forgot about it. Thankfully, Cas brought him to right headspace. He owed him.

Cas spoke up again:

“Since we're waiting for him, we can talk about your college.”

Sam smiled. He used to talk with Cas about anything. At least the good things didn't change as well.

 

* * *

 

Dean came to the library. He wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do. Maybe he should give Sam more space. He didn't run away from Dad. He ran away from Dean. They had arguments before, but this one felt different.

He needed to calm down. Overthinking this wouldn't help. Luckily, Cas was here. His presence soothed Dean.

“Thanks for the message,” he said when he came to them.

“I know you're too prideful to ask me for help.”

“Sam? You want to come home?”

“Yeah. Bye, Cas,” and as soon as they left the library he asked Dean: “You didn't want to stay longer and talk with Cas?”

“I have him for the whole time. You, on the other hand, only for this weekend.”

“Dean... Am I a burden to you?”

“What?” Dean stopped next to his car.

“Do you want to me come back here from time to time?”

“What the hell are you thinking? Of course, I want you here.”

“I just don't want to disturb your life.”

“Cas told you something weird?”

“No. I just thought...”

Dean sighed.

“Sam. I'm happy that you come home. I'm proud you went to college. Nothing else matters.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

 

* * *

 

Somehow they made it. As always Dean could count on Cas. Maybe it wasn't good. He should take care of it by himself, but the most important was that it was over.

“He's always lost in thoughts,” John threw. “He got himself a girl,” he added

“Really?” Sam looked at Dean.

“He's never at home, getting late to work...”

“I got hookups before and no one cared,” Dean said. He stood up and went to his room. It wasn't a subject he wanted to touch with his family.

After few minutes, Sam came to his room.

“Can I...?”

“Yeah,” Dean sat on his bed. “What happened?”

“I just wanted to talk,” he walked in unsure.

Dean rolled his eyes. Of course, he wanted to talk. Why was his love life the most interesting subject in the world? Couldn't they quit talking about it?

“So, something did change.”

“Lately... Everything got messed up.”

“Are you happy? With your messed up life?”

“I think I am.”

“Good. You deserve to be happy. Don't listen to Dad's crap.”

“I was always telling you that.”

“See? I grow up.”

“Shut up, bitch.”

“Jerk.”

 

* * *

 

Sam hesitated between letting Dean have some secrets and satisfying his curiosity. He knew his brother wouldn't tell him anything, but he had other sources of information. He went outside and called Charlie. A little look around wouldn't hurt anyone.

“Charlie, hi. I'm home for a weekend.”

“Shame, I'm out of town with Jo. Comicon.”

“I know. Don't worry, I'll be coming back. Charlie... I wanted to ask you something.”

“Okay. What is it?”

“What did happen lately with Dean? Wasn't he strange?”

“Well, he and Cas are weird all the time.”

“He and Cas?”

“Dunno. They really stick together. It's all I can say. Dean scolded me too many times for my guesses.”

“Okay. Sorry for taking for time.”

“It's nothing.”

“Have fun.”

Sam ended the call. He should ask Cas about Dean. But if there was something happening between them, he didn't want to disturb them.

He let them hide whatever they were trying to hide.

 

* * *

 

Sam left on Sunday afternoon. Nothing bad happened. Dad didn't do anything stupid. Dean could finally breathe out.

Benny asked Dean for help in the dinner. One evening. As usual. Why not? It would be good to keep his mind away from everything that could go wrong at Sam's visit.

“Not a big rush today,” Dean said to his friend.

“Yeah. But I would have a problem to take care of it by myself.”

“That's why you have me,” Dean smiled.

Benny smiled. “Dean?”

“Yeah?”

“You would drop by for a barbeque at weekend? I invited girls. Charlie and Jo.”

“Why not.”

“And you can come with your boyfriend."

"What? You...” Dean sighed. There was nothing to hide if he knows. “You knew?"

"You came with him few times here. It's all over for face, chief."

“Okay, I'll think about it.”

 

* * *

 

The evening after Dean took a shift at Benny's, he acted weird. When he came to Cas' place, he was too quiet, absent. Something was wrong.

“Let me wash the dishes. You made dinner,” Cas walked after him to the kitchen.

“You made groceries. And I made the mess, so I clean it up.”

“Dean...”

“What?” he looked at his lover with a smile. “I like cooking for you. And I want to thank you. You really helped me with Sam.”

Cas let him do it by himself, but he stayed in the kitchen with him. He learned to give Dean space. He would talk, he needed time.

“Benny is making barbeque this weekend,” Dean spoke up after few minutes.

“And?”

“Do you want to go with me?”

“I don't think it's...”

“He knows.”

“Did you tell him?"

"No. He figured it out by himself."

“Charlie knows too,” Dean looked at him. “Maybe we didn't try hard enough to hide it,” Cas smiled gently. “The question is: do you want to go with me? There will be your friends and even if they already know about us, they will ask.”

“I can survive this.”

“Are you sure?”

“I'm not. I don't know what to think about all of this. But we won't live under a stone for the rest of our life.”

“I don't mind if it will be with you.”

“Lately everything played out well. It makes me bolder.”

“But if you want to back off, we can do it anytime.”

“Okay,” Dean put the last plate away. He turned to Cas. “Can I stay tonight?”

“Yes,” Cas walked towards him. “You don't have to ask.

Dean embraced him. He kissed his neck. Nothing else mattered now.

 

* * *

 

"Morning sunshine, want some coffee?"

Cas groaned and opened his eyes.

“I think I need one,” he said trying to sit on the bed.

“You don't need to rush, we still have time,” Dean passed him a cup.

“Whole life will be like this?”

“You're looking far in future.”

“Just hypothetically.”

“Till we don't start to argue who should wash the dishes.”

Cas smiled and drank his coffee. He checked the hour.

"You don't need to be at work?"

"Bobby let me come later few times a week."

"Why?" Cas put the empty cup on the floor.

"I'm dating someone."

"Really? Who?"

"Dumbass" Dean kissed him. "Breakfast?"

"Sounds so good" he purred. "You're spoiling me.”

“This time you're washing the dishes,” Dean threw when he got up from the bed.

“Okay,” Cas slid under the duvet to get few more minutes of sleep before breakfast. He loved this life so much.

 

* * *

 

Dean prayed in thoughts girls wouldn't bring up the subject of him and Cas on the barbeque. But they couldn't act like nothing changed. They just couldn't.

“Don't look at me like that,” Dean groaned at Jo.

“You've gotten yourself someone for more than one night. Of course, we will look at you like you're insane” she said. "How did you two finally end up together?"

Dean felt like he was in some chick-flick movie. He wanted to jump off the window.

“We argued and it went somehow,” Cas shortened.

“Forgot you're the masters of details,” Charlie sighed.

“We leave it for a better occasion,” Dean added.

“Which? Your wedding? Am I invited?” Charlie didn't let him get away.

“If you keep on asking, then no, you are not,” he got away from this subject. He was good at hanging out with people, but this time he felt suffocating. As soon as Benny wanted him to help him with barbeque, he got out.

Girls guided him with their gaze.

"After all your drama and tragedy, it's good you get there," Jo said to Cas. “He needs someone.”

“I don't think I'm good enough for him.”

“You are. Really,” Charlie assured him.

 

* * *

 

“You're good?” Benny took a close look at his friend.

“Yeah. I needed space.”

“I shouldn't have invited girls?”

“No, it's good. I... It's still so weird to be open about it. I know it isn't fair to hiding things away, but I...”

“You thought I could change my mind about you?”

“You would never?”

“You're like a brother to me. I'll never let you down.”

“Thanks, Benny,” Dean looked back at Cas. “He's no good with people, I shouldn't have left him.”

“Go. I'll take care of it.”

Dean returned to girls and Cas.

He looked at him.

Nobody's here to judge you, he told himself, they are all friends.

Dean kissed Cas. For the first time, he didn't hide from anyone.

 

* * *

 

Cas and Dean wanted to spend more time together. They took a walk without a real destination point. Only wandering around, talking, being together. They loved it the most.

"I didn't know you would show affection in public," Cas still teased him about that kiss.

"I needed to."

"Possessive? I didn't know you from this side" Cas giggled.

Dean took his hand and brought him closer.

Cas looked around and shuddered.

"We're close to your place."

"Dad isn't at home."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. He's drinking at Roadhouse at this hour. We're safe. We can kiss all night and he won't know anything."

Cas kissed him. Lightly. He loved doing this.

Dean noticed some movement behind the window. He backed off.

"Shit,” he tried to calm his breath. He couldn't. He looked at his lover. “Cas... Go home.”

“What?” Cas looked at him worried.

“You need to go. I can handle it. I'll handle it myself."

Dean didn't wait for Cas to go away. He only took a deep breath that didn't help and walked towards his home. He came inside.

Maybe Dad didn't see anything, maybe he didn't see anything, Dean kept repeating this to himself. John's gaze dispelled his doubts. He knew. He looked down at Dean. More than before.

"It's shame, you can't even be a man," he said only and returned to his beer. His son didn't deserve more attention.

Dean shivered. He didn't know what to do. He wanted to disappear, to hide as far as it was possible, but he couldn't even move.

He needed to catch his breath. He needed to move. He had to. He went to his room. There wasn't much to pack. He kept repeating to himself majority of his stuff had been already at Cas' place. It didn't help. He didn't have anything. Few photos, few clothes. That's all. He zipped his bag and threw it on his arm. He looked through the room, but there didn't rest anything he could take. He turned to the door. He walked out. He knew he wasn't going to come back here. Never.

Dad passed out on the couch. Usually, Dean would cover him with a blanket at least. Now he was too scared to approach him.

He noticed keys to his baby on the table. Right where he left them before going to Benny's. Before he screwed up everything. He had no right to this car. He wasn't worth her.

Dean walked out the house. He went to Cas. By foot. It was shaming.


	18. Chapter 18

Dean came in the middle of the night.

"Can I stay?" he asked.

"Of course," Cas let him enter. He closed the door after him.

The first night, they didn't talk. Dean fell asleep on the couch. Cas watched over him. In case of any nightmare, he was right beside him. It was all he could do for him. It looked like Dean didn't have any dreams. He was too tired. At least couple hours of rest will be good for him.

Around six am Dean started to wake up.

“Did you sleep well?” Cas asked.

“Good enough,” Dean got up. "Have you...?"

"I didn't sleep. It's okay. Do you want breakfast?"

Dean nodded.

"Cas, can I stay..." he looked at him to see if he could do it.

"Of course. As long as you want."

Breakfast, work, everyday routine. In Cas' life, nothing changed. Like nothing happened. Nothing showed that Dean's life had fallen apart.

 

* * *

 

It passed three days since Dean came to Cas, and he didn't quit his apartment by this time. For Cas, it wasn't long time avoiding social experiences. But for someone like Dean, just sitting at home and doing nothing was unnatural. It wouldn't make him feel any better.

Cas sat on the side of the bed.

"Dean... You can't stay like this forever."

Dean groaned and covered his head with a pillow.

“Do you want to eat something?” Cas tried another subject.

"Don't bother with it. I'm not hungry."

“Dean... You need to eat something. I'll make something"

"I thought your cooking always ended with a disaster?"

"I'm with you, so there is someone to save me. I can cook something... Okay, barely. But someone invented instant meals."

"As soon as I get better, I make you dinner."

"Sounds nice" Cas kissed his forehead. "But now, let me take care of you"

“Okay.”

Dean watched as Cas went to the kitchen. After, he watched the wall. What the fuck was he doing? He needed to move, to do anything, to talk.

Dean went after his lover to the kitchen. Cas heard his footsteps when he was right behind him. He wanted to turn to him. But he stayed in his position.

Dean leaned his head on Cas' shoulder.

"Thank you" a little whisper came out his mouth.

Cas didn't try to help Dean like he was some disabled child who couldn't do anything. He wanted only to be, to stay by his side, so Dean wouldn't feel so alone struggling with his life. He didn't judge, he didn't force him to anything. Dean was so glad he had met someone like him in his life. After dinner he brought himself to talk.

“You know... When mom died I shut down completely. I was a kid then, but I still had... I'm still doing this. I push everyone away, I don't talk, I... I have to talk. I can't shut down. I can't,” he took a heavy breath.

“Dean, if you need time...”

“I took enough time. Cas,” he looked him in the eye. “You were right. I can't stay like this. I have to go out. Do something. Or I lose my mind... I just need to start talking,” he looked into Cas' eyes to reassure himself. He kept going. “When Sam was here, I was afraid I got similar to Dad. I was wrong. I'm worse.”

“Dean...”

"I shouldn't be acting like that..."

"Like what? Falling in love? It happens. He should be proud, he should be happy..."

"He never is."

"Then leave him behind," Cas looked Dean in the eyes. “I know it's easy to say, but sometimes you can let go.”

“He's my family.”

“He is not your responsibility.”

Dean looked away.

“Can we not talk about him?”

“Of course.”

Cas would do anything for him

 

* * *

 

Dean should start small like he was told to, but he had things to do. People he couldn't let down anymore and didn't want to avoid. Dean went to salvage. He shouldn't drop out from a job like that. He shouldn't do this to Bobby.

"Oh, thank God. I was worried about you, son" he hugged him. Dean didn't deserve it.

"I'm good now" he breathed in and out before speaking up again. "Where's Dad?"

"I fired him."

"What? Why?"

Bobby looked him into eyes.

"He threw you out, so I didn't want him here."

"It wasn't exactly like this..."

"So how was it?"

Don't make me say it, don't make me say it, he prayed in thoughts. He had to tell Bobby everything. It will be their last encounter. He had to be honest with him.

"I decided to move out."

"So suddenly? Son, maybe I was born in the night, but it wasn't last night."

"I... I didn't feel I was supposed to be there. I... I didn't feel worth it" every word was tougher and tougher. And Bobby didn't take any of his bullshit.

“Why?”

“I had done something wrong.”

"There is nothing that would make you deserve such treatment. What had you done?"

"He saw me. With someone... Kissing..."

"And he should be happy."

"With a man."

"Does it change anything?"

What? Dean thought he had misheard it. He had to mishear it.

"Balls. Dean, you don't believe in this crap, right?"

He did believe in it.

Bobby sighed.

"So... That person you're with, is it him?"

"Yes."

"Looks like it lasted.”

"Yeah, it does," Dean smiled slightly.

"So? When we get to know him?"

 

* * *

 

"Dean..."

The man walked straight to the couch. He sat on it. He still couldn't believe what just happened. He started telling Cas about it.

"I went to the salvage. Dad didn't work there anymore. Bobby fired him. Because he'd threw me from home" slowly sentence to sentence he was getting to the hardest part. "I told Bobby. That I'm with someone. With a man... He accepted it. He wants to meet you" Dean looked at Cas trying to figure out if he was understanding this situation correctly. Was it possible that something turned out better than they expected?

Cas was smiling gently.

"I knew. Your family couldn't abandon you" he hugged him.

"In opposite to the real one."

"We only knew your father's reaction, Sam..."

"Can we don't think about it tonight?"

"But he will come back here." Dean was silent. "How would you explain him you... You live with me for example."

"Friends can live together."

"Dean..."

"I'll think about it. Later,” he stood up from the couch.

“Okay.”

 

* * *

 

Next few days passed smooth. Even too smooth to be one of Dean's life. Cas was with him. It helped a lot. Everyone, except Dad, reacted positively knowing about him and Cas. Things turned out well. Maybe that made him want to complicate it.

“Any plans for today?” Dean asked Cas in the morning.

“Breakfast, editing, lunch, work, dinner, sleep,” Cas looked at his lover. “You want to make an appointment?”

“I thought... Maybe you can drop by to the salvage before work?”

Cas looked at him confused. Then he understood.

“Are you sure?”

“No. Have I ever been sure?” Dean smiled.

“Never,” Cas kissed him. “I will come today.”

 

* * *

 

“Dean! Someone for you!” Bobby called.

Dean shivered. It was happening now. Okay, deep breath, he could handle it. He backed off from his work and looked up.

It wasn't Cas. It was Jody. Great. Now, everyone wanted a family meeting.

He could call Cas and dismiss it. They could do it another day.

And then what? Wait another day and another? They needed to do it. The sooner, the better.

He walked to Jody. Maybe she would go away till Cas...

“What are you looking for?” Dean heard Bobby. He looked to see who came to the salvage.

Cas.

Dean needed to make it out somehow. It was too late to back off. He walked to them.

“Bobby... This is Cas. My.... My boyfriend.

“It looks like it lasted this far,” Bobby looked at Dean.

“Who would have known,” Dean smiled.

“Maybe you get me into it,” woman spoke up. “I'm Jody Mills. We haven't gotten a chance before to meet” she passed him his hand. Cas shake it.

“It's pleasure to meet you.”

“Dean, you have many to make up,” she looked at him. “I didn't even know you have someone.”

Bobby headed back to the job. It announced troubles. They couldn't do anything about it. They had to go on with a smile.

“How did you two met?” Jody asked.

Always this chick-flick question.

“I work in a library where Sam studied for his exams. Dean often came for his brother. We befriended and after it, everything complicated” Cas again took it on himself.

“I'd better go back to my job,” Dean said and furthered.

Jody and Cas stayed alone.

“I didn't pass?” Cas asked and looked where Bobby had gone. “He was judging me.”

“He only wants to make sure, Dean found himself a good person as he deserves. But you know, I'm a cop, I can sniff wrong” she smiled. “And you're good.”

Cas smiled.

“Okay, I leave you, boys. Unfortunately, everyone has its' jobs.”

He watched as she walked away. What now? He should go too.

When he stood hesitating about his next move, Bobby came to him.

“Can we talk? Alone.”

Cas walked after grumpy man. He felt anxious, losing Dean from his sight.

“Cas, right? Listen,” Bobby looked him in the eye. “Take care of this idjit.”

“Yes, sir.”

It was the only order Cas wanted to fulfill.


	19. Chapter 19

Dean enjoyed watching Cas. At work, while typing on his laptop, while reading, in bed. He never got this interested in anything before. Sometimes his whole world narrowed to those blue eyes.

Cas was typing again. Dean read a book on the couch and watched him. The phone called. Cas looked at his cell, waited for few rings and dismissed the call.

“Who called?” Dean asked.

“Gabriel,” Cas answered without raising his gaze.

“Why didn't you answer?”

“I don't want to get involved in a family thing.”

“Maybe it's important.”

“They called few times, so I guess it is important for them, but not for me.”

“They are your family. You can't just cut down the contact.”

“I have done it few times.”

Dean sighed.

“I can imagine what your brother is feeling.”

“Are you okay?” Cas looked at him closely. He and his staring. Dean smiled.

“Yeah, I'm good. Just... That thing" he showed at Cas' cell. "It is not far from what I have. But I'm on the other side of the phone.

"Sam called lately?"

"We are still in touch. But so many things can go wrong... If he finds out I'm...”

Everyone here knew. But what they really thought? It was good, it was bad? They pitied him after all this shit storm with Dad and let him be stupid for now? What later?

“Dean?”

He shook his head.

“I'm good. Really. I just need to catch some fresh air.”

“Do you want me to go with you?”

“Nah, I'll only wander around.”

 

* * *

 

Dean went to Roadhouse. Not to drink away his problems. He wasn't like this anymore. Or rather he wasn't that low at this moment. Dean only wanted to go out anywhere.

He didn't want to screw up what he had now. He needed to calm down and stopped projecting his problems on Cas.

"Bad day?" Jo gave him his drink.

"I've got worse. I just need to chill out."

"Whatever you need. Castiel know you're here?"

"I needed to chill out from him."

"Right" she rolled her eyes. Winchesters. He already had some issues. She looked around. There weren't many customers this night. She could tell him about her plans. "Dean," she had to tell him it. Better sooner than later." I thought about moving out,"

"Your mother will let you?" Dean chuckled.

"I... I would go to college."

"You changed your mind? Why?"

"Cause of Charlie. And Sam partially. We spoke... I was afraid college would be like high school. I would be again a freak with knife collection. But it is different. And Charlie said she would move out with me."

"Do what you want" he emptied his glass not looking at her.

“You're doing it again.”

“What?” he finally looked at her.

"You're saying that you don't care, but you sound like it's completely different."

"You hear what you want to hear."

"Dean."

"What?" he looked at her. "Okay. I don't like it. But you don't care about our opinion anyway. You wouldn't come with this idea out of the blue if you cared."

"I do care..."

"So, you're leaving your Mom like that? Going who knows where? Yeah, sure, it looks like you care."

"I will talk to her."

"At least you won't go without a word. Like it changes anything."

"What's wrong with you? It isn't about Mom. It's about you, Dean. You can't keep everyone here for yourself. We have our lives too. And in difference to you, we want to do something with them."

"Is it those days of a month..."

"Listen, asshat. You know how guilty Sam feels that he's gone to college?"

“I didn't force him to go or to stay. I was his decision.”

“And he feels guilty about it. He feels guilty that he chose to fight for his own life. Because of you. And now, you're doing the same with the rest of us.”

 

* * *

 

“It took you long" Cas threw when Dean came home. "Everything's alright?"

Dean stopped and looked at him.

"Cas, do I keep you here by force?"

"No," he frowned. He didn't understand.

“So why are you here? I bet you have better things to do than dealing with me.”

“Maybe. Then I'm losing my time on you. You know why? Think about for a moment.”

Cas' phone buzzed. He had to change it to vibration after morning. Still, Dean heard it.

"Answer this damn phone!"

Cas went to his cell only to dismiss the call.

"And you think it's the right thing to do?"

"Yes," Cas went to the bedroom and slammed the doors.

Dean stood in silence.

And you're sleeping on the couch, he said to himself. Great job, Winchester. Great.

 

* * *

 

When Dean woke up he saw Cas. He said next to the couch on the chair. It was weird for him to be awake so early.

Cas shifted uncomfortably noticing Dean had wakened up. There was nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. Although, there were no complaints. He didn't do anything wrong. At least not now.

"I dreamt about you and me," Cas said. He prayed Dean was too sleepy to catch the sense of his words.

"And?"

"It was a nice dream."

"Better than reality?"

Cas kept silent.

"Sorry, for yesterday," Dean spoke up and raised from the couch.

"I was too harsh too."

"So, we're good?"

"We're good" Cas stood up and returned to his bedroom.

Dean felt like nothing was good between them.

 

* * *

 

After work Dean didn't go to the library or straight to Cas' apartment. He couldn't bring himself to it. Should he try to make this up? He would screw it up again. It was only matter of time.

Dean went to Benny's. His friend left him a message, they needed to talk. Everything was already collapsing in Dean's life, so he wasn't afraid of any other complication. Till he heard it:

"John left."

"What?"

“He left home on me, so you want to take it or should I...”

“Sell it.”

"Dean..."

"I don't need it. I got all my stuff from there."

Should I pack my things from Cas' place too? That thought hit him. He could stay at Bobby's, it wouldn't be a problem, but he didn't want to think about leaving. Or about Cas leaving him. It felt surreal. But it could happen. Maybe he was overdramatizing his argument, but it didn't mean that someday they wouldn't screw it up completely. Like Dean always did.

He was losing everyone.

Benny coughed.

"What happened?" he asked when he gained Dean's attention.

"Everything screwed up," he sighed. "One by one everyone leaves Sioux Falls and I'm still here."

"What about Cas?"

"I don't know if it's going to last. I used to think that family survives together everything and yet we fell apart. With Cas... It's much more unsure. It could end any day."

"You're optimistic as ever. Something happened?"

"We argued yesterday. And I'm not sure if I should try to make things right between us."

"Try."

"And if it isn't a good decision?"

"You can step out."

"Easy to say."

"We can go off together. Chief, in this city there's nothing left for me. Maybe somewhere else..."

"It won't be better."

"It won't be worse."

He had right.

"Sioux Falls wasn't nicer to you than me. We ain't people who settle in. Of course, I don't force you. First, try what you have here."

"I know. Thank you. For wanting me."

"You're like a brother to me, chief."

 

* * *

 

Dean wasn't coming home. Cas sat alone on the couch.

Is it going to end like this? One day Dean won't come back to him? Cas felt that he wouldn't survive it.

Again his cell rang. He looked at the caller's name. Gabriel.

Cas should pick up. It was important.

He needed to finally do something.

He picked up.

"Finally," he heard Gabriel. "You don't even know in how big mess you get in," and he told him what was going on, what was going to happen. "So what are you going to do? Face them? Or leave your pretty boy and run off again?"

 

* * *

 

Moving around was the only way of dealing with their own problems Dad taught them.They were used to this kind of life. One month here, two there, and next somewhere completely else. Never two times in the same place.

Dean waited before the door to Cas' apartment thinking what he should say. How to express everything he felt?

Cas opened.

Dean didn't know anything. How to explain, how to tell him what to do, how to say him how much he means in his life. But it was okay. Even if everything cracked in him seeing this blue eyes. It was okay. Cas embraced him. It was okay. It was okay now. He was home.

Dean hugged him back.

Only two people knew about a message he typed after it, at night.

He wrote: _I don't want to leave_.

 

* * *

 

Few days passed in silence. There was too quiet for Dean's opinion. Cas kept something from him. It wasn't hard to guess, but he couldn't figure out what it could be. What else had he screwed up lately?

Dean went to Roadhouse. Partially to get himself out Cas' home, partially to drink this away. He couldn't do anything else. Only waiting till Cas snaps and throws him out. Or till he tells him what is going on.

Dean saw Benny. He went to him.

"You're still here, buddy?"

"Yeah. Leaving everything behind takes time" he studied Dean for a moment. "Sorry for bringing you into it."

"No offense taken."

"You found someone and I stepped into and mess with your head."

"We handled it."

"Not completely."

Dean sat silently. Why could he read him through so easily?

"Chief" Benny spoke up again. "You can always run away. But nearly never you can come back. When we come back, everything is different. We're no longer a piece that fits others' life."

"So, I should keep trying?"

"And try to talk with him."

Dean nodded. He ordered a drink. He didn't come here to get out sober.

His cell phone buzzed. He checked it. New message. From Cas.

_Where are you?_

_Roadhouse_ , Dean taped back. Cas deserved knowing.

_Do you want me to come there?_

Dean smiled. Cas still cared too much about him.

_Benny's with me, it's good._

"Chief, can I ask you something?"

Dean hid his cell in his pocket. "Yeah."

"Why are you sitting here drinking, when he's waiting for you?"

"I'm... I don't know what to do. I've given up everything for others. What else I have for him? I never know what he expects from me."

"Some good words and your presence will go."

"Plus flowers and chocolate?"

"If he likes them, it might help."

"Maybe you were right. It isn't like us to settle in."

"But you chose not to come with me."

"Maybe I chose wrong."

"You choose what you wanted. You wanted to settle in with your librarian. Try it. Be yourself. Be no good. Argue. Live and find out what it will feel like."

Dean kept it in mind. Benny was always right.

After drinking the beer he had ordered, Dean headed straight home.

"You came soon," Cas threw seeing him, but Dean could tell from his eyes that he was worried and sorry for last few days. They weren't entirely his fault. Dean wanted to make it up.

"I guess we should talk."

He sat by Cas.

And finally, they talked.


	20. Chapter 20

"I don't need you anymore," Dean said.

Cas trembled.

No. No. No. It couldn't be true. No. Please, no...

He woke up. Shivering, patting. It was just a dream. It was just a dream, he kept repeating to himself. It didn't help.

Warm arm embraced him.

"Bad dream?" Dean said with a sleepy voice.

"I've never had them."

Dean hugged him tighter. He kissed the top of Cas' head.

"It's okay, baby, I got you, I got you" he murmured doing this.

"I've never had them..." Cas trembled.

"Sh... It's okay. Lately, everything went shitty. It looks like dreams did too."

Cas stayed quiet in Dean's arms, till he calmed down. Too much has happened lately. He and Dean got into argument, after that came family things and Cas had no idea how he would survive next week. Everything in him wanted to run away, but there was a small part that wanted to stay a bit longer in those arms.

"You often have bad dreams," Cas said when he calmed down. He looked closely at Dean. "What's your nightmare?"

"Usually... The night when Mom died. Fire, heat, Sammy in my arms, Dad's shout: take your brother outside. Sometimes... Sometimes I don't make it. Sometimes I do, but I hear someone scream... Dad's, Mom's, I don't know. I always lose someone. Every time I failed someone..."

"Dean, you..."

"Then I did all I could. I saved Sam. I know. I just always lose someone. No matter what I do."

"We can't keep everyone forever with us."

Dean was learning about it the hard way by the last year. He always had Dad and Sam. It was enough. Everything else appears and quickly disappears from his life. Now he lost even them. And the only stability, that was left for him, was Cas who could throw him out anytime.

"It's not fair" he hugged Cas tigher. "Can I keep you forever?"

"Yes."

Please, do it. Never leave me alone, Cas thought.

Dean's phone ranged. He moved away from Cas and reached for it.

"I'm going to kill you," he groaned.

Cas watched Dean talking. He couldn't hear what was said the person on the other side, but he got most of the talk from Dean's answers. It was Sam. He called from college. Dean slowly relaxed by the time of the talk. Till something was wrong.

"Yeah, this week is okay," he cut it off trying to keep his voice steady.

After the call ended, Cas brought himself higher to sit by Dean.

"Sam's coming here?"

"Every fucking problem at once."

It was going to be a tough week. Sam wasn't the only one who wanted to come to Sioux Falls. Cas' family would do it too.

 

* * *

 

“You look like shit, boy. What happened?” Bobby looked closely at Dean when he came to work.

He was right. Even though whole mess with Cas lighted up, other problems showed up. It was too much for him. He was used to resolving simple tasks: breakfast, work, taking Sam from wherever he hides, dinner and sometimes taking care of Dad who passed out on the couch. It was easier. It was his everyday routine. But this whole family coming to talk and complicated our lives? It was too much.

“Sam is coming back from college.”

“You two can crash at my place,” Bobby said after a moment.

“How to explain it to him?”

“He would be happy you freed from John.”

“He would ask why.”

“So, tell him the truth. He's your brother. And I've never met anyone so close to each other like you two.”

“What if he hates me?”

“He would never hate you.”

Dean felt it was true, but he feared it would go otherwise.

 

* * *

 

On Thursday Dean drove to the airport for Sam. He didn't know how he was going to explain his situation to him. He should tell the truth, but as Jo said: with Winchesters, there is always more troubles. It was better to push it further from them. Sam didn't need to know anything right now.

"Where's the Impala?" that was the first difference his brother noticed.

"Dad took her."

Sam didn't have any more questions to it. It happened. But also he didn't say anything about that Dean used Cas' car. Maybe it didn't feel weird, it didn't mean anything.

Lack of the car wasn't the only thing. Now, they didn't have a home here. Dean needed to explain it to Sam somehow.

“Can we stay at Bobby's?”

“Something happened at home?”

“Dad took off," his brother should know this part of the truth.

As he expected it caused few minutes of silence. They couldn't anything about what Dad was doing. It was frustrating. But after it, Sam asked that one question for which Dean had only poor half-truth answer.

"Why did you stay then?"

"I had moved out from him before it. One day, he was just gone. No farewells, no nothing," and it still hurt. He abandoned them. This time he wouldn't come back after a week or month. He was gone.

“Good," Sam said. "You found something for yourself?”

“Not yet. I've stayed at Cas'.”

“But it's good that you at least moved out from Dad.”

Small steps to start adult life, Winchester – as Ellen use to tell him. Find a job, find friends, find a home, find something you love and someone you love. The order didn't matter.

“Now, I have to figure out what next.”

He had no idea what to do next. Stay with Cas? And then what? Tell Sam? Lose the last member of his family that didn't completely abandoned him? It seemed impossible. He'd better wait through Sam's visit and then he will figure something out.

Maybe till this time, Cas would get enough of him. It would make things easier.

“Maybe we'll go to Jody's hut for a weekend?" Dean needed to get away from that thoughts. It wasn't the right moment.

 

* * *

 

“Hi, Bobby.”

“Finally I get to see you, boy” he hugged Sam. “I bet you bit everyone's ass there. How's college?”

Dean watched his brother. They both changed by this year. Sam got older and less snarking kid, more distanced, intelligent suit man.

When Sam went to leave his stuff in the spear room, Bobby asked Dean:

“You told him?”

“No.”

Bobby didn't answer. He didn't need to. Dean knew it wasn't the best resolution.

 

* * *

 

Dean left Sam at Bobby's. He had to go to Cas' place for his things. When he returned he will stay here too. Sam told him, he didn't have to, but Dean never listened. At least he had a moment to find out what was really happening here. He was happy that Dean got out from Dad, but there was something odd about it. And since Bobby was involved in this, he needed to know something.

“I heard Dean moved out from Dad. What happened?”

Bobby stayed silent.

“I know he wouldn't do it without a cause.”

“John throw him out.”

“What?”

“Some bullshit reasons. Dean got a hard time after it.”

“I don't doubt it.”

What happened?

 

* * *

 

“And how was it?” Cas asked wiping off one of the washed plates.

“Good. Sam is at Bobby's. He took it well. No complications so far,” he went to Cas and kissed him on the cheek.

“You'll always do it when you'll come home?”

“Every time I'll come to you,” he winked to him and embraced him with one arm. “You need help with it?”

“I'm finishing.”

Dean rested his head on Cas' shoulder and continued talking: “I thought maybe we would go to Jody's hut for a weekend. Me and Sam.”

"It's a good idea,” he put the last plate in the cabin. So Dean didn't tell his brother about their relationship. He didn't need to rush in. Maybe they wouldn't really last.

“How is it with you?”

“You can't avoid your brother,” he turned to him. "But will you...?”

“Not now.”

“So when?”

“Soon. I promise.”

“Okay," Cas put his hands on Dean. Maybe it would end one day, but it didn't have to be tonight. Few more moments of this dream. It was greedy, but it was all he asked for till it would be taken from him.

“I said I would come soon," but he didn't back off. "Maybe I'll come to them tomorrow morning.”

“Good plan,” he let Dean kiss him. He grabbed his plaid shirt tightly, slowly bringing their bodies closer.

Dean took Cas head in hands.

“What would I do without you?” he said with a smile.

“You would figure out something,” Cas tried to say it lightly. Thankfully, Dean didn't find greater meaning in this.

“Something? Sounds like a catastrophe,” he chuckled.

“Maybe,” Cas gently kissed Dean.

“Good I have you,” he smiled.

“You're right,” he took Dean's hand and guided him to the bedroom.

 

* * *

 

Next day was painful for Cas. Waking up is always painful and he could name this situation _waking up_.

As Gabriel said him, Luci and Michael showed up. They came to the library near the end of his shift. Cas thanked in thoughts that this day Dean was occupated with Sam and he didn't come here.

"Oh, where is your boy toy, Cassie?" Luci spoke up first. Micheal only watched them bored. "Or you're his? Sometimes is hard to tell who is using who."

"He has a tough family situation."

"Like Hannah with her husband?"

"It's different."

"Maybe. Or maybe it isn't."

"Lucifer, stop," Micheal spoke up. "We didn't come for this."

"You didn't. I did," Luci corrected him, but after a groan from his older brother, he shut up.

"Castiel, I believe you know why we are here?"

"I didn't answer my phone, so you needed to show up here personally."

"Yes. Please, try to spear me this in future," he sat next to his brother to discuss or rather tell him when he had to show up at home. Cas had enough time to run away and cover his trails, but at the same time, he felt trapped. He never felt that bad on this library. He definitely needed to change his work. It became suffocating. He tried to think about Dean, it made it a bit better, but still, he needed to run away from there. As soon as possible.

After formalities, Micheal wanted to find out how Cas was living here apart from working as a librarian. This brought Luci back to the talk. He knew much more about Cas. Michael sighed, but he let his brother talk.

"You know, Anna said me a thing or two about your boy. And I can say you're doing a great job filling that hole after his brother, I'm sure. But one day he will move out and he won't need you anymore," Cas groaned. "Don't be so angry, Cassie. I've just come in."

"If you ever touch him again, I'll make you regret it."

"Oh, how cute. How much have you done for him? You think he would the same for you. Maybe I'm too generous. You think he gives a crap about you. He's using you. Like everyone, so I guess, that's why you can't see it. When you learn, Cassie? How many times someone hurt you before you finally learn?How many times will you let people broke you until you realize it? They're using you. That Dean is the same."

"Get out."

Luci smiled, but he stayed quiet.

"Castiel," Michael looked at him. "He's right. Quit dreaming. You can't sleep through your whole life."

Cas knew one: it wouldn't hurt so bad if it wasn't the truth.

 

* * *

 

“Ready for a trip?” Dean asked Sam.

“I'm packed for a one night. Don't get too excited.”

“You don't like traveling with your big brother? You grow up that much?”

“Shut up, jerk,” Sam smiled and put his bag in the trunk.

"Bitch," Dean smiled. He missed it. Them being together like this. Traveling. If only his baby was with them...

He checked if he had everything they needed. Keys to the hut. He forgot them. Probably they stayed at Cas'. Damn it.

“I need to drop by to Cas, I left keys to the hut there..."

“Okay. I'll go with you. I kinda miss him.”

Again, they were walking the tightrope. Maybe Sam wouldn't notice anything.

When Dean walked into the apartment, Cas looked up at him from the couch, but he didn't get a chance to act or say like if they would be alone.

“Hi, Cas,” Sam came inside.

“Hello, Sam” Cas smiled gently.

Okay, we aren't going to uncover ourselves, Dean thought.

“Cas, I forgot..."

"Keys," Cas interrupted him. "In the kitchen."

"Why are they in the kitchen?"

"I don't know. You left them there."

"Okay..." Dean went there and took them from the cabinet. He returned focused on Cas. Again, everything else lost meaning. "How's your work?" he asked seeing laptop was felt aside on the table.

"I finished. I think."

"Great," he smiled.

Yesterday Cas was a bit off and grumpy, but probably it was nothing.

“Dean?" Sam spoke up. Shit, he almost forgot about him here. "Maybe Cas will go with us?”

“Why?”

“He is a friend. Of both of us.”

Dean looked at Cas.

“If it's okay with you...”

Cas nodded.

It would be harder than Dean imagined.

 

* * *

 

The first day passed smoothly. It was weird but good. Cas was silent a the beginning but Sam somehow brought him to talk. After all, they were a good friend who could talk about anything.

At the evening they made the bonfire. Like last year. They were still together. Dean, Cas, and Sam. When was the last time when something lasted this long in Winchesters' life? Never. Never since Mom died. And now, it was like they started to finally move on from her loss. They started their own lives. Maybe it wasn't a bad thing.

“Okay, since the fire is up," Dean grinned at his brother, "Sam, you can tell us your dirty secrets from college.”

“There's nothing...”

“There is always something. Some girl. Come on. I'm your brother. And Cas won't tell anyone.”

Sam smiled.

“There is a girl,” he started.

“Who is she?”

“She studies on another course, but we met at few parties, talked... That's all for now.”

“Parties? I thought you went that far for study.”

“Shut up, jerk. I need some rest.”

“Bitch.”

Sam rolled his eyes.

"Where's beer?"

"You ain't too young for it?" Dean teased him.

"Like you never see me drinking before."

"In the fridge."

"Okay," Sam stood up. "Get you some?"

Cas shook his head.

"One for me," Dean said.

"'kay," Sam walked to the hut.

Dean moved closer to Cas.

"You're okay with underage drinking?"

"I believe Sam is responsible," Cas said with this his weird seriousness.

Dean looked at him. He wanted to kiss him so badly. Sam still could see them, so he turned his eyes to the fire.

"Yeah, he's a good kid."

They didn't say anything more. The silence around them felt natural, pleasing. In the world was only the two of them. Nothing else mattered.

While watching the bonfire together, Dean moved his hand closer to Cas'. He touched him. Their fingers intertwined.

For a moment everything was ideal. Like a dream.

“Remember?” Cas leaned at Dean when he was sure Sam was in the hut. “We kissed here for the first time.”

“Aren't we too young to sit by the fire and recall memories?”

“I'm trying to be romantic.”

“I know,” Dean kissed him. Like last year. Shy, little contact. Still, someone could see them and they tried to avoid it. Still, they weren't sure about being together like this.

 

* * *

 

Cas woke up earlier than he wanted to after a long night. He rested in bed and thought about all of this. Last year he thought it was his last moments with Winchesters. Now, he was still with them. The dream came true. Maybe not for long, but at least he has those few more days.

Unable to fall asleep again, he got up and went down to the kitchen.

Dean was here making himself coffee.

"Hi," Cas said. He wanted to embrace him from the behind, but he didn't know where Sam was.

"Hi," Dean looked at him and smiled gently. "Coffee?”

“Yes.”

“It's unusual to see you this early,” he said returning to the coffee maker.

“I woke up too soon. Where is your brother?”

“Running. Jogging. Or whatever he calls this torture.”

Cas chuckled.

Dean passed him coffee and sat next to him.

"Finally alone," he grinned.

"You have something to tell me what you can't say in Sam's presence?" Cas teased him.

"Many things," he smiled and took a sip of his coffee. "Like when will you give me your book to read?"

"It's..."

"Come on. You teased me whole year about it. And you always said you wanted to give me it to read."

"Yes, but..." Cas' stopped himself. He wanted to give it to Dean. He wrote it for him. But it wasn't anything good or worth attention. Now, when Sam was here, Dean had more important things on his mind than this. "When we come home, I'll give it to you," they would forget about it. It wasn't anything worth remembering.

 

* * *

 

After breakfast, they went to the lake which was nearby. Winchesters rushed to the water leaving their clothes behind. Cas sat near the edge and watched them.

When they returned to warm up, Cas noticed Sam had the same tattoo on his chests as Dean. Pentagram in a flaming circle.

"You have...?"

Sam looked down at himself and figured out what caught Cas' attention.

"Oh, yes. We have matching tattoos."

"Does it mean something?"

"It just looked awesome, so we picked it," Dean said. "I had to mark him before letting him out the world" he ruffed his brother hair before going to the house for a towel.

"It was his idea, but he never admits it," Sam told him when Dean left. "When we were kids, he tried many things to help me, when I was afraid of something. Every child is afraid of the dark and some other things. Clowns still creep me out, but rest of it passed. We gained other fears... This..." Sam continued. "We read somewhere it was a protecting sign and we use it this way."

"Protect from?"

"From what we might, but don't want to become."

“Once you told me you're the most afraid of being like yours father.”

“And it didn't change.”

“You are not...”

“We are similar. I have his temper, Dean his running downside whatever he can't deal with some problem. And there are more similarities... We had to work on ourselves. To not become him, but it can be done.”

"Ready for a second round, Sammy?" Dean said when he returned still wiping himself in the towel.

"No. Give me time to recover."

"You got weak from this whole study and parties."

"I don't..." he kept it to himself. Dean would tease him about it for the next year or more.

Dean went to the lake alone. Cas watched every his move. He couldn't help it. He loves his body too. Now he had good look on how every of his muscle worked, till he didn't swim too far from them. He turned and swam to them, but stayed on the platform.

“Cas!”

“Go to him or he will drown,” Sam threw.

Cas smiled. He went on the platform and approached Dean.

“You don't want to swim?” Winchester asked him.

“I'm not used to it.”

“Come on.”

“Dean.”

“Give me a hand.”

“You will pull me under water.”

“And then I'll save you. I promise.”

Cas gave him a hand. Dean pulled him to the water. Right into his arms.

“See? Not so bad.”

Cas rolled his eyes.

“It's good that I have clothes for a change.”

“It's your fault that you hesitated so long,” Dean smirked.

 

* * *

 

“Cas, you touched anything here?” Dean asked searching for ingredients for a dinner.

“No, I didn't.”

“I can't find salt.”

“Top shelf.”

“I put it on the lowest. I remembered what I'd done in the morning.”

“You don't clearly.”

Dean checked it up. He found it. He looked at Cas.

“Shut up.”

Sam smiled. Those two. As always.

"You don't have to act like that," he said to them. "I know."

"About?" Dean turned to him.

"About you and Cas. That you're together"

"What? Since when?"

"Spring. Last year spring"

Dean watched him shocked. Cas laughed.

"He found it sooner than you, Dean."

"Shut up, Cas"

He smiled. He chose to leave his lover with his brother alone. They had something to talk through.

"How?" Dean asked.

"I know how you look after date"

"It wasn't... Not then."

"So when?"

"A few months ago. It took us a bit to figure it out."

"Dean... Does Dad know?"

"Yep."

"How did he react?"

"Sammy, there is a reason why I live at Cas'"

"That bad?"

"No. Just... You know how he is... I... I'll check on Cas. He's a disaster in the kitchen.”

“Okay.”

Not long after it, Cas came back.

"He threw me out the kitchen," he said.

Sam laughed.

It loosened up the air between them. Cas sat next to him.

“I thought you may know about us,” he said.

“I'm glad he has someone. He's no good at being alone. I...”

“He had me, so he wasn't alone here from the beginning.”

Sam nodded.

“Thank you. For keeping an eye on him... Cas, one more thing. He always let Dad destroy everything. Don't let him do it again.”

 

* * *

 

After dinner, they returned to Sioux Falls. Dean and Cas had to go to work the next day, although this small trip had been really enjoyable. Cas had nearly forgotten about all his doubts. With working days they hit him again.

Dean didn't spend much time with him. He tried to be with Sam as long as he could. And now they didn't hide anything from each other. Everything worked out between them. Cas wasn't needed anymore. And he couldn't just keep on dreaming. He knew what would happen. He woke up. And he hated it.


	21. Chapter 21

When Dean came home, he was all alone. Maybe Cas went out for groceries. Or for a walk.

On the table, he saw keys and a sheet of paper. Dean didn't suspect anything. He took a letter, he skimmed through it.

He read it one more time.

And again.

And again.

And still, words didn't make sense. He tried to find some other meaning in this. But the message was clear. Cas left him. Cas abandoned him.

Again Dean was left alone.

_Dean, I'm sorry, it didn't last._

Just a few words. Cas was a master in it. Dean knew it. He had just read through his novel. But he won't let few words to destroy his life. Their life.

This time he couldn't agree on this. He couldn't just stay aside and let it happen. He wanted to fight for his life.

He called Gabe.

"What's up, Dean-o?"

"Your brother took away."

"Oh. So, we don't have to stand each other anymore. That's some good news."

"Have any idea where I can find him? At least I have a right to know what I fucked up."

"He got away without telling you anything?"

"Till yesterday everything was good. Today I came home and he was gone."

"It sounds like him.”

“You know where he could go?”

“He's sentimental. He doesn't rush out the city. He usually takes his time and visits important places. Think.”

“Okay," Dean breathed in and out. He had to calmed down and think. "Gabriel. Thank you.”

"Go, get him, kiddo."

Dean smiled slightly. Now he had something. A clue.

List of the places he could figure out was short. Dean didn't know Cas as good as he wanted to.

First, he headed to the library. Nothing.

Roadhouse. Nothing.

Benny's. Nothing.

Cinema. Nothing.

Coffee shop. Nothing.

Park? They usually walked through it. Was it important for Cas? Dean couldn't figure out any other place. He tried it.

He found him.

Cas was sitting on the bench. Head lifted towards the sky, hands laid down together. Like he was praying.

Dean watched him. Till Cas noticed him.

"You found me."

"I searched for you," Dean had to focus to not let his voice crack.  "You got bored with me?"

"No, Dean..."

"Cause that how it's looks"

"Dean..."

"You left me. You abandoned me!"

"Dean, I... I don't know what should I do and..."

"You don't know? Then I don't know what I'm even doing here. Sit here and think, maybe you find out something," he turned away. What even had he tried to do there? Cas left him and he ran after him? Pathetic.

"Dean, please... I couldn't bare if you leave me."

Dean turned around.

"So you leave me first? Like everyone, you just left me. Like Sam, Dad, Benny, Jo, Charlie. Why? You thought it's okay, he can bear it. No, I can't, Cas. I can't. Call me weak, call me whatever you want. I can't do it anymore. I had to look as I lose everyone close to me. I can't lose you too. I stayed for you. When Benny wanted to go, he asked me if I would go with him. To start somewhere else. But I couldn't leave. Because of you."

Cas was quiet for a moment. He looked at Dean.

"You're doing it now? Leaving?"

"No, Cas, I..." his voice trembled. Cas was right. He was leaving. He found him and now he was ending everything that happened between them. He didn't want this pain to last. End everything that hurts as soon as it possible. As soon as it becomes complicated. It had been already complicated. Everything between them. And now, when Dean was looking at Cas, he couldn't do anything other than deny his earlier words. He couldn't... "Can I do anything to make it right? To repent you? Do we have to...?"

"And after it, after week, month, you will..."

"I won't leave you."

"Why?"

"You're the best part of my life. And I want you back. I need you. Cas... you're important to me. More than anything in my life. Can we... try again?"

"I... I can't... I'm scared, Dean."

"Dammit, Cas. You think I'm not scared at all? I'm fucking terrified. But I'm not running away. I don't want to. First, we lost Mom. Then we were watching as we lose Dad and, thanks to him, every other person who could become close to us. Then we got here. And. I lost Sam, Dad, Benny, Jo, Charlie. And finally – you. I never risked. I agreed to anything dad wanted. I followed him no matter where. I was losing everyone apart from him and Sam. Then once I risked. I stayed here. With people who were also important for me. And guess what. I lost even more. I lost you. Cas."

"We both thought it wouldn't last. You and me. You always kept this door open. I could always walk away from you."

"But you didn't."

"I couldn't leave you when you were..."

"You pitied me?"

"Dean, it's..."

"What is it then?" it came out harsher than he wanted.

"I thought you... you need me to heal yourself. I wanted to help you. Whole my life I couldn't do anything. I'm no good at anything. Like there is some flaw in me... So, no one has ever truly wanted me."

"I do."

"And I couldn't believe it."

"Cas... Let's go home... If you want..."

"I want it."

Dean hugged him. He nearly lost him.

"I'm sorry" Cas wiped into his chest.

"It's okay, baby, I got you. I got you" he kissed the top of his head. "I'm here. And I'm not leaving."

"Neither do I."

Cas stood up from the bench.

"Why this place?" Dean asked him.

"We always walked this way. I needed to think... I..." there was no reason to lie now. "I wanted to come here once more. Before I left..."

"Only with a bag?" Dean took it from him.

"There were times when I had less."

"And your apartment looks like a storage."

"Things stuck to me easily."

And then you leave them? Dean kept it behind his teeth. He walked towards the road.

"So? What happened?" he asked.

"I met with my family."

"When?"

"A week ago."

"Why didn't you call me then?"

"I don't want you nowhere near them."

"And you avoid them as long as you can?"

"Yes."

"Cas, stop running away. Face them, fight them. You're strong, Cas. Stronger than me. Don't let yourself believe otherwise."

"But you never really told me you need me. Someone with whom you can stay the night - you did, someone who didn't say or ask about anything - this too. But never me. So I tried to be someone you need. Someone who could help, who would listen, but didn't ask. You had a tough moment, you lost your brother, but sooner or later you would get over it. And I felt it was happening now. And I... I couldn't watch you going away from me. I couldn't."

"So you walked away when I got better. But if I wasn't nuts, I couldn't let you go" Dean sighed, then laughed to himself. "We're no good," Dean looked at Cas. “Maybe instead of sticking to people, falling in and out love, you choose, whether or not, to stay with me till we can't stand each other?"

Cas chuckled.

"I'm serious."

"Okay," Cas made himself straight face. "I choose you."

Dean smiled. Part of him couldn't believe it. It was going to screw up somehow. Like always, like everything. He didn't let those words get to him till they got to the apartment. When he closed the doors after them, he hugged Cas. He got him. He didn't lose him and he wasn't going to lose him.

"I love you," Dean whispered.

"I love you too," Cas answered after a moment. He hugged Dean tighter.

They finally found a place where they belonged.

 

* * *

 

Next day, Cas seemed happy. It was a big change from his always grumpy self.

"What have I done to you yesterday?"

"You said..."

"Ah, that... Sorry I made you wait so long," he lowered his sight. Then glanced once more at Cas radiant face. "Your tattoo didn't work" Cas frowned. "I found you."

"I wanted to be found."

"Cas. If you want to leave..."

"Dean, we talked about it."

"Just listen. I don't want to keep you here by force. If you want to leave, I don't want to make you feel guilty..."

"You kept me from running away. It's true. But I want to stay here. I have doubts if I should do it, but it doesn't change a thing. First time in my life I want to have past, present, and future. And I want to have it with you."

"Really? With someone like me?"

"Only with you," Cas kissed him.


	22. Chapter 22

Sun gently flew into bedroom lighting men on the bed. They took their time. No one rushed. Nothing mattered. Only them. They kissed, touched, embraced themselves.

"Dean..."

"What?"

“I have to get up."

"I thought you like sleeping with me?"

"No, when I have something other to do in this time."

"Something is more important than me?"

"Successions matters.”

“It's today?”

“Tomorrow, but I didn't get a plane ticket and I have to drive the whole way.”

“To where?”

“Seattle.”

“It could be worse.”

“Like?”

“Stanford. It's further.”

“I didn't know.”

“Thankfully, Sammy likes fighting. I...” he shivered from the thought of it.

“You hate it, I know...” he got lost in the green eyes for a moment. He didn't want to get up. No, when everything worked out so well. He didn't want to leave even for a moment. He had to. “I'll finish it and no one from my family will ever bother us. Unless Gabriel. He'll always complicate everything."

"I owe him after he helps me. So I have to endure him."

“Really?”

“Yeah. The story for a road, get up.”

“What?”

"You need a lift, right?" he said with his bad boy smile.

"You will give me a lift to Seattle?"

"I have some days off to take."

"You're sure you want to deal with my family?"

"I'm sure I don't want to leave you alone with it."

Cas smiled. What had he done in this or past life to deserve Dean?

 

* * *

 

“I miss my baby,” Dean sighed looking at Cas' car. It was bad but wasn't this one.

This life had to cost them something. He had to get over it. He took driver sat. The first shift was his. He heard Cas' sigh.

“Don't like traveling, huh?”

“Not at all.”

“I'll teach you,” he took Zepp's cassette he bought for Cas and pushed it into the recorder. When the music was on, he drove.

“You spend a lot of time in a car?”

"There were days I thought the road was my true home. I liked it."

“After this, we can go for vacations. We can ride to the end of the land.”

Dean smiled. That was all he wanted. Zepp in the player, Cas next to him and a wide road.

Cas fell asleep soon. It wasn't weird after he was freaking out most of the night. Dean didn't want to wake him up. He turned the radio low and tried to avoid holes in the road.

After his shift, he fell asleep again. It was better for him. The less he was conscious, the less time he spent worrying about the family meeting.

“Are we there yet?” Cas asked sleepily when they stopped.

“No yet, princess. Motel.”

Cas groaned. Basing on his own experience they usually weren't nice.

“Don't get so excited. Come on,” he tapped his tight.

“I don't have good memories with them.”

“For me, they feel like home. I spend more time in them than in a real steady home.”

“It will change.”

“You won't let me wander through suspicious places?”

“I won't.”

 

* * *

 

Next day the ride was shorter. Why? Why couldn't they wander through America and never reach their destination?

"Nervous?" Dean asked when they parked.

"Yes," Cas looked at him. "How should I introduce you?"

"Well, we're here to make them furious, so don't sweeten it, honey. I'm your boyfriend. Gabe and Anna have already known, so there's no need for lying."

"Okay," he took a deep breath and went out the car.

Gabriel waited for them on the outside. He had to recognize Cas' car.

“I didn't think I meet you ever again, Dean-o."

"I didn't want to leave him alone with this."

"That way it won't be easy too."

"But there are two of us. Not one."

"Maybe you're right. So,” he looked at them. “Lose hope, you who enter the hell?”

First one in the house was Luci.

"Oh, you bring him here? He hasn't gotten bored already?" Luci looked at Dean. "You must have low requirements."

“I'm hard to get rid of,” he talked back.

“Dean, can you...” Cas said to him.

He backed off. He didn't expect to be moved away from that soon. At least he came here with him, so Cas didn't run off. And it was that bad, he found Anna.

“Oh, Dean,” she corrected her hair. “Hi,” she smiled.

“You also freaking out because of this. Cas couldn't sleep all night, but in the car, he's always asleep.”

“So do I, really,” she sighed. “I'm not that bad with my family, it's just... It's really important for Michael. He's going to gain almost everything, but he has to bring it to the end. Others are no interested in this at all, so it should end quickly. We will see” she looked ... I guess I have to go.”

“Oh, yeah. Good luck.”

“Thanks,” she smiled.

So he stayed there and waited. He didn't think this out. Luckily it didn't take him much time.

Cas walked straight to him. Then Dean met the older brother. Michael. He was furious.

"Why did you bring someone like this here?"

"I think Mom is dead, so she doesn't mind."

"You can't even respect her. You have to show up how different you are, how this family doesn't mean a thing to you."

"Well if this family mean a shit for you, you won't treat your brother like that."

"Who asked you?"

"I felt it was my responsibility to end your bullshit."

“Get out, both of you.”

“Brother,” Anna tried to interfere.

“I was here to watch mother die,” Cas dared to speak. “I came here to end this. And it ended. I don't have to handle you anymore, brother," he walked out.

Dean went after him.

"You got him, baby. Nice."

Cas shivered. Dean embraced him and pulled him aside.

"Baby, it's okay. Soon, it'll be over, right? We go home and you won't see those assholes again."

“We both stayed alone. Without our families.”

"Cas, listen to me,” he took his head in his hands. “Once wise man told me: family doesn't end with blood. The family is people who care about you. Who keeps your back... You can choose your family.”

"You're my family. You, Charlie, Jo, Sam, Ellen, Bobby, Jody..."

"And we will take care of you. So don't worry. There is someone to watch over you too," he embraced him tight. They survived it.

 

* * *

 

They didn't rush to Sioux Falls. Dean took a week off. They needed it. And also, if Bobby had any problem at salvage, he could call him.

When they returned, they went few times to Roadhouse. Not to get drunk like Dean was used to, but to spend time with their friends, before Charlie, Jo, and Sam would go to college.

“We didn't get a chance to celebrate your novel,” Dean smiled to Cas.

“It's only alpha read the second draft.”

“No, it's your novel. And it's amazing.”

Cas smiled.

“So... You need more readers?”

“Dean, no...”

“Too late. Jo! Come here.”

She came to them

“Dean? You didn't forget about...?”

“I didn't. Unfortunately.”

“Good. The stage is yours.”

“What? You don't sing for people.”

“You think why I am so freak out now?” Dean smiled.

"Dean Winchester is nervous? Can I record it?" Jo grinned.

"I'll kill you, Jo. First time I have to do something in front of the crowd. Of course, I am nervous."

“Honestly, how do you deal with him?” she looked at Cas.

“Somehow,” he answered. “It isn't easy though.”

“Don't be such a princess. You're handling me pretty well.”

“And you handle this good. Focus on me" Cas kissed him.

"I'll try, baby."

His hands were trembling. He never got problems with speaking to people, even group of them. He had a problem with Dad. And he manages it. No one is more problematic audience than him, and if Dean didn't give a shit what he was thinking about him, why he should fear the opinion of some drunks.

"I don't do this usually and maybe I'll mess up horribly, but try not to ban me from the bar for eternity," he smiled. Yeah, he was nervous.

Few people laughed. Good. Few is something. Okay, calm down, Winchester. You can do it. You can, he repeated in his thoughts placing his hands on the guitar. He looked up this time to find Cas. Blue eyes watched him with the same intensity as always. As always so proud, so trusting. You can do it, Winchester, he told it himself one more time.

 

* * *

 

“You're still alive,” Jo said when he came back to Cas.

“Yeah. But my legs and hands are not” he laughed. “Jo, can you bring me something.”

“Yeah, just don't pass out, rockstar,” she left them.

“Shut up,” his eyes followed her for a moment, then he turned to Cas. "You look proud.”

"And I am. You were amazing."

“You're loving me too much to say I messed up.”

“The same I can say about you reading my bullshit novel.”

“I was good.”

“So were you.”

“Okay. You have a point.”

“Dean” Jo returned and passed him a glass.

"Thanks" Dean took his drink. He looked at people n Roadhouse. He didn't really focus on them before. It was just a crowd.

Dad.

“Dean, what happened?”

Of course, Cas noticed the slightest change in his expression.

Dean looked where he'd seen his dad last time. He was still here. "I need to go somewhere. Wait" he left Cas. He didn't look back at him. It didn't matter if he followed him or not. Dean preferred if he didn't.

"You returned to Sioux Falls?” he said when he got to Dad.

"Only passing by."

"Right. You don't return anywhere. Why did you stop by?"

“Ellen gave the news.”

“About?”

“You.”

Which one of news? That he sang here today? Is it so important? What about that he had found someone for his life but Dad didn't give a shit about it? Nothing. He didn't care. He didn't care about anything. He...

“Son, I... Dean..." he pressed something into his hand. "She's yours. Don't leave here this time."

"You're sure?"

"Yes," John took a sip of his beer. "You were quite good out there."

“Thanks.”

“Your... He's looking for you.”

Dean looked over his arm. Cas did follow him.

“Go to him.”

“I will. Just, don't cut all the ties this time.”

“I'll try.”

Dean came to Cas.

“Why is he here? Did he...?” he looked closely at his lover.

“It's okay. Ellen called him. But I got my baby back,” Dean smiled and showed him the keys proudly.”

"After all, he's done this is enough to correct everything?"

"You expected him to fall on his knees and ask for forgiveness? Winchesters don't do it."

"Then maybe you should change your surname."

"You have some ideas?"

"Milton."

"Like your family is a role model."

"Maybe both of us should change our surnames?"

"To what? I'll be Milton, you'll Winchester, and we'll see how we roll with it?"

"Sometimes when I tried to hide away from my family I used name Novak. But I wouldn't mind _Winchester_."

"Really?"

"Yes. If you ever wonder about it."

“You make me wonder about everything, baby...” he kissed him and he didn't give a damn who saw them or how someone could react. He looked at his lover with a smile. “Let's make him regret giving me her."


End file.
